Sunday, December 20, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
My Tears
Tears still come streaming down my face.
Some are tears of losing my grandma, but I know many of them are still tears from my abuse.
I hesitate to be so terribly vulnerable and honest but to do anything else, is wrong for my spirit.
This time of year is hard for me. Probably the hardest time of the year - so much anticipation and festivities -so much attention is brought upon my Savior...and yet this is the same Savior that allowed abuse to happen in my life.
Rages of emotion erupt inside of me. Thus I know why tears still come out of me. Tears from all of the times my heart was ripped out of me, trust was shaken, for every single time I was molested - in spite of my dear parents never being aware of it.
anger.
confusion.
bitterness.
sadness.
grief.
numbness.
To even write such emotions is almost scary for me. It shows me how my heart wrestles with "why, why, why". I would love to only write letters of "I'm GREAT." Big picture I can honestly say, "For the glory of God...." But on a more superficial level - I want to scream "WHY WHY WHY" "WHERE WERE YOU GOD"
and then... somehow...once again... my heart slowly breaks when I expose my anger...
thoughts of "WHERE WHERE YOU AMY" come right back to me from God...on all of the times I have chosen to ignore Gods way and He still redeemed me.
years of spending foolishly...and somehow would provide thousands and thousands of dollars still...
years of trusting my idols of comfort over letting him be my comfort...and giving me new mercies each day...
years of blindly judging individuals who didn't live like me...and giving me grace when I was the one in the wrong...
years of thinking I had it all together...and knowing my heart had so much growing to do but God took one layer a way at a time...
years of not comprehending my sin that Jesus covered for me...and then one day 3 years ago getting a clear picture of how ugly my sin is and has been and the miraculous forgiveness He grants me
my list could go on...
Tears are still streaming down my face; but now they are different tears
I still want to ask God, "WHY" but I surrender my demands for questions answered and instead genuinely give "Glory to God" - how - nothing short of the spirit breaking my tears of grieving into tears of thankfulness.
thankfulness for God redeeming my heart - even if He did know at some stage of my life pain was going to be a part of it.
thankfulness for having a soul mate that doesn't emotionally or physically abuse me -but quite the opposite.
thankfulness I am able to love Sophie and Cole - even during the emotional ride of going to therapy as they were growing up.
thankfulness my heart is able to cry out to Jesus when buckets of pain overwhelm me and I don't go out and shop for a quick fix of control.
thankfulness that I am not the one in control but my God is...the same one who tells the sun to rise each morning and the sun to set each night, the same one who orchestrates the storms and calm breezes and who creates pure moments of freedom for me, like right now.
as Ken told me tonight:
"I trust God because trusting myself is scarier"
In my heart, I fall down, surrender to God and worship - with a heart releasing my tears of anger and turn into tears of worship...for this miraculous time of year.
With tear filled eyes I say, "Merry Christmas. I pray this Christmas is a season of seeing how miraculous of healer Jesus continues to be each day." Jesus is to miraculous and powerful to stay stuck in the "WHY" and not follow with a thankful heart. Trusting and following anything else wouldn't be worth all of these tears...that I have a feeling will still come for years.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to years.
Some are tears of losing my grandma, but I know many of them are still tears from my abuse.
I hesitate to be so terribly vulnerable and honest but to do anything else, is wrong for my spirit.
This time of year is hard for me. Probably the hardest time of the year - so much anticipation and festivities -so much attention is brought upon my Savior...and yet this is the same Savior that allowed abuse to happen in my life.
Rages of emotion erupt inside of me. Thus I know why tears still come out of me. Tears from all of the times my heart was ripped out of me, trust was shaken, for every single time I was molested - in spite of my dear parents never being aware of it.
anger.
confusion.
bitterness.
sadness.
grief.
numbness.
To even write such emotions is almost scary for me. It shows me how my heart wrestles with "why, why, why". I would love to only write letters of "I'm GREAT." Big picture I can honestly say, "For the glory of God...." But on a more superficial level - I want to scream "WHY WHY WHY" "WHERE WERE YOU GOD"
and then... somehow...once again... my heart slowly breaks when I expose my anger...
thoughts of "WHERE WHERE YOU AMY" come right back to me from God...on all of the times I have chosen to ignore Gods way and He still redeemed me.
years of spending foolishly...and somehow would provide thousands and thousands of dollars still...
years of trusting my idols of comfort over letting him be my comfort...and giving me new mercies each day...
years of blindly judging individuals who didn't live like me...and giving me grace when I was the one in the wrong...
years of thinking I had it all together...and knowing my heart had so much growing to do but God took one layer a way at a time...
years of not comprehending my sin that Jesus covered for me...and then one day 3 years ago getting a clear picture of how ugly my sin is and has been and the miraculous forgiveness He grants me
my list could go on...
Tears are still streaming down my face; but now they are different tears
I still want to ask God, "WHY" but I surrender my demands for questions answered and instead genuinely give "Glory to God" - how - nothing short of the spirit breaking my tears of grieving into tears of thankfulness.
thankfulness for God redeeming my heart - even if He did know at some stage of my life pain was going to be a part of it.
thankfulness for having a soul mate that doesn't emotionally or physically abuse me -but quite the opposite.
thankfulness I am able to love Sophie and Cole - even during the emotional ride of going to therapy as they were growing up.
thankfulness my heart is able to cry out to Jesus when buckets of pain overwhelm me and I don't go out and shop for a quick fix of control.
thankfulness that I am not the one in control but my God is...the same one who tells the sun to rise each morning and the sun to set each night, the same one who orchestrates the storms and calm breezes and who creates pure moments of freedom for me, like right now.
as Ken told me tonight:
"I trust God because trusting myself is scarier"
In my heart, I fall down, surrender to God and worship - with a heart releasing my tears of anger and turn into tears of worship...for this miraculous time of year.
With tear filled eyes I say, "Merry Christmas. I pray this Christmas is a season of seeing how miraculous of healer Jesus continues to be each day." Jesus is to miraculous and powerful to stay stuck in the "WHY" and not follow with a thankful heart. Trusting and following anything else wouldn't be worth all of these tears...that I have a feeling will still come for years.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to years.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Wise Words
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
Mother Teresa
Sweetest Blessings.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
Mother Teresa
Sweetest Blessings.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
My Gifts
My gifts this season:
"To my husband, trust. To my daughter and son, time. To my friends', my heart. To my sisters, loyalty. To my mom and dad, appreciation. To my family, acceptance. To my enemy, forgiveness. To every child, a good example. To every child in bondage, my voice. To all, mercy. To myself, freedom.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours!
"To my husband, trust. To my daughter and son, time. To my friends', my heart. To my sisters, loyalty. To my mom and dad, appreciation. To my family, acceptance. To my enemy, forgiveness. To every child, a good example. To every child in bondage, my voice. To all, mercy. To myself, freedom.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours!
My Box
As much as I live outside of a box, I find myself still living in a box. I still try to control my emotions, more than I like to admit. I know its my way of trying to protect myself. Somehow in the back of my mind, I have this lie that says, to much fun will get me hurt...will get me pain...I know its my past abuse still releasing from me.
Baby steps. Deep breath.
This is an amazing breakthrough for me. I often find myself relaxing or having fun with the kids and then all of a sudden I am 'done'...I know its my heart sensing subconsciously I am still going to be silenced and hurt out of the blue...
I keep thinking that my journey has complete release from my abuse and then I will have this breakthrough of "OH MY WORD".
As I realize the lie - relaxing equates pain - tears come flowing out of me once again; I see myself once again releasing buckets of shame, pain and at the same time, freedom - in the arms of ken.
Baby steps. Deep breath.
Slowing breaking from my safe box. And smiling.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.
Baby steps. Deep breath.
This is an amazing breakthrough for me. I often find myself relaxing or having fun with the kids and then all of a sudden I am 'done'...I know its my heart sensing subconsciously I am still going to be silenced and hurt out of the blue...
I keep thinking that my journey has complete release from my abuse and then I will have this breakthrough of "OH MY WORD".
As I realize the lie - relaxing equates pain - tears come flowing out of me once again; I see myself once again releasing buckets of shame, pain and at the same time, freedom - in the arms of ken.
Baby steps. Deep breath.
Slowing breaking from my safe box. And smiling.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.
Monday, December 7, 2009
My Gifts
My gifts this season:
"To my husband, trust. To my daughter and son, time. To my friends', my heart. To my sisters, loyalty. To my mom and dad, appreciation. To my family, acceptance. To my enemy, forgiveness. To every child, a good example. To every child in bondage, my voice. To all, mercy. To myself, freedom.
Sweetest Blessings.
xox
"To my husband, trust. To my daughter and son, time. To my friends', my heart. To my sisters, loyalty. To my mom and dad, appreciation. To my family, acceptance. To my enemy, forgiveness. To every child, a good example. To every child in bondage, my voice. To all, mercy. To myself, freedom.
Sweetest Blessings.
xox
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