Im Thankful

Today I started a new journal:  My journal of Thanks.

This time of year it is easy for me to become anxious. Holidays. On tope of the regular hustle and bustle holidays were often a time in my past life when my abuse would take place. I am amazed although the abuse happend as a young girl, I still undo thoughts from keeping me in a prison.

However; I'm determined  to enjoy this crazy time of year, stay peaceful (without zapping myself) and embrace it with joy. For the past 5 years, I see each holiday season more and more enjoyable and a gift to truly embrace - healing does take place!!!

A miracle.

This is why I am more confident than ever my soul will continue to taste freedom...

My real issue with holidays is control and liking things neat...and in there place...and with holiday's come family...comes people...comes "messes". I know for many this does not hit home but for me I work on daily to "let go" and go "with it"....because for so long to feel okay I had to be the one in control.

I'm learning I'm still in control even when I'm not directly - a powerful truth breaking through my past bondage.

After I read a post on A Holy Experience, I knew I must start my journal (www.aholyexperience.com)

I'm challenging myself to write down 3 blessings each day...for a year...and some day when my daughter is grown and off to college - I will give it to her...and hopefully it can be a simple way to remind her we go through life with 2 choices:

Giving thanks

or

Complaining setbacks 

I want my daughter to look at my journey of giving thanks and nothing short of that, because my days are numbered and I want to make each one count for the glory of God!

And with that...I'm off to fill in my first entry.

Blossom & be blessed!

xoxo

Feed Faith

I love this...

"Feed Your Faith...Faith is only as good as its object. The soul in the jungle bows before an idol of stone and trust it to help him. If faith is not directed at the right object, it will accomplish nothing. The big question is:, "In whom do I believe?"

Funny - I would say God but when I see that quote, I see how many "stones" I put my faith in day in and day out. I put faith into to many dead weights. Time for me to toss them in the garbage... and let go...and keep them let go!!

Feed my faith - not sufficate it; not compromise it, not silence it.

Jesus.

Freeing.

Peaceful.

Thankful.

Blossom.

Be blessed.

xoxo

My Marriage

Marriage - so many different reactions to that word.  Marriage: Ken Newman. The man I have been married to for 16 tears. The man who has seen me in the ditch; The man who stayed with me in the ditch.  The man who adored me and fought for me, not knowing how long I would stay in the ditch. The ditch was the years I was in and out of therapy for my past abuse. The ditch was the year I mothered out of motion, stay married  because of commitment.

And nothing short of God's grace...

Somehow during those years 10-12 years of marriage, Ken and I learned a powerful lesson to keep our marriage alive.

MARRIAGE IS OUR LIFELONG AFFAIR

During our 16 years of marriage, we have seen some wonderful and not so wonderful marriages. Some thriving...others barely holding on...some coexisting. Personally, it is the marriages coexisting that break my heart the most.

No one ever gets married to coexist.

And yet, I see how coexisting, affairs, marriages barely holding on happen...
All of them start off with pain. This pain may be settle but it is walls of pain that start to go up and the soul starts searching for escapes...

Devastating but understandable.

I know...

I know  how vulnerable a soul becomes when pain is wanting to be masked, escaped or pursued.

A soul compromises integrity for a fast fix of healing. That is the nature of our souls, with out the Holy Spirit saving our souls.

I had years of selling my soul to dead end idols and I knew we would be vulnerable if we didn't start to fight for our marriage. And with that, Ken and I changed our "marriage is safe" mind frame  to "always fight for our marriage"

We are the only 2 people that will chase our marriage.

For me, keeping Ken my life long affair looks like this...

1. Treat him like my best friend. 

Best friends don't keep score each other. Best friends take time for each other. Best friends have fun with each other. Best friends are just there for each other - no matter what. Period. 

2. The most important hat I wear is "Ken's Wife"

How sad to think the rest of the world gets a piece of me during the day, and come the evening, Ken would only see me "dead"....don't get me wrong...My husband is amazing at having me take time for myself, sending me to the spa, pitching in whenever he can with the kids...but I intentionally don't wear 10 hats at one time, because being a wife to Ken is my most importnat hat. 

I have many hats that can be replaced by someone, but I have a few hats that are non-replaceable and "Kens Wife" is one that is irreplaceable. 

3. Embrace the Word of God together 

All I can say is without this in our marriage, neither one of us would have the courage, humility and ability to change,  as we embrace new journeys of life together. 

In our marriage, we have dealt with every pillar that can build or crash a marriage. At times, I have had the spirit to change, and other times Ken has...and if we didn't have God and the Bible to be our compass, we would be lost today. 

And perhaps what I love about God's Word, is it has a way of keeping both of us real and accountable to each other. I love how the Word shows both of us our dead end idols...false sense of security with money, affirmation from family...and draws our hearts of love closer together.

God is the author of love. God is the author of  growing our spirits. And in order for us to blossom, often times that means throwing out trash that hinders us from growing together - no matter how painful or uncomfortable it feels. 

I could make the list much longer, but off hand those 3 thoughts jump out at me. I realize all of us have different stories, but with that I also realize this: God can take any story, can take any marriage and always turn it into a story of redemption and richness never known before in ones life.

Be blessed!

xox

God Leading

I am learning when God leads, and I stop co-piloting, my journey is clear. I easily get anxious, like to plan, and don't invite surprises easily...and yet God is showing me lately He already has a path for me so I can rest a long the way.

In May I thought we would be hosting a young girl from Ukraine. A few weeks from meeting her the door was clearly shut.

In June I thought I knew my plans for my children's schooling. A few weeks from school starting, the road was flipped and I saw God clearly had different plans for my children.

In July I thought I knew my plans for mentoring. A few weeks from starting that, my heart was changed completely on how I would mentor.

None of these paths may seem that significant to you. However; all of those paths I was praying about for months, and months, and months...and then what felt like in the 11th hour, God touched my heart deeply and had me evaluate who I was listening to. Was I taking my plans to God or was I making plans for my comfort?

Comfort. Co-piloting. Controlling. Three words that come to mind when I take my journey in my hands. And I love as I turn 35 soon, my life for him has more to do with listening and obeying the promptings of my heart than making a plan - that was already ordained before I was created. 

Vulnerable. Freeing. Courageous. Three words

that come to my mind when God leads and I follow.

 The joy of following God is simply a miracle and I want nothing more for my children than to learn the art of following - which is perhaps the sweetest gift of all when I remember the path of following God is always clear - no matter how vulnerable the path may be for me.

I love the saying, The bigger God is , the smaller I become. And I see more than ever there could never be truer words. God is big. And God's ways are truly above my ways. His love for me, for you, for all, is something I will never be able to fully grasp...only catch glimpses of it as I learn the art of following and watching Him continually lead me under his amazing grace and love. May his love for me, for you, for all touch us deeply, so we can touch others and teach them the joy of following as well! xox

Blessings others

I love reading the story of Joseph in Gensises...He is facing his brothers, who abused him, betrayed him, left him to die...and his brothers are waiting to see what Joseph will do to them, as he is now in a position of power. In todays culture, Joseph would have every right to be a victim of abuse, punish his abusers, stay in a safe box....



But no - Joseph goes beyond his box...

In stead, Joseph looks directly at his abusers and states: "What you meant for evil, God will use for good." Gen 50:20

I love that.

Joseph was using the gift of grace and blessing it unto people who deserved it the least.

This doesn't take away from what Joseph went through or the scares he endured..but by extending grace, this released of power of pain to create bitterness and resentment in life.

Yes - pain happened, but pain didn't need to be in the director in Joseph's life.

As I continue on my journey, I see my heart is no different...from going from pain to freedom...


I have sat in pain.

I have held unto anger.

I have befriended bitterness at times.

I have questioned where is God in pain.

I have escaped into self


And beyond that -


I have faced my abuser.

I have looked at fear in the eyes.

I have seen the power of God through my pain

I have lived from fear to fearless faith

I have released pain.

I have learned to trust...God...others

And I have extended grace.


Blessing others is perhaps the greatest gift I have encountered. To say it is freedom, is an understatement.

By extending grace unto others, lets me see first hand really the abundance of grace I receieve from my Redeemer, my Creator, my Healer - my God - every day. Is there any other way to live each day, breathe through each hour I am given?

Pain may be part of my path, but more than that Gods umbrella of grace, strength and joy rains over pain.

Be Blessed & Bless others!

xox

Give Life

some girls need food,

some girls need shelte,

some girls need safety...

girls who are exploited if not heard and rescued.

atlanta is the number one city in america for girls to be trafficked - not new york, not los angelos - atlanta.

these girls are as young as 12 years old - that is the age of my daughter.

SHE IS SAFE is a ministry that recognizes this - not only for girls in atlanta but all over the world.

please take a moment to watch...(turn music off at the bottom of the blog)

Sharing Compassion

I know it has been a long time...

It has been 1 year...

Actually, I kept thinking my journey with shedding light on abuse would all of a sudden be over. More than that, I was hoping...

After I was done with therapy, I thought:

“I’m Done”

After I saw my children’s friends subjected to it, I thought:

“I’m Done”

After brave women stepped out of prostitution into a permanent place of restoration and healing, I thought

“I’m Done”

Until....someone would make a comment, I would get a random phone call from across the country...

And deeper yet I know God was trying to show me over & over...

Sharing compassion and sharing freedom does not stop...

So that leads me to this spot right now - I see more than ever individuals need compassion.

People don’t need judgement.
People don't need assessment.
People don’t need advice

People - our children, our mothers, our fathers, our friends, strangers - need compassion.

xox