Piano....Motherhood....Religion....InteriorDesign....Anger....
Helping other souls.....Exercise....HealthFood....Marriage...Shopping
I look at this list and ponder - how many more worlds will I escape to and use to mask pain that only Jesus can heal? Sometimes I wonder - how does my life look when I am ready to surrender all of my pain to Him (It still is a lack of trust and need for control)? Will I be more content? Do I stop chasing distractions - good and bad? Does my heart have so much freedom I only know how to shout for joy 24/7? I don't think so. I think I will always have pain but to the extent it will be a scar..just that - a scar - no more and no less.
This past week I came upon some old journals and it struck me how long I have been fighting 'this pain': December 2005/January 2006.
-Why didn't anyone tell me when pain is shed, it is a good 4 year (and maybe longer) journey that demands time and grace, and more time and grace? (Although I doubt I would have let my self accepted that and thought - a good 3 months of therapy and I will be "done")
-Why didn't anyone tell me, when pain is shed, distractions become more ugly than ever before?
-Why, Why, Why...I have so many whys.
On the flip side of Whys...
-Why am I married to a man that doesn't abuse me - physically or verbally? Most ladies in my shoes stay in the 'pain' that was given to them as a child.
-Why am I in a situation to stay home so I can have the gift of soaking up little moments with my daughter and son - when millions of successful people are out of a job right now - and millions more have nothing but a cardboard box they call home?
-Why am I able to celebrate life through a set of beliefs that continue to show me freedom?
-Why, Why, Why...so many more whys.
I don't have any answers besides I have to many whys, that I am blessed with that I can't help - help break the silence of pain for hundreds of other individuals who never will be able to break their silence on their own....and pray my soul doesn't get wrapped up with 10 new worlds of escapes (that is likely to happen) but the world of Jesus.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Why Post?
I typically like to post each week, but I missed this past week because I was flying back from Scottsdale and "my posting time" slipped away from me! However, this past weekend in spite of not posting, I was thinking, "What would I write?" Unusually, nothing was jumping out at me until I dug deeper and asked myself, "Why do I post each week? What is the point of this?" For a minute I thought of shutting down my post - just "be done" with it. Forget it. Act like it never happened...oh my, that was a familiar line...act like it never happened....hmm....
Since I was at a loss of what to write, all I could think about was how God continues to use my past pain for good, and so many people carry their pain in silence. At times when I think, "stop blogging," then I run into another friend or soul and pain is written all over them from some type of past abuse or pain that they are running from today and hiding from - in one way or form - morally or immorally. Mud is mud.
The only way we let pain get the best of our lives is when we give permission to let it. There are numerous "things" we can put in place of pain: drinking, success, acceptance, eating disorders, what is IT that gets the best of your soul and fuels your soul with lies? Mine is my prison of pain. Somehow I think if I keep my pain, it will shout through me so everyone can see the truth on what really happened in my childhood - and maybe if enough people can see, someone will stop it....hmm...if that isn't childhood pain coming out....
Why don't we embrace our pain? Why do we fall victim to it? Why do we give more weight on pain than it deserves? Do we think when we fall victim to pain given to us from someone else, that staying in a prison of pain that the walls would somehow sallow up our deep valleys of bruises? Why don't we acknowledge our pain for what it is and then with greater confidence, know we will be stronger of it? I have said this before, but I will say it again, Jesus didn't live in the past. Whether you embrace Jesus or not - Just bringing him down to a strictly human level -or even if you don't believe in Him just strictly looking at him as a fictional character in a novel called the Bible - He was betrayed, beaten, left for dead...and never ONCE did he play victim. He didn't even let isolation get in the way of his purpose on earth.
I will never forget a dinner I had with a friend of mine. Her past was similar to mine. And as we were sitting in a quaint small restaurant, she told me, "Amy, no one will ever be able to say sorry enough" How is it 2 years later I'm still looking for someone to say sorry, sorry, sorry...
The truth is I was abused. I was isolated. I was silenced. Physically I was wasn't left for dead but my soul was left for dead time after time after time. No one heard or saw my cry of help. And yet those hours of darkness that some will never understand, were times my soul was crying the loudest that it will survive and NOTHING will be able to crush it. I remember the first time my soul was silenced. I was 3 years old.
I say this with caution but the 'beauty' of pain starting at 3 years old, that same day a seed of confidence was sown - that never again was I going to let anything deter my purpose on earth. In a sense, my abuse was the best lesson in life. It taught me people let me down, I take nothing for face value, Crap will happen in life, but it is never an excuse to keep my head down. I may get 'slapped' at times, but I will not keep my head down. My soul was not created to die but to blossom. And sometimes that means going through hell.
In one sense, we have no say what will happen to us in our life. We have nothing to do with our first breath and we will have no power when our last breath is taken from us. However; all the breaths between birth and death, we have minds to not only take in life but the profound ability to process and shed layers of pain that at the end of the day are only strangers to freedom that our souls know best.
Life is to short to let hell and pain define my day to day life. I can never change what is directed my way but I have just as much say on how I will handle it and more importantly how it will shape me for today. And when the sun goes down tonight, my soul will not only survive but live a life that is able to learn to embrace freedom to the point that it overrides pain that attempts to steal my freedom.
Sweet blessings, given to you from my healer of pain, and redeemer of freedom, Jesus, from my heart to yours.
Since I was at a loss of what to write, all I could think about was how God continues to use my past pain for good, and so many people carry their pain in silence. At times when I think, "stop blogging," then I run into another friend or soul and pain is written all over them from some type of past abuse or pain that they are running from today and hiding from - in one way or form - morally or immorally. Mud is mud.
The only way we let pain get the best of our lives is when we give permission to let it. There are numerous "things" we can put in place of pain: drinking, success, acceptance, eating disorders, what is IT that gets the best of your soul and fuels your soul with lies? Mine is my prison of pain. Somehow I think if I keep my pain, it will shout through me so everyone can see the truth on what really happened in my childhood - and maybe if enough people can see, someone will stop it....hmm...if that isn't childhood pain coming out....
Why don't we embrace our pain? Why do we fall victim to it? Why do we give more weight on pain than it deserves? Do we think when we fall victim to pain given to us from someone else, that staying in a prison of pain that the walls would somehow sallow up our deep valleys of bruises? Why don't we acknowledge our pain for what it is and then with greater confidence, know we will be stronger of it? I have said this before, but I will say it again, Jesus didn't live in the past. Whether you embrace Jesus or not - Just bringing him down to a strictly human level -or even if you don't believe in Him just strictly looking at him as a fictional character in a novel called the Bible - He was betrayed, beaten, left for dead...and never ONCE did he play victim. He didn't even let isolation get in the way of his purpose on earth.
I will never forget a dinner I had with a friend of mine. Her past was similar to mine. And as we were sitting in a quaint small restaurant, she told me, "Amy, no one will ever be able to say sorry enough" How is it 2 years later I'm still looking for someone to say sorry, sorry, sorry...
The truth is I was abused. I was isolated. I was silenced. Physically I was wasn't left for dead but my soul was left for dead time after time after time. No one heard or saw my cry of help. And yet those hours of darkness that some will never understand, were times my soul was crying the loudest that it will survive and NOTHING will be able to crush it. I remember the first time my soul was silenced. I was 3 years old.
I say this with caution but the 'beauty' of pain starting at 3 years old, that same day a seed of confidence was sown - that never again was I going to let anything deter my purpose on earth. In a sense, my abuse was the best lesson in life. It taught me people let me down, I take nothing for face value, Crap will happen in life, but it is never an excuse to keep my head down. I may get 'slapped' at times, but I will not keep my head down. My soul was not created to die but to blossom. And sometimes that means going through hell.
In one sense, we have no say what will happen to us in our life. We have nothing to do with our first breath and we will have no power when our last breath is taken from us. However; all the breaths between birth and death, we have minds to not only take in life but the profound ability to process and shed layers of pain that at the end of the day are only strangers to freedom that our souls know best.
Life is to short to let hell and pain define my day to day life. I can never change what is directed my way but I have just as much say on how I will handle it and more importantly how it will shape me for today. And when the sun goes down tonight, my soul will not only survive but live a life that is able to learn to embrace freedom to the point that it overrides pain that attempts to steal my freedom.
Sweet blessings, given to you from my healer of pain, and redeemer of freedom, Jesus, from my heart to yours.
Below is a chapter from the Bible. It is Chapter 8 in the book of Romans.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man,in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.
Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.
You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.
Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
Future Glory I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed.For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Lawrence's Love
I went to an Assisted Living Home today with my son . The children made Valentine's heart bean bags, sang songs, and read their favorite book to a resident - very cute. Imagine 6 & 7' year old boy and girls all in kacki's with red, white and pink polo's.
As I was listening to Cole sing with the other children, I couldn't help but think of my grandparents. One set living in Florida by the beach, the other living in Kansas on a farm - couldn't be more opposite! Seeing the 'grandma's' and 'papa's' made me miss my visits with my grandma, who lives in Siesta Key, in particular. I miss the times she would take out her homemade coffee ice cream - that felt like she only made for me - and missed the boat rides with her in the bay at Siesta Key, while Grandpa would dock the boat and we would get out and gather sand dollars with our feet...
I had to ask myself - how is that I live close to these 'strange' old people and I still have 4 grandparents that all live far away from my children and I? As I was thinking about all of this - I saw Cole sit down by an older gentleman, sharing his favorite book with him....A Dr.Seuss book....after Cole read his book, the three of us started talking and I found out the gentleman, Lawrence, was a farmer in North Atlanta and use to crop cotton and corn...I felt like I was having a conversation with my grandpa 10 years ago - before his Alzheimer's sat it.
When the children and I left the home, I couldn't help but think that is "So God"....knowing what my heart 'needs', out of love, and providing blessings of love for me - even through strangers. I was so blessed to sit down with Lawrence and hear him talk about his school days, and farming - even If I never see him again. But having a conversation with him was just like talking with my grandfather who use to live in Kansas and farm hundreds and hundreds of corn and wheat. He had the same confidence, strength and love as my grandpa.
When I said goodbye to Lawrence, I could sense the love in his heart and appreciation of being with Cole and the other children. He reminded me Valentines Day is a wonderful time of year to bless everyone you meet with love and kindness... I realize not everyone may have a "Valentine", but I do know God will bless your journey with His Love when He is a part of your story. And that love is more fulfilling than any earthly love experience here. I know - I have an amazing soul mate and yet the love I have from my creator is the life that allows me to embrace each new day.
Happy Valentines Day!
Sweet blessing from my heart to yours
As I was listening to Cole sing with the other children, I couldn't help but think of my grandparents. One set living in Florida by the beach, the other living in Kansas on a farm - couldn't be more opposite! Seeing the 'grandma's' and 'papa's' made me miss my visits with my grandma, who lives in Siesta Key, in particular. I miss the times she would take out her homemade coffee ice cream - that felt like she only made for me - and missed the boat rides with her in the bay at Siesta Key, while Grandpa would dock the boat and we would get out and gather sand dollars with our feet...
I had to ask myself - how is that I live close to these 'strange' old people and I still have 4 grandparents that all live far away from my children and I? As I was thinking about all of this - I saw Cole sit down by an older gentleman, sharing his favorite book with him....A Dr.Seuss book....after Cole read his book, the three of us started talking and I found out the gentleman, Lawrence, was a farmer in North Atlanta and use to crop cotton and corn...I felt like I was having a conversation with my grandpa 10 years ago - before his Alzheimer's sat it.
When the children and I left the home, I couldn't help but think that is "So God"....knowing what my heart 'needs', out of love, and providing blessings of love for me - even through strangers. I was so blessed to sit down with Lawrence and hear him talk about his school days, and farming - even If I never see him again. But having a conversation with him was just like talking with my grandfather who use to live in Kansas and farm hundreds and hundreds of corn and wheat. He had the same confidence, strength and love as my grandpa.
When I said goodbye to Lawrence, I could sense the love in his heart and appreciation of being with Cole and the other children. He reminded me Valentines Day is a wonderful time of year to bless everyone you meet with love and kindness... I realize not everyone may have a "Valentine", but I do know God will bless your journey with His Love when He is a part of your story. And that love is more fulfilling than any earthly love experience here. I know - I have an amazing soul mate and yet the love I have from my creator is the life that allows me to embrace each new day.
Happy Valentines Day!
Sweet blessing from my heart to yours
Friday, February 6, 2009
Extend Compassion
February focus: Extend Compassion
I find the the longer I walk on my journey, there is so much 'power' in extending compassion. If only we embraced compassion to the point it would consistently dictate our words and actions, think of the impact that would have in our walks.
From my experience, if I never would have been shown the power of compassion. I would be a miserable adult. I remember back in June 2007, I was at a point in my walk wanting to forgive an individual but it seem beyond human to...until for a second I got a picture of the forgiveness given to me by Jesus...and that picture naturally enabled me to extend forgiveness on a individual that didn't 'deserve' it but through compassion got it. I realized my forgiveness didn't erase the pain that was still needing to heal at that point, but my heart no longer was holding onto anger that was only becoming more toxic to my self not the individual.
To many times people assume forgiveness and showing compassion is somehow dismissing truth in their life...somehow subconsciously the mind thinks if it extends compassion with forgiveness it is acting like an act never happen. Not true. My healing still needed that gift of time at that point in my life, but no longer was I going to let the bitterness from past hurt remain a friend in my walk.
Life is short. Life is fast. Life is to precious to spend days withholding compassion. I love the line, "Everyone needs compassion, everyone needs forgiveness, let mercy fall on me..." I no longer have time to wrestle with hurt or anger but showing compassion enables me to live a life that is really a vapor in the big picture.
Embrace the gift of life today and along the way extend compassion.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours.
I find the the longer I walk on my journey, there is so much 'power' in extending compassion. If only we embraced compassion to the point it would consistently dictate our words and actions, think of the impact that would have in our walks.
From my experience, if I never would have been shown the power of compassion. I would be a miserable adult. I remember back in June 2007, I was at a point in my walk wanting to forgive an individual but it seem beyond human to...until for a second I got a picture of the forgiveness given to me by Jesus...and that picture naturally enabled me to extend forgiveness on a individual that didn't 'deserve' it but through compassion got it. I realized my forgiveness didn't erase the pain that was still needing to heal at that point, but my heart no longer was holding onto anger that was only becoming more toxic to my self not the individual.
To many times people assume forgiveness and showing compassion is somehow dismissing truth in their life...somehow subconsciously the mind thinks if it extends compassion with forgiveness it is acting like an act never happen. Not true. My healing still needed that gift of time at that point in my life, but no longer was I going to let the bitterness from past hurt remain a friend in my walk.
Life is short. Life is fast. Life is to precious to spend days withholding compassion. I love the line, "Everyone needs compassion, everyone needs forgiveness, let mercy fall on me..." I no longer have time to wrestle with hurt or anger but showing compassion enables me to live a life that is really a vapor in the big picture.
Embrace the gift of life today and along the way extend compassion.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)