After I got married I didn't know when I wanted to have kids - in spite of not being aware of my absue until I was 28 years old. All I knew was the fear of bringing a child into the world because deep down I never wanted to let a child down and the best option I thought at the time was to keep life 'safe' for Ken and I. After a few years, we had Sophie and that was the bginning of God showing me the beauty of letting go...And God showing me the picture of freedom and vulnerability is a MILLION times bigger than a 'safe' and fear life - which ultimately only brings more bondage and fear into my life.
So now when I come upon something I sense is fear driven and sense a bigger vulnerability and calling from God...bringing orphans into our home, spending more of my time sharing freedom with souls - and less time on 'perfecting' myself, throwing myself into motherhood - knowing in 9 years my daughter will be leaving our home and entering her own journey with God (God doesn't have grandchildren)- that all feels out of control and not a lot of ducks in a row each day - but having buckets of priceless joy.
Sometimes I have to push myself out of my cocoon (sometimes eyes opened other times eyes shut), stop analyzing everything to make sure its 'safe' - and I put my arms up in the air and breathe.......and say embrace the gifts that come along my journey, walk confidently because no path is ever on detour, treat circumstances that feel like thorns and recognize with a thorn is a bigger rose, remind myself God carries my pain, and let my heart accept a priceless freedom that anyone would say is from the same Creator who controls the height of the waves, the speed of the wind and opens up the lilies each day... Sometimes that all sounds and seems to simple and GOOD - but that is it - it is...and my arms are raised high.
Sweet blessings from my hearts to yours!
Friday, July 31, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
A Year
This time of year makes me think about so much...one because my birthday is coming up and secondly because its getting close to school time...
This past week it hit how differently I am than last year at this time...at this time last year Cole was signed up for a sport, Sophie ballet, both enrolled in a private school, part of a discipleship group, had no problem snapping at my kids or ken - and sweet to everyone else, felt 'safe' as I served on a board for abused women, consumed with how soon can I go shopping, when will my cleaning lady come to clean my house and the list goes on...
And yet this is my week to date:
Neither Sophie or Cole are signed up for extra curricular activties; I don't snap at my husband and kids (yes - there are still days) from passive anger; Resigned from my board because I can be a voice for the voiceless with my 2 children and husband; Participating in home schooling; Somehow can't pay my cleaning lady because 400.00 goes a long ways to help orphans who have no freedom; Had conversations with people that are typically written off in our society; I am consumed with writing my book and seeing how our family can share freedom with ladies who are bound in emotional baggage from ugly abuse; And somehow the desire to get the latest and greatest for myself - and even for my children - is become lesser and lesser...
This may all sound like 'no big deal' but for me - those are nothing short of mountains being moved in my journey so I taste freedom...and now share freedom with orphans and widows...
I think of the past year and how God has been more than gracious as he continues to hold me in His palm - including the days I still have "temper tantrums" - and can only imagine what a year from now will look like...
And I end with this...to the brave beautiful souls who are taking baby steps of exposing darkness let my little testimony of how drastically my july in 2009 compared to july 2009 is be a glimpse of hope for you in your journey.
Stop trying to move mountains on your own.
Stop trying to gain God's favor
Stop trying to play peace maker in your life
Stop trying to look at the Bible as a self-help book
Stop trying to forget your abuse and embrace God carrying your pain
God didn't send Jesus for peace but for freedom...and sometimes that road to freedom is lonely, costly to relationships and more than vulnerable at times...but worth every step and more.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours...My heart is with you each step.
This past week it hit how differently I am than last year at this time...at this time last year Cole was signed up for a sport, Sophie ballet, both enrolled in a private school, part of a discipleship group, had no problem snapping at my kids or ken - and sweet to everyone else, felt 'safe' as I served on a board for abused women, consumed with how soon can I go shopping, when will my cleaning lady come to clean my house and the list goes on...
And yet this is my week to date:
Neither Sophie or Cole are signed up for extra curricular activties; I don't snap at my husband and kids (yes - there are still days) from passive anger; Resigned from my board because I can be a voice for the voiceless with my 2 children and husband; Participating in home schooling; Somehow can't pay my cleaning lady because 400.00 goes a long ways to help orphans who have no freedom; Had conversations with people that are typically written off in our society; I am consumed with writing my book and seeing how our family can share freedom with ladies who are bound in emotional baggage from ugly abuse; And somehow the desire to get the latest and greatest for myself - and even for my children - is become lesser and lesser...
This may all sound like 'no big deal' but for me - those are nothing short of mountains being moved in my journey so I taste freedom...and now share freedom with orphans and widows...
I think of the past year and how God has been more than gracious as he continues to hold me in His palm - including the days I still have "temper tantrums" - and can only imagine what a year from now will look like...
And I end with this...to the brave beautiful souls who are taking baby steps of exposing darkness let my little testimony of how drastically my july in 2009 compared to july 2009 is be a glimpse of hope for you in your journey.
Stop trying to move mountains on your own.
Stop trying to gain God's favor
Stop trying to play peace maker in your life
Stop trying to look at the Bible as a self-help book
Stop trying to forget your abuse and embrace God carrying your pain
God didn't send Jesus for peace but for freedom...and sometimes that road to freedom is lonely, costly to relationships and more than vulnerable at times...but worth every step and more.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours...My heart is with you each step.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
3 books
3 books I hope Sophie & Cole read someday on their own:
1.The Search for Significance: Seeing your worth through God's eyes
*I love the JOURNAL that goes a long with this. It is a 60 day journal. Short, sweet, real...10-15 mins a day.
This journal had a quick way of getting to the core of my soul and challenging every truth/lie that settles in my soul, and challenging my actions and energies each day. It also had a way of exposing false layers of worth that I was hanging onto and didn't realize at the time.
If you are at any spot in your journey looking for emotional freedom, do the journal.
Right now I am doing the youth verson with my daughter every Tuesday night. This past year I led a small group but this summer I am realizing with home schooling my darlings, they are my 'small group' and for outreach - that is my passion - will be organic this fall...making cookies and taking it to the homeless...I want my kids to see they don't need to wait for a mission trip or a serivce weekend to reach beyond the walls of their homes.
2.Parenting with Love & Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility
Anyone with children younger than 12: Get the book. This book has wisdom beyond it years.
3.It Is Not Okay With Me.
Every soul needs to read this book. This book is the picture of living life to the fullest.
Be vulnerable & enjoy!!
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours.
1.The Search for Significance: Seeing your worth through God's eyes
*I love the JOURNAL that goes a long with this. It is a 60 day journal. Short, sweet, real...10-15 mins a day.
This journal had a quick way of getting to the core of my soul and challenging every truth/lie that settles in my soul, and challenging my actions and energies each day. It also had a way of exposing false layers of worth that I was hanging onto and didn't realize at the time.
If you are at any spot in your journey looking for emotional freedom, do the journal.
Right now I am doing the youth verson with my daughter every Tuesday night. This past year I led a small group but this summer I am realizing with home schooling my darlings, they are my 'small group' and for outreach - that is my passion - will be organic this fall...making cookies and taking it to the homeless...I want my kids to see they don't need to wait for a mission trip or a serivce weekend to reach beyond the walls of their homes.
2.Parenting with Love & Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility
Anyone with children younger than 12: Get the book. This book has wisdom beyond it years.
3.It Is Not Okay With Me.
Every soul needs to read this book. This book is the picture of living life to the fullest.
Be vulnerable & enjoy!!
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Grandpa's Verses
Some of my grandpa's favorite verses from the bible were Psalm 121 & Isaiah 41:10
May these words remind us that God is greater than any speed bump in life. And when suffering becomes a part of our day, God never stops orchestrating a plan to heal our souls and providing a path of freedom that is bigger than suffering.
Freedom is only understood when it breaks through chains. And the time that chains seem to strong to break, that is the beauty of God - He breaks our chains for us.
The precious times I have seen God miraculously break my chains and give me freedom beyond my comprehension - are the times I surrender all of my earthly ways for superficial freedom, acknowledge I can't break my chains, and trust God's words and ways - regardless of who is supporting me and regardless of what that road looks and feels like...
And that is what I love about my grandpa's verses...they remind me to stop co-piloting my life with God.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours!
PSALM 121
I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD is your keeper;
the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
The LORD will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.
ISAIAH 41:10
fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
May these words remind us that God is greater than any speed bump in life. And when suffering becomes a part of our day, God never stops orchestrating a plan to heal our souls and providing a path of freedom that is bigger than suffering.
Freedom is only understood when it breaks through chains. And the time that chains seem to strong to break, that is the beauty of God - He breaks our chains for us.
The precious times I have seen God miraculously break my chains and give me freedom beyond my comprehension - are the times I surrender all of my earthly ways for superficial freedom, acknowledge I can't break my chains, and trust God's words and ways - regardless of who is supporting me and regardless of what that road looks and feels like...
And that is what I love about my grandpa's verses...they remind me to stop co-piloting my life with God.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours!
PSALM 121
I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD is your keeper;
the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
The LORD will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.
ISAIAH 41:10
fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
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