I was thinking the other day, what has helped me break through my concrete walls of pain, over the past few years. I hope by me sharing a few things below, it can be an encouragement in your journey that there is no wall of pain that cannot be broken down.
1. Understanding all details in my life - the good, the bad and the ugly - are all for a purpose and no pain experienced is ever wasted - this is not endorsing pain but acknowledging our Creator is bigger and more powerful than any pain ever experienced.
2. Giving my buckets of tears to God - and nothing else.
3. Not waiting on someone or something to change, so I can heal in my journey. Only focusing on what I can change in myself.
4. Staying vulnerable with my fears to Ken, and taking him to therapy with me.
Ken can only be my best friend when I keep my heart open to him and tell him how to protect and help me. (I have noticed to many times women get angry at their husbands for not helping...and 99% of the time, it isn't the husband not wanting to help - but simply is ignorant on how to help)
5. The road to freedom is probably the most lonely road ever traveled - in spite of layers of pain released - and don't take it personally.
Change is hard for people to embrace - even healthy change. We are creatures of habit and often fine our security in routine relationships or traditions, not in our intimate relationship with God - whether we want to admit it or not.
Friends/Family who I would have thought would have been the biggest support surprised me at times, and for a long time I kept wondering what was wrong - until I realized the lack of embrace had nothing to do with me but there were things in their life that was stopping them from embracing my new journey.
I told a close friend of mine the other day, go through a big change in life and see what people are still walking life with you - those are true friends. It is bitter sweet but oh so heart warming to walk through 'fire' and still see dear friends/family in the fire with you.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours...sweet hugs to each one who has loved me unconditionally and has shown me buckets of grace and patience. I love you all!!
Friday, May 29, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Jenny & Tutu's!
My best friend, Jennifer Paulin, just launched a new company. I am not one to advertise on my blog but I can't help but share her dream with the world!
www.jandjdesigns.biz
J: You know I'm so proud of you and due to you I'm able to write each week on my blog. I love you dear sister!
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours.
www.jandjdesigns.biz
J: You know I'm so proud of you and due to you I'm able to write each week on my blog. I love you dear sister!
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Roses & Integrity
I love my husband - He is the dearest!!! Yesterday when Ken came home from work, he gave me roses. The roses in them self were beautiful but it was under the context that I was getting them that spoke volumes of love to me. I know if I would have had a good week, I would have loved the roses, but knowing what a tough week he had gone through with me - warmed my heart all the more to get fresh flowers from him.
His unconditional love never ceases to amaze me. Ken treats me like a queen when I am acting like everything but one - At one point this week, I asked him - "How do you it...You are so unconditional with me." He told me it isn't the times that I fail with this or that but the fact that I keep my heart open to him - even when I feel vulnerable and scared - so he realizes the battle is not him and I but I am fighting a battle trying to silence me as I discover new freedom every day.
I don't know what my days ahead will look like in my journey as I continue to taste vulnerable freedom and not distract myself with false idols of control...but I do know I have a confident husband that believes in me more than I believe in myself at times.
This week Ken fought for me in ways people will never be able to see...Protecting me in the way when I am 1000 miles a way from him and he is protecting our marriage...He is an amazing protector but as he reminds me - all because of God's divine grace and I keep my heart open to him so he knows how to protect me...I can't encourage you enough to keep your heart open to your soul mate...the cost of not is a silent death in marriage or worse - a co-exiting marriage.
As Ken reminds me - there is NOTHING that will EVER come between us - including my buckets of tears, control and pain at times...As I write this, I know my spirit was saved from major depression this week - all due to my husband being able to speak truth my heart...and one way he did that was giving me roses last night and being a man of intergrity.
Sweet blessing from my heart to yours and to every couple believing in each other more than any obstacle trying to tear them a part.
His unconditional love never ceases to amaze me. Ken treats me like a queen when I am acting like everything but one - At one point this week, I asked him - "How do you it...You are so unconditional with me." He told me it isn't the times that I fail with this or that but the fact that I keep my heart open to him - even when I feel vulnerable and scared - so he realizes the battle is not him and I but I am fighting a battle trying to silence me as I discover new freedom every day.
I don't know what my days ahead will look like in my journey as I continue to taste vulnerable freedom and not distract myself with false idols of control...but I do know I have a confident husband that believes in me more than I believe in myself at times.
This week Ken fought for me in ways people will never be able to see...Protecting me in the way when I am 1000 miles a way from him and he is protecting our marriage...He is an amazing protector but as he reminds me - all because of God's divine grace and I keep my heart open to him so he knows how to protect me...I can't encourage you enough to keep your heart open to your soul mate...the cost of not is a silent death in marriage or worse - a co-exiting marriage.
As Ken reminds me - there is NOTHING that will EVER come between us - including my buckets of tears, control and pain at times...As I write this, I know my spirit was saved from major depression this week - all due to my husband being able to speak truth my heart...and one way he did that was giving me roses last night and being a man of intergrity.
Sweet blessing from my heart to yours and to every couple believing in each other more than any obstacle trying to tear them a part.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Truthful Words
Words that heal my soul...
PSALM 30
I will extol you, O LORD, for you have drawn me up
and have not let my foes rejoice over me.
O LORD my God, I cried to you for help,
and you have healed me.
O LORD, you have brought up my soul from Sheol;
you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.
Sing praises to the LORD, O you his saints,
and give thanks to his holy name.
For his anger is but for a moment,
and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.
As for me, I said in my prosperity,
I shall never be moved."
By your favor, O LORD,
you made my mountain stand strong;
you hid your face;
I was dismayed.
To you, O LORD, I cry,
and to the Lord I plead for mercy:
"What profit is there in my death,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it tell of your faithfulness?
Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me!
O LORD, be my helper!"
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
you have loosed my sackcloth
and clothed me with gladness,
that myglory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!
PSALM 30
I will extol you, O LORD, for you have drawn me up
and have not let my foes rejoice over me.
O LORD my God, I cried to you for help,
and you have healed me.
O LORD, you have brought up my soul from Sheol;
you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.
Sing praises to the LORD, O you his saints,
and give thanks to his holy name.
For his anger is but for a moment,
and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.
As for me, I said in my prosperity,
I shall never be moved."
By your favor, O LORD,
you made my mountain stand strong;
you hid your face;
I was dismayed.
To you, O LORD, I cry,
and to the Lord I plead for mercy:
"What profit is there in my death,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it tell of your faithfulness?
Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me!
O LORD, be my helper!"
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
you have loosed my sackcloth
and clothed me with gladness,
that myglory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Two Boats
My dear friend Trish just wrote a post about our friendship...the type of friendship that is 20 years old.
2 girls...2 different towns...one a small town, one a city girl...2 different boats riding the waves through life...I love it because between the years both of us have lived in different cities throughout the world and today we are both back in a place where we found each other 20 years ago: I'm living in a city and she is back living in a small town. I just told her last night on the phone, I miss her town and the people in it.
What I marvel the most about of our friendship that started 20 years ago, Tricia 13 and myself 12, God has showed me though this gift of friendship, is a close picture of His unconditional love and support for me - us - regardless of where I am at in life.
Trish has embraced me in every stage in my life. She has embraced me when I have been a fantastic friend and traveled across the world to visit her and when I have been a friend that remembered her birthday in the 12th hour. Her support to me has never been based on how many times we see each other, how many times we talk, how many gifts we get each other, how many things we do for each other...And the times in life when I take big leaps, I know she will be one of the first cheerleaders cheering me on, and also one of the first to stop cheering if she senses I'm heading down the wrong road....bottom line, her friendship with me has never been based if we are riding in the same boat or if our boats are even going in the same direction...It is the picture of unconditional friendship.
Two boats - regardless where we are heading in each of our boats, we know no matter where are in life - we are never rowing alone because there is always going to be another boat in the ocean ready to row beside the other boat...just like Jesus...never leaving me alone and always waiting to walk beside me and protect me through life.
Sweet blessings of 20 years of unconditional friendship from Atlanta to Mediapolis.
2 girls...2 different towns...one a small town, one a city girl...2 different boats riding the waves through life...I love it because between the years both of us have lived in different cities throughout the world and today we are both back in a place where we found each other 20 years ago: I'm living in a city and she is back living in a small town. I just told her last night on the phone, I miss her town and the people in it.
What I marvel the most about of our friendship that started 20 years ago, Tricia 13 and myself 12, God has showed me though this gift of friendship, is a close picture of His unconditional love and support for me - us - regardless of where I am at in life.
Trish has embraced me in every stage in my life. She has embraced me when I have been a fantastic friend and traveled across the world to visit her and when I have been a friend that remembered her birthday in the 12th hour. Her support to me has never been based on how many times we see each other, how many times we talk, how many gifts we get each other, how many things we do for each other...And the times in life when I take big leaps, I know she will be one of the first cheerleaders cheering me on, and also one of the first to stop cheering if she senses I'm heading down the wrong road....bottom line, her friendship with me has never been based if we are riding in the same boat or if our boats are even going in the same direction...It is the picture of unconditional friendship.
Two boats - regardless where we are heading in each of our boats, we know no matter where are in life - we are never rowing alone because there is always going to be another boat in the ocean ready to row beside the other boat...just like Jesus...never leaving me alone and always waiting to walk beside me and protect me through life.
Sweet blessings of 20 years of unconditional friendship from Atlanta to Mediapolis.
Friday, May 1, 2009
My Questions
Journal entry 1.30.06
Why...Why...Why didn't anyone notice? How fast will I heal? ...Those are some questions I wrote down before I went to see my therapist back in January 2006.
Oh my - how fast will I heal?!... Here it is 2009 and I have been down so many roads to heal - if Helen would have told me upfront my healing was only going to deal with my heart - and no one elses or no one elses reactions - I don't think I would have believed her bc at that time in my walk I was looking for someone to fix everything, someone to blame and for someone to answer all of my whys...
Somehow between now that then, God has gently shown me it is not about getting my whys answered but what I do with the pain to grow in my walk. It isn't about yesterday: it is about today.
God led and continues to lead my healing in baby steps and there is no timetable or one path to heal. I often fine in my tender moments of pain that my healing takes place in trusting God and His plan for my life - that regardless of the pain - His plan for me is bigger than pain and He didn't create my soul to rest in pain but to embrace moments He gives me daily with people that are close and dear to my heart.
I don't know what you are going through today, but don't run from your questions or fears in life - Rather embrace them, go after them so you can understand them for what they are and they don't become bigger balloons in your life than they need to be.
For years I felt anxious and guilty -could never figure out why - and chased perfectionism...And yet throught that, I was determined to get the bottom of it and I praise God He showed me the umbrella of pain that was subconsciously hanging over my head for years.
I now look at tender moments or down days as times God getting my attention and it is my job to unpeel my pain so I live in freedom...the kind that makes me want to skip and not just walk each day!
Sweet blessings to you today!
Why...Why...Why didn't anyone notice? How fast will I heal? ...Those are some questions I wrote down before I went to see my therapist back in January 2006.
Oh my - how fast will I heal?!... Here it is 2009 and I have been down so many roads to heal - if Helen would have told me upfront my healing was only going to deal with my heart - and no one elses or no one elses reactions - I don't think I would have believed her bc at that time in my walk I was looking for someone to fix everything, someone to blame and for someone to answer all of my whys...
Somehow between now that then, God has gently shown me it is not about getting my whys answered but what I do with the pain to grow in my walk. It isn't about yesterday: it is about today.
God led and continues to lead my healing in baby steps and there is no timetable or one path to heal. I often fine in my tender moments of pain that my healing takes place in trusting God and His plan for my life - that regardless of the pain - His plan for me is bigger than pain and He didn't create my soul to rest in pain but to embrace moments He gives me daily with people that are close and dear to my heart.
I don't know what you are going through today, but don't run from your questions or fears in life - Rather embrace them, go after them so you can understand them for what they are and they don't become bigger balloons in your life than they need to be.
For years I felt anxious and guilty -could never figure out why - and chased perfectionism...And yet throught that, I was determined to get the bottom of it and I praise God He showed me the umbrella of pain that was subconsciously hanging over my head for years.
I now look at tender moments or down days as times God getting my attention and it is my job to unpeel my pain so I live in freedom...the kind that makes me want to skip and not just walk each day!
Sweet blessings to you today!
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