This post is for souls who understand there is beauty in being vulnerable. Brave is beautiful.
This post is another simple reminder, pain today does not mean pain needs to be a part of your tomorrow.
My therapy started in January 2009, going to a psychologist (with my husband at the majority of my meetings). That lasted pretty consistently for about 2 years. When I "finished" with my therapist, little did I know I really just begun "my therapy". My body could only handle so much release at one time...At first, I had to unload my story, unload my questions, my thoughts. I needed someone to listen. I wasn't angry at that point (to be angry stated it really happened & I still wanted to be in denial of my past).
Helen was my first angel of therapy. Helen became an angel to keep our marriage strong, as Ken watched me for the first time unload buckets and buckets of pain. The type of pain that tears any marriage apart (it takes a strong man to not only let his woman dig up pain, but to give her room to change). I knew there would be pain. I also knew Ken and I never wanted divorce papers. I not only had to fight for freedom, I had to fight for our marriage. Ken for the first time didn't take me for granted, saw in my confident state I was still a girl who needed "protection", and realized if he didn't fight for me, someone else would naturally.
Looking back, that was the first "gift" from my abuse: Abuse led to therapy which turned into marriage therapy for us. Marriage therapy at 10 years. A gift indeed!
Fast forward a few years...
My body had unloaded emotions, and physically it had taken a toll on body. I underestimated the depth of pain I needed to release. I also underestimated along the way how people would absorb my new reality. For many, it was still nothing but unconditional support. For others, for their own reasons, support was not easily given. It was a lonely road but a road that taught me I can't wait for others to accept change if I need change. A lonely road at times and a road that taught a new level of strength within myself, my marriage and God's affirmation. Period.
My body had indeed taken a toll and it was coming out... after several massages I knew my back pain was not a "typical back ache"...Hence what started a good 4 year journey of doing different therapies to help my body release suppressed emotions, anger, grief and and more anger and grief.
I did everything from:
Acupuncture
Hormone Dr
Osteopathic adjustments
Cranial sacral therapy
Naturopathy
...buying new journals to throwing journals away, to crying out to God in my closet, to soaking God's Word in old chapels in NYC. Time invested? Yes. Resources invested? Yes. And would I spend all of that energy and money again? Yes.
That was in 2012. - Almost 4 years after I first talked to my therapist.
Ouch.
Tears streamed down my face as I got into the car to drive back home.
I had to get back into the fighter mode and be willing to dive in my soul again to release my settle chronic quiet anger that I couldn't shake...Oh, how I wrestled with God. By that point in my journey, I thought I was "free" - particularly since I had confronted my abuser, Ken had been more than my life savor on multiple accounts, I had released volumes of emotions...How much left was in me?
I knew I had no choice - I had to jump back into therapy, "back out of life" (again) and pour my energy into releasing emotions - no matter what my soul called me to do...It was time for me to trust God 100% not 99.9%.
At the end of the day, that is what my journey boiled down to...jumping out of my captains seat, and trusting God. Trusting God the right people would come into my path at the right time for my soul to heal...and time after time after time, God showed up...God showed me He was faithful to not only release my heart, but to heal my heart.
Be brave.
Take one step at a time.
Make a phone call.
Make an appointment... Show up.
And watch how layers come off - one layer at a time.
Blossom & be blessed!
xox
