Sunday, December 20, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
My Tears
Tears still come streaming down my face.
Some are tears of losing my grandma, but I know many of them are still tears from my abuse.
I hesitate to be so terribly vulnerable and honest but to do anything else, is wrong for my spirit.
This time of year is hard for me. Probably the hardest time of the year - so much anticipation and festivities -so much attention is brought upon my Savior...and yet this is the same Savior that allowed abuse to happen in my life.
Rages of emotion erupt inside of me. Thus I know why tears still come out of me. Tears from all of the times my heart was ripped out of me, trust was shaken, for every single time I was molested - in spite of my dear parents never being aware of it.
anger.
confusion.
bitterness.
sadness.
grief.
numbness.
To even write such emotions is almost scary for me. It shows me how my heart wrestles with "why, why, why". I would love to only write letters of "I'm GREAT." Big picture I can honestly say, "For the glory of God...." But on a more superficial level - I want to scream "WHY WHY WHY" "WHERE WERE YOU GOD"
and then... somehow...once again... my heart slowly breaks when I expose my anger...
thoughts of "WHERE WHERE YOU AMY" come right back to me from God...on all of the times I have chosen to ignore Gods way and He still redeemed me.
years of spending foolishly...and somehow would provide thousands and thousands of dollars still...
years of trusting my idols of comfort over letting him be my comfort...and giving me new mercies each day...
years of blindly judging individuals who didn't live like me...and giving me grace when I was the one in the wrong...
years of thinking I had it all together...and knowing my heart had so much growing to do but God took one layer a way at a time...
years of not comprehending my sin that Jesus covered for me...and then one day 3 years ago getting a clear picture of how ugly my sin is and has been and the miraculous forgiveness He grants me
my list could go on...
Tears are still streaming down my face; but now they are different tears
I still want to ask God, "WHY" but I surrender my demands for questions answered and instead genuinely give "Glory to God" - how - nothing short of the spirit breaking my tears of grieving into tears of thankfulness.
thankfulness for God redeeming my heart - even if He did know at some stage of my life pain was going to be a part of it.
thankfulness for having a soul mate that doesn't emotionally or physically abuse me -but quite the opposite.
thankfulness I am able to love Sophie and Cole - even during the emotional ride of going to therapy as they were growing up.
thankfulness my heart is able to cry out to Jesus when buckets of pain overwhelm me and I don't go out and shop for a quick fix of control.
thankfulness that I am not the one in control but my God is...the same one who tells the sun to rise each morning and the sun to set each night, the same one who orchestrates the storms and calm breezes and who creates pure moments of freedom for me, like right now.
as Ken told me tonight:
"I trust God because trusting myself is scarier"
In my heart, I fall down, surrender to God and worship - with a heart releasing my tears of anger and turn into tears of worship...for this miraculous time of year.
With tear filled eyes I say, "Merry Christmas. I pray this Christmas is a season of seeing how miraculous of healer Jesus continues to be each day." Jesus is to miraculous and powerful to stay stuck in the "WHY" and not follow with a thankful heart. Trusting and following anything else wouldn't be worth all of these tears...that I have a feeling will still come for years.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to years.
Some are tears of losing my grandma, but I know many of them are still tears from my abuse.
I hesitate to be so terribly vulnerable and honest but to do anything else, is wrong for my spirit.
This time of year is hard for me. Probably the hardest time of the year - so much anticipation and festivities -so much attention is brought upon my Savior...and yet this is the same Savior that allowed abuse to happen in my life.
Rages of emotion erupt inside of me. Thus I know why tears still come out of me. Tears from all of the times my heart was ripped out of me, trust was shaken, for every single time I was molested - in spite of my dear parents never being aware of it.
anger.
confusion.
bitterness.
sadness.
grief.
numbness.
To even write such emotions is almost scary for me. It shows me how my heart wrestles with "why, why, why". I would love to only write letters of "I'm GREAT." Big picture I can honestly say, "For the glory of God...." But on a more superficial level - I want to scream "WHY WHY WHY" "WHERE WERE YOU GOD"
and then... somehow...once again... my heart slowly breaks when I expose my anger...
thoughts of "WHERE WHERE YOU AMY" come right back to me from God...on all of the times I have chosen to ignore Gods way and He still redeemed me.
years of spending foolishly...and somehow would provide thousands and thousands of dollars still...
years of trusting my idols of comfort over letting him be my comfort...and giving me new mercies each day...
years of blindly judging individuals who didn't live like me...and giving me grace when I was the one in the wrong...
years of thinking I had it all together...and knowing my heart had so much growing to do but God took one layer a way at a time...
years of not comprehending my sin that Jesus covered for me...and then one day 3 years ago getting a clear picture of how ugly my sin is and has been and the miraculous forgiveness He grants me
my list could go on...
Tears are still streaming down my face; but now they are different tears
I still want to ask God, "WHY" but I surrender my demands for questions answered and instead genuinely give "Glory to God" - how - nothing short of the spirit breaking my tears of grieving into tears of thankfulness.
thankfulness for God redeeming my heart - even if He did know at some stage of my life pain was going to be a part of it.
thankfulness for having a soul mate that doesn't emotionally or physically abuse me -but quite the opposite.
thankfulness I am able to love Sophie and Cole - even during the emotional ride of going to therapy as they were growing up.
thankfulness my heart is able to cry out to Jesus when buckets of pain overwhelm me and I don't go out and shop for a quick fix of control.
thankfulness that I am not the one in control but my God is...the same one who tells the sun to rise each morning and the sun to set each night, the same one who orchestrates the storms and calm breezes and who creates pure moments of freedom for me, like right now.
as Ken told me tonight:
"I trust God because trusting myself is scarier"
In my heart, I fall down, surrender to God and worship - with a heart releasing my tears of anger and turn into tears of worship...for this miraculous time of year.
With tear filled eyes I say, "Merry Christmas. I pray this Christmas is a season of seeing how miraculous of healer Jesus continues to be each day." Jesus is to miraculous and powerful to stay stuck in the "WHY" and not follow with a thankful heart. Trusting and following anything else wouldn't be worth all of these tears...that I have a feeling will still come for years.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to years.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Wise Words
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
Mother Teresa
Sweetest Blessings.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
Mother Teresa
Sweetest Blessings.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
My Gifts
My gifts this season:
"To my husband, trust. To my daughter and son, time. To my friends', my heart. To my sisters, loyalty. To my mom and dad, appreciation. To my family, acceptance. To my enemy, forgiveness. To every child, a good example. To every child in bondage, my voice. To all, mercy. To myself, freedom.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours!
"To my husband, trust. To my daughter and son, time. To my friends', my heart. To my sisters, loyalty. To my mom and dad, appreciation. To my family, acceptance. To my enemy, forgiveness. To every child, a good example. To every child in bondage, my voice. To all, mercy. To myself, freedom.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours!
My Box
As much as I live outside of a box, I find myself still living in a box. I still try to control my emotions, more than I like to admit. I know its my way of trying to protect myself. Somehow in the back of my mind, I have this lie that says, to much fun will get me hurt...will get me pain...I know its my past abuse still releasing from me.
Baby steps. Deep breath.
This is an amazing breakthrough for me. I often find myself relaxing or having fun with the kids and then all of a sudden I am 'done'...I know its my heart sensing subconsciously I am still going to be silenced and hurt out of the blue...
I keep thinking that my journey has complete release from my abuse and then I will have this breakthrough of "OH MY WORD".
As I realize the lie - relaxing equates pain - tears come flowing out of me once again; I see myself once again releasing buckets of shame, pain and at the same time, freedom - in the arms of ken.
Baby steps. Deep breath.
Slowing breaking from my safe box. And smiling.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.
Baby steps. Deep breath.
This is an amazing breakthrough for me. I often find myself relaxing or having fun with the kids and then all of a sudden I am 'done'...I know its my heart sensing subconsciously I am still going to be silenced and hurt out of the blue...
I keep thinking that my journey has complete release from my abuse and then I will have this breakthrough of "OH MY WORD".
As I realize the lie - relaxing equates pain - tears come flowing out of me once again; I see myself once again releasing buckets of shame, pain and at the same time, freedom - in the arms of ken.
Baby steps. Deep breath.
Slowing breaking from my safe box. And smiling.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.
Monday, December 7, 2009
My Gifts
My gifts this season:
"To my husband, trust. To my daughter and son, time. To my friends', my heart. To my sisters, loyalty. To my mom and dad, appreciation. To my family, acceptance. To my enemy, forgiveness. To every child, a good example. To every child in bondage, my voice. To all, mercy. To myself, freedom.
Sweetest Blessings.
xox
"To my husband, trust. To my daughter and son, time. To my friends', my heart. To my sisters, loyalty. To my mom and dad, appreciation. To my family, acceptance. To my enemy, forgiveness. To every child, a good example. To every child in bondage, my voice. To all, mercy. To myself, freedom.
Sweetest Blessings.
xox
Monday, November 30, 2009
"Goodnight Grandma...
Dear Sweet Grandma,
I know your smile will greet me each morning as the sun rises...your hugs will cover me with the clouds over me...and your spirit will warm me as the sunsets each night.
I smile to think of you with Jesus right now.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and love for God with me. I will miss sitting next to you in church, eating strawberry crepes with you and most of all - miss your 10 minute phone calls each week. And I promise as soon as I see you, I will bring one more caramel cappuccino.
Thank you.
Thank you for teaching me to dance through life. Watching you dance in life taught me never to settle for just walking - no matter how hard the journey became. Your ability to always walk through valleys and come out stronger, taught me I don't need to stay in mine but rise above them.
Thank you.
Most of all - thank you for teaching me the word of God as my compass in life. I love starting and ending my day with my bible - just like you showed me and did in your life.
Thank you.
I won't say goodbye - but goodnight...
...I will see you the morning"
I love you,
Sweet beautiful grandma,
Amy Cherise
I know your smile will greet me each morning as the sun rises...your hugs will cover me with the clouds over me...and your spirit will warm me as the sunsets each night.
I smile to think of you with Jesus right now.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and love for God with me. I will miss sitting next to you in church, eating strawberry crepes with you and most of all - miss your 10 minute phone calls each week. And I promise as soon as I see you, I will bring one more caramel cappuccino.
Thank you.
Thank you for teaching me to dance through life. Watching you dance in life taught me never to settle for just walking - no matter how hard the journey became. Your ability to always walk through valleys and come out stronger, taught me I don't need to stay in mine but rise above them.
Thank you.
Most of all - thank you for teaching me the word of God as my compass in life. I love starting and ending my day with my bible - just like you showed me and did in your life.
Thank you.
I won't say goodbye - but goodnight...
...I will see you the morning"
I love you,
Sweet beautiful grandma,
Amy Cherise
Goodnight Grandma
Dear Sweet Grandma,
I know your smile will greet me each morning as the sun rises...your hugs will cover me with the clouds over me...and your spirit will warm me as the sunsets each night.
I smile to think of you with Jesus right now.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and love for God with me. I will miss sitting next to you in church, eating strawberry crepes with you and most of all - miss your 10 minute phone calls each week. And I promise as soon as I see you, I will bring one more caramel cappuccino.
Thank you.
Thank you for teaching me to dance through life. Watching you dance in life taught me never to settle for just walking - no matter how hard the journey became. Your ability to always walk through valleys and come out stronger, taught me I don't need to stay in mine but rise above them.
Thank you.
Most of all - thank you for teaching me the word of God as my compass in life. I love starting and ending my day with my bible - just like you showed me and did in your life.
Thank you.
I won't say goodbye - but goodnight...
...I will see you the morning"
I love you,
Sweet beautiful grandma,
Amy Cherise
I know your smile will greet me each morning as the sun rises...your hugs will cover me with the clouds over me...and your spirit will warm me as the sunsets each night.
I smile to think of you with Jesus right now.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and love for God with me. I will miss sitting next to you in church, eating strawberry crepes with you and most of all - miss your 10 minute phone calls each week. And I promise as soon as I see you, I will bring one more caramel cappuccino.
Thank you.
Thank you for teaching me to dance through life. Watching you dance in life taught me never to settle for just walking - no matter how hard the journey became. Your ability to always walk through valleys and come out stronger, taught me I don't need to stay in mine but rise above them.
Thank you.
Most of all - thank you for teaching me the word of God as my compass in life. I love starting and ending my day with my bible - just like you showed me and did in your life.
Thank you.
I won't say goodbye - but goodnight...
...I will see you the morning"
I love you,
Sweet beautiful grandma,
Amy Cherise
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
My Happiness
"For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. but there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, times still to be served, a debt to be paid. at last it dawned on me that those obstacles were my life. this perspective helped me to see there is no way to happiness. happiness is the way. so treasure each moment you have and remember that times waits for no one." SOUZA
I realize now my unforeseen abuse, for years, was a cloud hanging over my head. As Thanksgiving comes near this year, I celebrate with a new spirit...a spirit for a renewed appreciation for the mercies from God - and my family - given to me each day - as I learn to embrace happiness and learn to step into new shoes of freedom and not fear.
"Thank you Jesus. I am broken and you make me whole"
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours this Thanksgiving!
PS. My favorite line from Cole after we move to Reynolds: "We did it! We can do anything!!"
I realize now my unforeseen abuse, for years, was a cloud hanging over my head. As Thanksgiving comes near this year, I celebrate with a new spirit...a spirit for a renewed appreciation for the mercies from God - and my family - given to me each day - as I learn to embrace happiness and learn to step into new shoes of freedom and not fear.
"Thank you Jesus. I am broken and you make me whole"
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours this Thanksgiving!
PS. My favorite line from Cole after we move to Reynolds: "We did it! We can do anything!!"
Monday, November 23, 2009
My Happiness
"For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. but there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, times still to be served, a debt to be paid. at last it dawned on me that those obstacles were my life. this perspective helped me to see there is no way to happiness. happiness is the way. so treasure each moment you have and remember that times waits for no one." SOUZA
I realize now my unforeseen abuse, for years, was a cloud hanging over my head. As Thanksgiving comes near this year, I celebrate with a new spirit...a spirit for a renewed appreciation for the mercies from God - and my family - given to me each day - as I learn to embrace happiness and learn to step into new shoes of freedom and not fear.
"Thank you Jesus. I am broken and you make me whole"
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours this Thanksgiving!
PS. My favorite line from Cole after we move to Reynolds: "We did it! We can do anything!!"
I realize now my unforeseen abuse, for years, was a cloud hanging over my head. As Thanksgiving comes near this year, I celebrate with a new spirit...a spirit for a renewed appreciation for the mercies from God - and my family - given to me each day - as I learn to embrace happiness and learn to step into new shoes of freedom and not fear.
"Thank you Jesus. I am broken and you make me whole"
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours this Thanksgiving!
PS. My favorite line from Cole after we move to Reynolds: "We did it! We can do anything!!"
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Favorite Book
One of my favorites:
THE REASON FOR GOD by Tim Keller.
www.thereasonforGod.com
Sweetest Blessings!!
THE REASON FOR GOD by Tim Keller.
www.thereasonforGod.com
Sweetest Blessings!!
Trusting Still
I'm still learning to give all of my trust to God. Trusting His ways over my ways. Trusting His words. Trusting His thoughts. Trusting the Bible like it really is all true. I find myself selectively trusting God. It is easy to follow to God when I sense following His ways makes sense for me...it is another story when His ways get in the way of my ideas.
Most often my ways clash when God when I am wanting to fulfill my self with something. When I am at that crossroad in the road - I try to stop and realize my shallow way of fulfilling myself doesn't compare to what God can fulfill with me -but those moments take trust!! Those are the times I need to jump off my cliff. Deep breath. I need to jump of my cliff trusting myself. And looking back on my journey - every time I have jumped off my cliff - I don't ever remember a time when I wasn't 'caught'.
Moving to Reynolds was for sure a time of jumping off of my cliff. In spite of us wanting to see our family at Reynolds - it was still uncomfortable for us to break out of our suburbia mold. And now that we are at Reynolds - I'll never regret us jumping off of our 'comfort' cliff.
I love showing Sophie and Cole how vulnerable it is live a life radically trusting God. Vulnerable - but oh so worth it.
"Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for loving me so much you want to see my soul in freedom."
Sweetest blessings!!
Most often my ways clash when God when I am wanting to fulfill my self with something. When I am at that crossroad in the road - I try to stop and realize my shallow way of fulfilling myself doesn't compare to what God can fulfill with me -but those moments take trust!! Those are the times I need to jump off my cliff. Deep breath. I need to jump of my cliff trusting myself. And looking back on my journey - every time I have jumped off my cliff - I don't ever remember a time when I wasn't 'caught'.
Moving to Reynolds was for sure a time of jumping off of my cliff. In spite of us wanting to see our family at Reynolds - it was still uncomfortable for us to break out of our suburbia mold. And now that we are at Reynolds - I'll never regret us jumping off of our 'comfort' cliff.
I love showing Sophie and Cole how vulnerable it is live a life radically trusting God. Vulnerable - but oh so worth it.
"Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for loving me so much you want to see my soul in freedom."
Sweetest blessings!!
Monday, November 9, 2009
3 Days
T3 Days and movers & packers are here. Unreal. Beyond excited to make Reynolds Plantation our home full time.
I'm still absorbing our house actually sold in less than 3 months!! Ever since we bought a place a few years ago, unexpectedly, both of our hearts fell in love and felt led to have our family live at Reynolds full time. Now the door is wide open!!!
If I would have moved to Reynolds a few years ago, I would have gone for the wrong reasons. I would have gone wanting to escape from all of my fears and have it be a new distraction...in stead it is freeing since I have shed my layers of pain. I am not going to distract my self but let my self 'be' and embrace moments in a new journey -
walking hand in hand with Ken...
not in front of him...
not in back of him...
but side by side.
The way walking with a soul mate should be like.
This move feels so vulnerable - it is one thing to move when we have a new job but another story when we are making an intentional move! I'm not sure if I could be so excited if Ken and I did not trust and support each other the way we do. The trust we experience has been learned in the past few years with both of us giving 101% - worth every single tear and smiled shared.
Freedom. Excited. Vulnerable. Thankful - The way to embrace my days.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.
I'm still absorbing our house actually sold in less than 3 months!! Ever since we bought a place a few years ago, unexpectedly, both of our hearts fell in love and felt led to have our family live at Reynolds full time. Now the door is wide open!!!
If I would have moved to Reynolds a few years ago, I would have gone for the wrong reasons. I would have gone wanting to escape from all of my fears and have it be a new distraction...in stead it is freeing since I have shed my layers of pain. I am not going to distract my self but let my self 'be' and embrace moments in a new journey -
walking hand in hand with Ken...
not in front of him...
not in back of him...
but side by side.
The way walking with a soul mate should be like.
This move feels so vulnerable - it is one thing to move when we have a new job but another story when we are making an intentional move! I'm not sure if I could be so excited if Ken and I did not trust and support each other the way we do. The trust we experience has been learned in the past few years with both of us giving 101% - worth every single tear and smiled shared.
Freedom. Excited. Vulnerable. Thankful - The way to embrace my days.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
My life
Stand tall
Not waste energy on "what if" situations
Not let hurt or fear drive any decisions
Keep embracing moments with Ken. Its quality not quantity.
Never take my marriage for granted.
Spending time with sophie and cole - in the middle of an afternoon to show them a crisis is not what gets my attention with them
Passionately and Intentionally live everyday for the voiceless.
Love unconditionally 24/7.
A full day is not measured by how much I did but knowing I put my all into whatever was on my plate for the day.
Rest at night in grace.
Life is precious!!
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.
Not waste energy on "what if" situations
Not let hurt or fear drive any decisions
Keep embracing moments with Ken. Its quality not quantity.
Never take my marriage for granted.
Spending time with sophie and cole - in the middle of an afternoon to show them a crisis is not what gets my attention with them
Passionately and Intentionally live everyday for the voiceless.
Love unconditionally 24/7.
A full day is not measured by how much I did but knowing I put my all into whatever was on my plate for the day.
Rest at night in grace.
Life is precious!!
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Together Forever
Marriage: so beautiful and yet so hurtful at times.
At times there seems to be so many things that my makes my marriage amazing and complete bliss - and at others times there seems to be just as many things that makes my marriage feel sour. Those spectrum's can happen within a matter of minutes - all because Ken will say something or I will say something and from that point on - Ahh - anger or my walls will instantly go up and from that point on - nothing that Ken will say will matter until I decide to let my walls down and be willing to get over that speed bump at that moment.
In the past I would let those speed bumps go on for days. It was my stubbornness of trying to make a point I was in charge - a lie - honestly, neither Ken and I are in charge. I'm now learning to get over those speeds bumps much faster because I am learning to trust my vulnerability - I am much more willing to take responsibility for my anger at that point and walls of defense.
I have walls that go up fast because in my core I still have this fear of being hurt.
The tone of my marriage is in my hands and yet it is that same responsibility I despise at times. I have to admit it - my tone can control Ken and us. My vulnerability controls the amount of friendship I share with Ken. My sweet girlfriends live life with me but never to the point that I share more with them more than I share with Ken. And it is in that spirit that Ken treats me and protects me in all situations - which just makes me want to love him more.
Its simple. My marriage becomes a love cycle. I never want to stop dating my husband. I know the day we stop dating each other is when I start to resent him and him resent me. That is when I start looking at him as an enemy; I start looking for attention in other places and Ken would not be exempt from that either. For sure we would have no patience with each other which would never let me feel safe to be come vulnerable with him and vice verse.
For a few years Ken and I were in and out of a crazy cycle and I think we broke it because for a moment of clarity one day - it was like - what are we doing...one day years ago we committed our lives to each other why are we now trying to destroy each other? Yes, life is cruel sometimes but who doesn't have cruel moments? Isn't that marriage - loving someone so much I am willing to get and stay in the trench - no matter how long? I have wasted thousands and thousands of our money and there is no shame. Ken knew that was my pain coming out and now I am learning to not run a way from pain - but run to God. And I know if it wasn't spending, it would have been something. I am broken.
It is easy to blame any issues I have in my marriage on something or some one else. It is fear of sometimes acknowledging how broken my soul is - and how desperately I need a Savior to help my brokenness so it doesn't become toxic to me or my marriage. I am broken.
I am broken. But bigger than that, I am loved and accepted in my brokenness by Ken.
Together. Forever.
Sweetest blessings.
PS
A few years ago when Ken and I were in therapy, I will never forget my therapist comment to Ken - after I had shared some stuff on my heart...."Ken, you are a grown adult. You say no to people everyday and you fire people - I know you would die for your wife. You are able to make tough decisions, now go do that for your wife. Let her be the only women you fight for - even if that means making other family and friends feel uncomfortable. Show her how you will fight for her."
At times there seems to be so many things that my makes my marriage amazing and complete bliss - and at others times there seems to be just as many things that makes my marriage feel sour. Those spectrum's can happen within a matter of minutes - all because Ken will say something or I will say something and from that point on - Ahh - anger or my walls will instantly go up and from that point on - nothing that Ken will say will matter until I decide to let my walls down and be willing to get over that speed bump at that moment.
In the past I would let those speed bumps go on for days. It was my stubbornness of trying to make a point I was in charge - a lie - honestly, neither Ken and I are in charge. I'm now learning to get over those speeds bumps much faster because I am learning to trust my vulnerability - I am much more willing to take responsibility for my anger at that point and walls of defense.
I have walls that go up fast because in my core I still have this fear of being hurt.
The tone of my marriage is in my hands and yet it is that same responsibility I despise at times. I have to admit it - my tone can control Ken and us. My vulnerability controls the amount of friendship I share with Ken. My sweet girlfriends live life with me but never to the point that I share more with them more than I share with Ken. And it is in that spirit that Ken treats me and protects me in all situations - which just makes me want to love him more.
Its simple. My marriage becomes a love cycle. I never want to stop dating my husband. I know the day we stop dating each other is when I start to resent him and him resent me. That is when I start looking at him as an enemy; I start looking for attention in other places and Ken would not be exempt from that either. For sure we would have no patience with each other which would never let me feel safe to be come vulnerable with him and vice verse.
For a few years Ken and I were in and out of a crazy cycle and I think we broke it because for a moment of clarity one day - it was like - what are we doing...one day years ago we committed our lives to each other why are we now trying to destroy each other? Yes, life is cruel sometimes but who doesn't have cruel moments? Isn't that marriage - loving someone so much I am willing to get and stay in the trench - no matter how long? I have wasted thousands and thousands of our money and there is no shame. Ken knew that was my pain coming out and now I am learning to not run a way from pain - but run to God. And I know if it wasn't spending, it would have been something. I am broken.
It is easy to blame any issues I have in my marriage on something or some one else. It is fear of sometimes acknowledging how broken my soul is - and how desperately I need a Savior to help my brokenness so it doesn't become toxic to me or my marriage. I am broken.
I am broken. But bigger than that, I am loved and accepted in my brokenness by Ken.
Together. Forever.
Sweetest blessings.
PS
A few years ago when Ken and I were in therapy, I will never forget my therapist comment to Ken - after I had shared some stuff on my heart...."Ken, you are a grown adult. You say no to people everyday and you fire people - I know you would die for your wife. You are able to make tough decisions, now go do that for your wife. Let her be the only women you fight for - even if that means making other family and friends feel uncomfortable. Show her how you will fight for her."
Friday, October 9, 2009
Delicious Dessert
For Trish:
HARVEST APPLE CRISP
APPLE FILLING:(mix all together and set a side)
5 Granny Smith Apples: peeled, cored, and cut into 1 inch pieces
1/2 C Organic Sugar
2 T Fresh Lemon Juice
1 1/2 tsp Ground Cinnamon
1/2 tsp Ground Nutmeg, freshly grated
1/4 tsp Sea Salt
STREUSEL TOPPING:
1/2 C Unsalted Butter (or a butter sub)
1 C Firmly packed light brown sugar
1/4 tsp Sea Salt
1 C Organic Unbleached Flour (you can sub with other flours)
1/3 C Rolled Oats
* Melt butter over medium heat
* Remove from heat and add brown sugar and salt
* Add flour and oatmeal until incorporated - do not overwork
* Crumble the mixture evenly over APPLE FILLING (from above)
9x13 Pan: 350 for 50-60 mins
Enjoy!
Sweetest blessings!
xoxo
PS
"Amy Rated": a tasty and nutritional dish that is not complicated!!!
HARVEST APPLE CRISP
APPLE FILLING:(mix all together and set a side)
5 Granny Smith Apples: peeled, cored, and cut into 1 inch pieces
1/2 C Organic Sugar
2 T Fresh Lemon Juice
1 1/2 tsp Ground Cinnamon
1/2 tsp Ground Nutmeg, freshly grated
1/4 tsp Sea Salt
STREUSEL TOPPING:
1/2 C Unsalted Butter (or a butter sub)
1 C Firmly packed light brown sugar
1/4 tsp Sea Salt
1 C Organic Unbleached Flour (you can sub with other flours)
1/3 C Rolled Oats
* Melt butter over medium heat
* Remove from heat and add brown sugar and salt
* Add flour and oatmeal until incorporated - do not overwork
* Crumble the mixture evenly over APPLE FILLING (from above)
9x13 Pan: 350 for 50-60 mins
Enjoy!
Sweetest blessings!
xoxo
PS
"Amy Rated": a tasty and nutritional dish that is not complicated!!!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
My Desert
I am sitting in amazement right now - I just came out of a desert - I didn't know how long I would walk in it but I went because I felt called to go - For Months I was on my knees asking Him to close and open doors and yet learning to focus on obeying His calling each day - while learning not to spend to distract my real emotions - even though I felt uncomfortable and vulnerable. Many days I was 'thirsty' and my feet felt 'dirty'and I 'complained' from being in my desert - while learning the beauty of walking in a desert.
The walk was often lonely and beyond vulnerable at times - but I stayed. I stayed and learned to be - something I would often in the past busy myself with organizing to helping to shopping. I didn't let fear direct my decisions like I would have a year ago. The times I became afraid or felt out of control were the times I would call Ken at work or give my soul to God again on my knees.
Today God showed me why I had been walking in my desert...now it all makes sense... It was only walking through my desert was I able to finally come to my water that my soul has been thirsty for all along - and designed to embrace all along.
As I write - I see my sin of entitlement once again - I get this attitude that I need to understand everything right now and if not right now - then for sure tomorrow....and to think the children of Isreal were in a real desert for 40 years...that would make my walk in my desert until Sophie is 50 and Cole 48...gulp. So sorry dear Jesus when I got impatient with 10 months...
I will never forget my desert walk of 2009.
Next time I come upon a desert in my journey I will invite it with both hands up. I will be. I love how God moves my heart to question, moves my heart to search until He clearly shows me water where He wants to take my soul...
"Thank you dear Jesus. Thank you for being sovereign. Thank you for water but more importantly, thank you for deserts - no matter how long I walk in them"
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours
The walk was often lonely and beyond vulnerable at times - but I stayed. I stayed and learned to be - something I would often in the past busy myself with organizing to helping to shopping. I didn't let fear direct my decisions like I would have a year ago. The times I became afraid or felt out of control were the times I would call Ken at work or give my soul to God again on my knees.
Today God showed me why I had been walking in my desert...now it all makes sense... It was only walking through my desert was I able to finally come to my water that my soul has been thirsty for all along - and designed to embrace all along.
As I write - I see my sin of entitlement once again - I get this attitude that I need to understand everything right now and if not right now - then for sure tomorrow....and to think the children of Isreal were in a real desert for 40 years...that would make my walk in my desert until Sophie is 50 and Cole 48...gulp. So sorry dear Jesus when I got impatient with 10 months...
I will never forget my desert walk of 2009.
Next time I come upon a desert in my journey I will invite it with both hands up. I will be. I love how God moves my heart to question, moves my heart to search until He clearly shows me water where He wants to take my soul...
"Thank you dear Jesus. Thank you for being sovereign. Thank you for water but more importantly, thank you for deserts - no matter how long I walk in them"
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Exposing Worth
I want my voice to be a place of freedom, truth and hope. I want my voice to be a voice of kindness - starting with Sophie. It is easy for me to branch out and be a voice for this and that - and yet right now my calling is being a voice for Sophie in our home, teaching her how to use her voice.
When I let myself dig deeper - and take a deep breath - I know my tendency to branch outside my home and save thousands of girls - besides spending time with my own - is an issue of worth. That makes me realize I am calling God a liar - because I'm not believing his words when He tells me my worth is because of Him - nothing I do. NOTHING. PERIOD. I love how God tells me all of my goodness is as filthy rags -not excusing my actions to be a voice for a voiceless but sobering when I let myself believe I am worth nothing without the blood of Jesus covering me.
Looking back, it was hard on me to pull away from being on this board and that board in my community but when I found myself wanting to get acknowledged for what I was doing, and at the same time watching my dear daughter crave for that same energy - it was time for me to let go and acknowledge nothing I do adds worth to my soul.
Being abused - my soul has had to learn deeply I am more precious than jewels - period.My soul learned a lot of lies starting at the age of 3 - one being I was worth nothing because how could someone hurt me if my soul was worth anything? I started this journey of thinking I always had to look perfect, be doing this or that to be noticed... all lies. No new outfit, no new design, no new act of kindness, no new business was going to add worth to my beautiful soul.
I'm learning to take leaps of faith in understanding my worth is priceless all because of Jesus. I'm throw out lies as soon as they try to attack me; I replace thoughts of shame, condemnation, and doubt with the words of God; I soak myself in spending 'simple' time with my Redeemer...and I know it also has a lot to due with my friendship with Ken - experiencing first hand a passionate relationship while being vulnerable with all of my fears and dreams.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.
When I let myself dig deeper - and take a deep breath - I know my tendency to branch outside my home and save thousands of girls - besides spending time with my own - is an issue of worth. That makes me realize I am calling God a liar - because I'm not believing his words when He tells me my worth is because of Him - nothing I do. NOTHING. PERIOD. I love how God tells me all of my goodness is as filthy rags -not excusing my actions to be a voice for a voiceless but sobering when I let myself believe I am worth nothing without the blood of Jesus covering me.
Looking back, it was hard on me to pull away from being on this board and that board in my community but when I found myself wanting to get acknowledged for what I was doing, and at the same time watching my dear daughter crave for that same energy - it was time for me to let go and acknowledge nothing I do adds worth to my soul.
Being abused - my soul has had to learn deeply I am more precious than jewels - period.My soul learned a lot of lies starting at the age of 3 - one being I was worth nothing because how could someone hurt me if my soul was worth anything? I started this journey of thinking I always had to look perfect, be doing this or that to be noticed... all lies. No new outfit, no new design, no new act of kindness, no new business was going to add worth to my beautiful soul.
I'm learning to take leaps of faith in understanding my worth is priceless all because of Jesus. I'm throw out lies as soon as they try to attack me; I replace thoughts of shame, condemnation, and doubt with the words of God; I soak myself in spending 'simple' time with my Redeemer...and I know it also has a lot to due with my friendship with Ken - experiencing first hand a passionate relationship while being vulnerable with all of my fears and dreams.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thank You
Jesus...Thank you. I rest in you. I fly with you. You enable me to fly. Thank you seems so petty and yet that that is all that comes out. Let my actions and words be an unending thank you - no matter how significant or how petty - thank you for taking my cross so I don't carry it...thank you for letting my heart feel heavy when I do try to carry my cross...thank you for designing a path that understands healing....thank you for moments of vulnerability....otherwise I would never run back to you. Thank you, Jesus!
Sweet blessings!
Sweet blessings!
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Only God
I love my quiet time with God's truths. Last night this spoke deeply to me:
"NEVERTHELESS, I AM CONTINUALLY WITH YOU: YOU HOLD MY RIGHT HAND. YOU GUIDE ME WITH YOUR COUNSEL, AND AFTERWARD YOU WILL RECEIVE ME TO GLORY. WHOM HAVE I IN HEAVEN BUT YOU? AND THERE IS NOTHING ON EARTH THAT I DESIRE BESIDES YOU"
PSALM 73: 24-25
The past month God keeps hitting my soul - "Amy, where is your comfort? Amy, what is safety for you? Amy, what does protection look like for you? Amy, who and what are you trusting to fulfill your soul? Amy, where do you go for truth? Amy, who do you talk to for truth? LET ME BE ALL OF THAT AND MORE FOR YOU. TRUST. LET GO. FLY....even during times of doubt and heartache...This earth is broken, you are broken but I AM COMPLETE and BEYOND COMPLETE"
And I LOVE how God knows the desires of my heart better than I do for myself! So the times I find my self chasing morale dead end desires, I'm learning to stop in my tracks and BE - and Let God fulfill my empty heart at the time and wait for him to fulfill me.
Hard. Patient. Boring...until God kindly shows His handprint in my life fulfilling me in ways unimageable. Right now I am waiting on God to show Ken and I direction...but I know God will follow through as He ALWAYS has.
I know God is tryng to show me dramatically, all of my pictures of comfort, safety and protection are actually far from His design for me. And the more I try to play middle ground with God, the less I leave room for His truth in my life.
Sweetest blessings.
"NEVERTHELESS, I AM CONTINUALLY WITH YOU: YOU HOLD MY RIGHT HAND. YOU GUIDE ME WITH YOUR COUNSEL, AND AFTERWARD YOU WILL RECEIVE ME TO GLORY. WHOM HAVE I IN HEAVEN BUT YOU? AND THERE IS NOTHING ON EARTH THAT I DESIRE BESIDES YOU"
PSALM 73: 24-25
The past month God keeps hitting my soul - "Amy, where is your comfort? Amy, what is safety for you? Amy, what does protection look like for you? Amy, who and what are you trusting to fulfill your soul? Amy, where do you go for truth? Amy, who do you talk to for truth? LET ME BE ALL OF THAT AND MORE FOR YOU. TRUST. LET GO. FLY....even during times of doubt and heartache...This earth is broken, you are broken but I AM COMPLETE and BEYOND COMPLETE"
And I LOVE how God knows the desires of my heart better than I do for myself! So the times I find my self chasing morale dead end desires, I'm learning to stop in my tracks and BE - and Let God fulfill my empty heart at the time and wait for him to fulfill me.
Hard. Patient. Boring...until God kindly shows His handprint in my life fulfilling me in ways unimageable. Right now I am waiting on God to show Ken and I direction...but I know God will follow through as He ALWAYS has.
I know God is tryng to show me dramatically, all of my pictures of comfort, safety and protection are actually far from His design for me. And the more I try to play middle ground with God, the less I leave room for His truth in my life.
Sweetest blessings.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Jeremiah 29:11
I had this verse in my bedroom growing up on this adorable plague. Years later and being aware of my abuse, these words of truth are more precious than ever. They are not only words but the source of my freedom.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. JEREMIAH 29:11
At times, God's plans for my life have not felt hopeful but God is bigger than those moments of doubt. I have come to realize the times I don't see God working, or I am going through difficult times, God is working for His glory just as much as during the times I see his majestic hand print. God is in all details and nothing takes him by surprise. That you God for truly being Alpha and Omega!
Sweet blessings and praising God's name for giving me leaps of healing - from just a few years ago learning to take baby steps.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. JEREMIAH 29:11
At times, God's plans for my life have not felt hopeful but God is bigger than those moments of doubt. I have come to realize the times I don't see God working, or I am going through difficult times, God is working for His glory just as much as during the times I see his majestic hand print. God is in all details and nothing takes him by surprise. That you God for truly being Alpha and Omega!
Sweet blessings and praising God's name for giving me leaps of healing - from just a few years ago learning to take baby steps.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Strawberry Crepes
This past week, I had 5 breakfasts with my grandma - each time with strawberry crepes.
Growing up down the street from my grandmother, it was not uncommon for my sisters and I to walk down to her house and have her homemade crepes for brunch. And with strawberries, real maple syrup and brown sugar in them, breakfast and life never felt sweeter!
Fast forward to present day -
My grandmother has a brain tumor. I'm not sure how many times I will have the chance to have crepes with her. Knowing my time was limited with her in Michigan, and knowing she doesn't have much energy (in spite of her doing physical therapy and smiling like she has 20 years to live), I tried to think of something special I could bring to her...crepes came to mind and I know it was my turn to "make" them.
Each morning at 9:00am I would leave my parents home, drive to pick up her favorite mocha cappuccino and strawberry crepes. By the 3rd morning, it was starting to feel like a precious routine. By the 5th morning, I knew it was my last.
Driving to my grandmothers the last morning, the day before I flew back home, tears started and I got a knot in my stomach...How do I smile at my grandma as I sit and know this may be the last time I see her or if I do see her again, her hair will have fallen out...
And as quickly as tears came to my eyes, driving down the road to her picturesque setting nestled between some trees, I felt freedom.
Freedom unlike any other before.
My freedom in bringing breakfast to her each morning, was the fact I had worked through so many emotions with my abuse (although my abuse never had to do anything with her). I knew if I had stayed in my bondage, I never would have the emotional capacity to be a support to her like I was. Simply because in bondage, it takes all strength to stay alive each day and the idea of reaching out doesn't exist. Anger consumes and clouds all thought and emotions. I was in that cycle for 3 years - having times of freedom but a clouded cycle.
I was watching myself do things for my grandma that came from strength that I use to devote to anger and hurt.
I was so happy for my "seen" freedom to fighting tears talking with Grandma - I didn't know what to feel at times at that last breakfast with my Grandma Lorene.
God showed me once again, life is to short to not to enjoy simple moments in life like sharing strawberry crepes with my grandmother. And yet, with out the persistence of fighting all walls of abuse, I have no doubt I would have robbed myself of the most precious 5 breakfasts of my life.
Fight to break down walls - no matter how painful it feels because the time in ones life when 5 breakfasts comes along - is mostly likely during a time least expected. It was for me. A week before I flew up to see my family, I was at the lake with my precious darling. I was never expecting to get a call my vibrant healthy grandma had a brain tumor.
I believe in healing and I believe in prayer. Even though reality is telling me I won't have a 6th breakfast eating strawberry crepes with my grandma, I'm planning on it - whether it is here or in years when both of us are in forever freedom.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.
PS
I love you Grandma. And If I could, I would bring crepes for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
xoxo
Growing up down the street from my grandmother, it was not uncommon for my sisters and I to walk down to her house and have her homemade crepes for brunch. And with strawberries, real maple syrup and brown sugar in them, breakfast and life never felt sweeter!
Fast forward to present day -
My grandmother has a brain tumor. I'm not sure how many times I will have the chance to have crepes with her. Knowing my time was limited with her in Michigan, and knowing she doesn't have much energy (in spite of her doing physical therapy and smiling like she has 20 years to live), I tried to think of something special I could bring to her...crepes came to mind and I know it was my turn to "make" them.
Each morning at 9:00am I would leave my parents home, drive to pick up her favorite mocha cappuccino and strawberry crepes. By the 3rd morning, it was starting to feel like a precious routine. By the 5th morning, I knew it was my last.
Driving to my grandmothers the last morning, the day before I flew back home, tears started and I got a knot in my stomach...How do I smile at my grandma as I sit and know this may be the last time I see her or if I do see her again, her hair will have fallen out...
And as quickly as tears came to my eyes, driving down the road to her picturesque setting nestled between some trees, I felt freedom.
Freedom unlike any other before.
My freedom in bringing breakfast to her each morning, was the fact I had worked through so many emotions with my abuse (although my abuse never had to do anything with her). I knew if I had stayed in my bondage, I never would have the emotional capacity to be a support to her like I was. Simply because in bondage, it takes all strength to stay alive each day and the idea of reaching out doesn't exist. Anger consumes and clouds all thought and emotions. I was in that cycle for 3 years - having times of freedom but a clouded cycle.
I was watching myself do things for my grandma that came from strength that I use to devote to anger and hurt.
I was so happy for my "seen" freedom to fighting tears talking with Grandma - I didn't know what to feel at times at that last breakfast with my Grandma Lorene.
God showed me once again, life is to short to not to enjoy simple moments in life like sharing strawberry crepes with my grandmother. And yet, with out the persistence of fighting all walls of abuse, I have no doubt I would have robbed myself of the most precious 5 breakfasts of my life.
Fight to break down walls - no matter how painful it feels because the time in ones life when 5 breakfasts comes along - is mostly likely during a time least expected. It was for me. A week before I flew up to see my family, I was at the lake with my precious darling. I was never expecting to get a call my vibrant healthy grandma had a brain tumor.
I believe in healing and I believe in prayer. Even though reality is telling me I won't have a 6th breakfast eating strawberry crepes with my grandma, I'm planning on it - whether it is here or in years when both of us are in forever freedom.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.
PS
I love you Grandma. And If I could, I would bring crepes for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
xoxo
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Exposing "Trust"
I have thought for weeks about exposing this topic...do I or not...but after I think about the hundreds of conversations I have had with vibrant beautiful women, it would be wrong to stay silent. This topic is as close to understanding freedom from abuse as peeling layers of anger a way from abuse.
Sex.
I can't tell you how many ladies - and men - I have talked to ...
I was abused, I was molested, I was...
I've been married 5, 10, 15, 20 years
I am involved with this and that,
I volunteer for this,
I am president of that...
I have no sex life...
I have had an affair(s)...I can't even bring myself to shed light...I am so shameful...
Uncomfortable. Shameful. Bitter. Anger. Controlling.
I can't help but expose some darkness on this unsaid shame. If shame got the best of me I know what my world would look like:
I would have a co-existing relationship with Ken but appear to be perfect to the rest of the world. I would be a dead man walking through motherhood. Ken would be a dead man walking executive, living in suburbia America going to church each Sunday.In other words miserably controlling looking superficially happy. I have no doubt I would be drawn to men to protect me, and ken would be drawn to be pursued. It is in us. It is in our core to be protected and pursued and when we are not, we are drawn to other places.
My dearest ken is beyond the picture of protection for me.
It's one thing to be hurt, crushed, bruised, isolated but to let that pain have control over life today is worse than any crime committed to the soul. Withholding intimacy from a soul mate is the ultimate form of control. It is reversing what happen when one was abused - instead of being controlled one is controlling. But life does not need to stay in that box. Lack of intimacy with a soul mates has nothing to with sex but really trust (and I realize some soul mates are far from trustworthy).
Take another layer off...and it is fear in one way or form...fear of relived memories...fear of rejection...fear of pain...
In my journey there was only one road out of that trap and learning to trust Ken. Become vulnerable & be vulnerable with all fears...even if that meant in baby steps and my darling holding me on the sofa at times. And as always, there was never room for shame in learning to take baby steps.
Until I understood emotional freedom and trust with Ken, I took a sabbatical from life. At times I had to work - and still work at anger issues. At times, I had to work at body issues, in spite of Ken never putting lies in my head but working through my lies. At times, it was out right shame and tears from my past that had to come out - and still do at times. And at times, it was trust issues from other relationships that destroyed trust. I had to branch out and determine if I was going to stay skeptical with Ken or learn to trust with holding nothing back - knowing there would be times of disappointment and new hurt.
I had to learn to let Ken walk with me, to learn to trust him.
Today, sharing trust with ken is this; Standing tall (with all fears and scars), purposefully living with him all the while vulnerably loving him like I have never been hurt. And the days I don't feel like that - I go after any wall that dare comes between that ideal and my present reality. I expose my walls to ken everyday.
Stand tall - for yourself and for your soul mate - and at that point you can't help but expose trust to each other.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours and to every soul discovering the beauty of trust.
Sex.
I can't tell you how many ladies - and men - I have talked to ...
I was abused, I was molested, I was...
I've been married 5, 10, 15, 20 years
I am involved with this and that,
I volunteer for this,
I am president of that...
I have no sex life...
I have had an affair(s)...I can't even bring myself to shed light...I am so shameful...
Uncomfortable. Shameful. Bitter. Anger. Controlling.
I can't help but expose some darkness on this unsaid shame. If shame got the best of me I know what my world would look like:
I would have a co-existing relationship with Ken but appear to be perfect to the rest of the world. I would be a dead man walking through motherhood. Ken would be a dead man walking executive, living in suburbia America going to church each Sunday.In other words miserably controlling looking superficially happy. I have no doubt I would be drawn to men to protect me, and ken would be drawn to be pursued. It is in us. It is in our core to be protected and pursued and when we are not, we are drawn to other places.
My dearest ken is beyond the picture of protection for me.
It's one thing to be hurt, crushed, bruised, isolated but to let that pain have control over life today is worse than any crime committed to the soul. Withholding intimacy from a soul mate is the ultimate form of control. It is reversing what happen when one was abused - instead of being controlled one is controlling. But life does not need to stay in that box. Lack of intimacy with a soul mates has nothing to with sex but really trust (and I realize some soul mates are far from trustworthy).
Take another layer off...and it is fear in one way or form...fear of relived memories...fear of rejection...fear of pain...
In my journey there was only one road out of that trap and learning to trust Ken. Become vulnerable & be vulnerable with all fears...even if that meant in baby steps and my darling holding me on the sofa at times. And as always, there was never room for shame in learning to take baby steps.
Until I understood emotional freedom and trust with Ken, I took a sabbatical from life. At times I had to work - and still work at anger issues. At times, I had to work at body issues, in spite of Ken never putting lies in my head but working through my lies. At times, it was out right shame and tears from my past that had to come out - and still do at times. And at times, it was trust issues from other relationships that destroyed trust. I had to branch out and determine if I was going to stay skeptical with Ken or learn to trust with holding nothing back - knowing there would be times of disappointment and new hurt.
I had to learn to let Ken walk with me, to learn to trust him.
Today, sharing trust with ken is this; Standing tall (with all fears and scars), purposefully living with him all the while vulnerably loving him like I have never been hurt. And the days I don't feel like that - I go after any wall that dare comes between that ideal and my present reality. I expose my walls to ken everyday.
Stand tall - for yourself and for your soul mate - and at that point you can't help but expose trust to each other.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours and to every soul discovering the beauty of trust.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
I Say
I say I want to be brave in life...I say I want no regrets in life...I want to live and love like I have never been hurt
I say I am a follower of Jesus, I trust in Jesus and pray to Jesus ...and yet I find myself being a follower of comfort, trusting in comfort and secretly asking Jesus to make me comfortable in life and asking Jesus when will my grief go a way, and guarding my heart with love and extending life...
I say I want to make a difference in my children's lives, and make a difference in orphans lives...but God...all under my idea's and ways please.
I say I want healing, I say I am free, and I say forgive...but I find myself wanting to forever forget about my abuse, create distance, and wonder how many more times my knees will bend to plead with Jesus to take my grieving a way.
But maybe I have this all upside down.
Maybe I need to say, thank you Jesus for letting suffering be a part of my journey...my suffering allows me to see how ugly my sin is for Jesus to forgive me, and the gift of mercy He gives me daily...
Maybe I need to say, thank you Jesus for drawing my heart to orphans, no matter how much I give up of my time and ideals, to let others learn to hear their voice for the first time.
Maybe I need to say, than you Jesus for showing me one hour at a time, my hours are full when I open my heart 110% - no matter what happens on how it is received or how vulnerable I feel. My security is in Jesus - nothing or nobody else...(how freeing to say that!)
And maybe I need to say this above all else:
BE BRAVE - no matter how lonely it feels - for the glory of God - for the ONE whose sovereignty saves my soul everyday.
Sweet blessings!!
I say I am a follower of Jesus, I trust in Jesus and pray to Jesus ...and yet I find myself being a follower of comfort, trusting in comfort and secretly asking Jesus to make me comfortable in life and asking Jesus when will my grief go a way, and guarding my heart with love and extending life...
I say I want to make a difference in my children's lives, and make a difference in orphans lives...but God...all under my idea's and ways please.
I say I want healing, I say I am free, and I say forgive...but I find myself wanting to forever forget about my abuse, create distance, and wonder how many more times my knees will bend to plead with Jesus to take my grieving a way.
But maybe I have this all upside down.
Maybe I need to say, thank you Jesus for letting suffering be a part of my journey...my suffering allows me to see how ugly my sin is for Jesus to forgive me, and the gift of mercy He gives me daily...
Maybe I need to say, thank you Jesus for drawing my heart to orphans, no matter how much I give up of my time and ideals, to let others learn to hear their voice for the first time.
Maybe I need to say, than you Jesus for showing me one hour at a time, my hours are full when I open my heart 110% - no matter what happens on how it is received or how vulnerable I feel. My security is in Jesus - nothing or nobody else...(how freeing to say that!)
And maybe I need to say this above all else:
BE BRAVE - no matter how lonely it feels - for the glory of God - for the ONE whose sovereignty saves my soul everyday.
Sweet blessings!!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Sophie's Sunshine
I can't help this week but write about our dear sunshine -
Sophie Claire Amy!!!
I am a mom of a 10 year now!!! And I love it!!!
I know this blog is not about day to day family life but when I think of the journey I have been on throwing layers of pain away, Sophie has been a significant part of my healing in ways people will never realize.
"Because of you, Sophie...I...
1. Know God's timing is perfect
2. Love to the point I cry
3. Fight to shed layers of shame
4. Embrace quality not quantity
5. Eat birthday cake for breakfast
6. Gifts are precious to give and get
7. Trust is a gift earned
8. Eagerly pursue passions
9. Worship God outside of a box
10.Courageously advocate for the voiceless but first advocate for my children
and
...Anyone can be a mother, but to be a mom is a calling that surpasses all other callings
I love you, am proud of you, and believe in you - always.
Shine Bright for Jesus - as you have from day one.
And only for you - xoxoxoxoxo
Sweet blessings to all "Moms" who embrace their gifts from above!!
"DEAR LORD,
MAY SOPHIE GROW TO BE CONFIDENT IN HER PASSIONS, AND SHAMELESSLY COURAGEOUS. MAY SOPHIE ONLY REST IN YOUR GOODNESS NOT THE IDOL OF COMFORT. MAY SHE BE HEALTHY, AN INDEPENDENT ADULT CARING AND REACHING OUT TO OTHERS. AND MAY SHE ALWAYS KEEP HER SPIRIT ALIVE FOR YOU.
AND PLEASE REMIND ME YOU DON'T HAVE GRANDCHILDREN.
GIVE ME PEACE AND FREEDOM AND AS TIME MARCHES ON HELP ME LET GO, FOR YOUR GLORY."
Sophie Claire Amy!!!
I am a mom of a 10 year now!!! And I love it!!!
I know this blog is not about day to day family life but when I think of the journey I have been on throwing layers of pain away, Sophie has been a significant part of my healing in ways people will never realize.
"Because of you, Sophie...I...
1. Know God's timing is perfect
2. Love to the point I cry
3. Fight to shed layers of shame
4. Embrace quality not quantity
5. Eat birthday cake for breakfast
6. Gifts are precious to give and get
7. Trust is a gift earned
8. Eagerly pursue passions
9. Worship God outside of a box
10.Courageously advocate for the voiceless but first advocate for my children
and
...Anyone can be a mother, but to be a mom is a calling that surpasses all other callings
I love you, am proud of you, and believe in you - always.
Shine Bright for Jesus - as you have from day one.
And only for you - xoxoxoxoxo
Sweet blessings to all "Moms" who embrace their gifts from above!!
"DEAR LORD,
MAY SOPHIE GROW TO BE CONFIDENT IN HER PASSIONS, AND SHAMELESSLY COURAGEOUS. MAY SOPHIE ONLY REST IN YOUR GOODNESS NOT THE IDOL OF COMFORT. MAY SHE BE HEALTHY, AN INDEPENDENT ADULT CARING AND REACHING OUT TO OTHERS. AND MAY SHE ALWAYS KEEP HER SPIRIT ALIVE FOR YOU.
AND PLEASE REMIND ME YOU DON'T HAVE GRANDCHILDREN.
GIVE ME PEACE AND FREEDOM AND AS TIME MARCHES ON HELP ME LET GO, FOR YOUR GLORY."
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Suffering Power
Sometimes I hang onto pain because it is a source of power and control for me; particularly if other areas feel "out of control" like moving or home schooling.
As soon as I tell someone I was abused - I instantly have their attention and sympathy. Isn't that what I want - people crave - people around me to give me attention and empathy in my journey?
And in todays culture, regardless of our background, we are masters at creating labels and disorders and needs. There is a name for anything out there today - we are kings and queens of becoming victims and justifying this and that. I smile because at the end of the day, we all have needs and disorders and all come from dysfunctional families in one way or form.
I know my suffering is Gods to own not mine to keep. That sounds all beautiful and nice but in my heart that feels so vulnerable still. Its like a bad boyfriend keeping my pain...isn't nice, treats me like dirt but sometimes having dirt feels better than having nothing at all...that is where I am at...keeping my pain feels more comfortable - safe - than carrying nothing at all.
I can't tell you how often I fight this battle.
Perhaps this is my biggest battle in my journey today.
Keep my pain or keep releasing it back to Jesus (often when I release it I take it back and tuck under my arms)
So I write today to encourage myself to stop carrying my pain because Jesus already carried ALL of it 2000 years ago on "my" cross. To many times I don't associate my pain and the cross because the cross resembles God taking my sin. However, I'm at the point in my walk that I need to recognize my suffering as sin - when I carry my suffering I become selfish, anxious, angry and impatient. And if that isn't sin, I don't know what is.
I plead with God as I write this to show me trusting him is the greatest gift I can give him as an act of worship - as he carries my suffering and grieving - not me.
2 Corithians 12:7-10
...So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then,I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours today.
As soon as I tell someone I was abused - I instantly have their attention and sympathy. Isn't that what I want - people crave - people around me to give me attention and empathy in my journey?
And in todays culture, regardless of our background, we are masters at creating labels and disorders and needs. There is a name for anything out there today - we are kings and queens of becoming victims and justifying this and that. I smile because at the end of the day, we all have needs and disorders and all come from dysfunctional families in one way or form.
I know my suffering is Gods to own not mine to keep. That sounds all beautiful and nice but in my heart that feels so vulnerable still. Its like a bad boyfriend keeping my pain...isn't nice, treats me like dirt but sometimes having dirt feels better than having nothing at all...that is where I am at...keeping my pain feels more comfortable - safe - than carrying nothing at all.
I can't tell you how often I fight this battle.
Perhaps this is my biggest battle in my journey today.
Keep my pain or keep releasing it back to Jesus (often when I release it I take it back and tuck under my arms)
So I write today to encourage myself to stop carrying my pain because Jesus already carried ALL of it 2000 years ago on "my" cross. To many times I don't associate my pain and the cross because the cross resembles God taking my sin. However, I'm at the point in my walk that I need to recognize my suffering as sin - when I carry my suffering I become selfish, anxious, angry and impatient. And if that isn't sin, I don't know what is.
I plead with God as I write this to show me trusting him is the greatest gift I can give him as an act of worship - as he carries my suffering and grieving - not me.
2 Corithians 12:7-10
...So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then,I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours today.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Surrendered Soul
My heart feels torn tonight in spite of feeling more free than ever on the eve of my birthday...
Both of my angels are fighting viruses, I just found out my husband has to serve on jury duty on our anniversary - in a few weeks! - and as I had full intentions how I wanted to spend my birthday tomorrow, I'm quickly learning my day is meant to spent in other ways...and celebrating my birthday will have to take place this weekend!! When it comes to my birthday, I am all about celebrating me and making no apologizes about it!!!
I look back over my year and realize it is my journey of surrendering my soul - over, and over, and over, to my Creator - in big and right now small things. Why do I keep fighting my will? Haven't I realized by now to keep my soul surrendered all of the time gives me joy like no other - even when circumstances on the outside might suggest otherwise?
This coming year I want nothing more than to let God be my pilot and stop trying to co-pilot my life with Him.
This is in no means suggesting I take a laid back unintentional approach to life. I am the first that likes to go over my vision and values...but after I lay it all out that is when I look to my Redeemer and say - Guide my steps....so at the end of the day my joy does not come from accomplishing my goals but comes from ultimately staying completely surrendered for the glory of God and being a voice for the voiceless - regardless what that entitles me to take up daily.
I think of the book: “The Joy of Full Surrender” by Jean-Pierre de Caussade.
These words are beautiful.
“One who knows the king in disguise treats him very differently from another who, judging by appearances alone, fails to recognize his royalty and treats him as a commoner. In the same way the soul that recognizes the will of God in even the smallest circumstances, even in those that are most distressing and fatal, receives them all with equal joy, pleasure, and respect. That soul throws open all its doors to receive with honor what others fear and fly from in horror….To adore Jesus on the mount of Transfiguraton, to love the will of God in extraordinary things, does not show as much faith as loving the will of God in ordinary things and adoring Jesus on the cross. For faith cannot be said to be real, living faith, until it is tested and has triumphed over everything that would destroy it….To consider God equally good in the most petty and ordinary events as in great and unusual ones is to have a faith that is not ordinary, but is itself great and extraordinary.
... Faith, showing us things as they are, transforms their ugliness into beauty and their malice into goodness. Faith is the mother of gentleness, confidence, and joy. It cannot help feeling tenderness and compassion for its enemies, by whose means it is so immeasurably enriched. While the human instrument seeks to injure us, the divine Workman does his work, making use of its very malice to remove from the soul all that is injurious to it. The will of God is nothing but sweetness, grace, and treasures to the surrendered soul.
As I close, I leave with this:
Embrace the journey. Stand tall. And treat the hours that are given as a gift...perhaps that is what my soul longs for at 32...Gifts are not material possessions but gifts are the moments given to me each day, a smile exchanged with a stranger, being a voice for the voiceless, and having a surrendered heart hourly.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours! Life is Precious!!
Both of my angels are fighting viruses, I just found out my husband has to serve on jury duty on our anniversary - in a few weeks! - and as I had full intentions how I wanted to spend my birthday tomorrow, I'm quickly learning my day is meant to spent in other ways...and celebrating my birthday will have to take place this weekend!! When it comes to my birthday, I am all about celebrating me and making no apologizes about it!!!
I look back over my year and realize it is my journey of surrendering my soul - over, and over, and over, to my Creator - in big and right now small things. Why do I keep fighting my will? Haven't I realized by now to keep my soul surrendered all of the time gives me joy like no other - even when circumstances on the outside might suggest otherwise?
This coming year I want nothing more than to let God be my pilot and stop trying to co-pilot my life with Him.
This is in no means suggesting I take a laid back unintentional approach to life. I am the first that likes to go over my vision and values...but after I lay it all out that is when I look to my Redeemer and say - Guide my steps....so at the end of the day my joy does not come from accomplishing my goals but comes from ultimately staying completely surrendered for the glory of God and being a voice for the voiceless - regardless what that entitles me to take up daily.
I think of the book: “The Joy of Full Surrender” by Jean-Pierre de Caussade.
These words are beautiful.
“One who knows the king in disguise treats him very differently from another who, judging by appearances alone, fails to recognize his royalty and treats him as a commoner. In the same way the soul that recognizes the will of God in even the smallest circumstances, even in those that are most distressing and fatal, receives them all with equal joy, pleasure, and respect. That soul throws open all its doors to receive with honor what others fear and fly from in horror….To adore Jesus on the mount of Transfiguraton, to love the will of God in extraordinary things, does not show as much faith as loving the will of God in ordinary things and adoring Jesus on the cross. For faith cannot be said to be real, living faith, until it is tested and has triumphed over everything that would destroy it….To consider God equally good in the most petty and ordinary events as in great and unusual ones is to have a faith that is not ordinary, but is itself great and extraordinary.
... Faith, showing us things as they are, transforms their ugliness into beauty and their malice into goodness. Faith is the mother of gentleness, confidence, and joy. It cannot help feeling tenderness and compassion for its enemies, by whose means it is so immeasurably enriched. While the human instrument seeks to injure us, the divine Workman does his work, making use of its very malice to remove from the soul all that is injurious to it. The will of God is nothing but sweetness, grace, and treasures to the surrendered soul.
As I close, I leave with this:
Embrace the journey. Stand tall. And treat the hours that are given as a gift...perhaps that is what my soul longs for at 32...Gifts are not material possessions but gifts are the moments given to me each day, a smile exchanged with a stranger, being a voice for the voiceless, and having a surrendered heart hourly.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours! Life is Precious!!
Friday, July 31, 2009
Arms High!
After I got married I didn't know when I wanted to have kids - in spite of not being aware of my absue until I was 28 years old. All I knew was the fear of bringing a child into the world because deep down I never wanted to let a child down and the best option I thought at the time was to keep life 'safe' for Ken and I. After a few years, we had Sophie and that was the bginning of God showing me the beauty of letting go...And God showing me the picture of freedom and vulnerability is a MILLION times bigger than a 'safe' and fear life - which ultimately only brings more bondage and fear into my life.
So now when I come upon something I sense is fear driven and sense a bigger vulnerability and calling from God...bringing orphans into our home, spending more of my time sharing freedom with souls - and less time on 'perfecting' myself, throwing myself into motherhood - knowing in 9 years my daughter will be leaving our home and entering her own journey with God (God doesn't have grandchildren)- that all feels out of control and not a lot of ducks in a row each day - but having buckets of priceless joy.
Sometimes I have to push myself out of my cocoon (sometimes eyes opened other times eyes shut), stop analyzing everything to make sure its 'safe' - and I put my arms up in the air and breathe.......and say embrace the gifts that come along my journey, walk confidently because no path is ever on detour, treat circumstances that feel like thorns and recognize with a thorn is a bigger rose, remind myself God carries my pain, and let my heart accept a priceless freedom that anyone would say is from the same Creator who controls the height of the waves, the speed of the wind and opens up the lilies each day... Sometimes that all sounds and seems to simple and GOOD - but that is it - it is...and my arms are raised high.
Sweet blessings from my hearts to yours!
So now when I come upon something I sense is fear driven and sense a bigger vulnerability and calling from God...bringing orphans into our home, spending more of my time sharing freedom with souls - and less time on 'perfecting' myself, throwing myself into motherhood - knowing in 9 years my daughter will be leaving our home and entering her own journey with God (God doesn't have grandchildren)- that all feels out of control and not a lot of ducks in a row each day - but having buckets of priceless joy.
Sometimes I have to push myself out of my cocoon (sometimes eyes opened other times eyes shut), stop analyzing everything to make sure its 'safe' - and I put my arms up in the air and breathe.......and say embrace the gifts that come along my journey, walk confidently because no path is ever on detour, treat circumstances that feel like thorns and recognize with a thorn is a bigger rose, remind myself God carries my pain, and let my heart accept a priceless freedom that anyone would say is from the same Creator who controls the height of the waves, the speed of the wind and opens up the lilies each day... Sometimes that all sounds and seems to simple and GOOD - but that is it - it is...and my arms are raised high.
Sweet blessings from my hearts to yours!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
A Year
This time of year makes me think about so much...one because my birthday is coming up and secondly because its getting close to school time...
This past week it hit how differently I am than last year at this time...at this time last year Cole was signed up for a sport, Sophie ballet, both enrolled in a private school, part of a discipleship group, had no problem snapping at my kids or ken - and sweet to everyone else, felt 'safe' as I served on a board for abused women, consumed with how soon can I go shopping, when will my cleaning lady come to clean my house and the list goes on...
And yet this is my week to date:
Neither Sophie or Cole are signed up for extra curricular activties; I don't snap at my husband and kids (yes - there are still days) from passive anger; Resigned from my board because I can be a voice for the voiceless with my 2 children and husband; Participating in home schooling; Somehow can't pay my cleaning lady because 400.00 goes a long ways to help orphans who have no freedom; Had conversations with people that are typically written off in our society; I am consumed with writing my book and seeing how our family can share freedom with ladies who are bound in emotional baggage from ugly abuse; And somehow the desire to get the latest and greatest for myself - and even for my children - is become lesser and lesser...
This may all sound like 'no big deal' but for me - those are nothing short of mountains being moved in my journey so I taste freedom...and now share freedom with orphans and widows...
I think of the past year and how God has been more than gracious as he continues to hold me in His palm - including the days I still have "temper tantrums" - and can only imagine what a year from now will look like...
And I end with this...to the brave beautiful souls who are taking baby steps of exposing darkness let my little testimony of how drastically my july in 2009 compared to july 2009 is be a glimpse of hope for you in your journey.
Stop trying to move mountains on your own.
Stop trying to gain God's favor
Stop trying to play peace maker in your life
Stop trying to look at the Bible as a self-help book
Stop trying to forget your abuse and embrace God carrying your pain
God didn't send Jesus for peace but for freedom...and sometimes that road to freedom is lonely, costly to relationships and more than vulnerable at times...but worth every step and more.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours...My heart is with you each step.
This past week it hit how differently I am than last year at this time...at this time last year Cole was signed up for a sport, Sophie ballet, both enrolled in a private school, part of a discipleship group, had no problem snapping at my kids or ken - and sweet to everyone else, felt 'safe' as I served on a board for abused women, consumed with how soon can I go shopping, when will my cleaning lady come to clean my house and the list goes on...
And yet this is my week to date:
Neither Sophie or Cole are signed up for extra curricular activties; I don't snap at my husband and kids (yes - there are still days) from passive anger; Resigned from my board because I can be a voice for the voiceless with my 2 children and husband; Participating in home schooling; Somehow can't pay my cleaning lady because 400.00 goes a long ways to help orphans who have no freedom; Had conversations with people that are typically written off in our society; I am consumed with writing my book and seeing how our family can share freedom with ladies who are bound in emotional baggage from ugly abuse; And somehow the desire to get the latest and greatest for myself - and even for my children - is become lesser and lesser...
This may all sound like 'no big deal' but for me - those are nothing short of mountains being moved in my journey so I taste freedom...and now share freedom with orphans and widows...
I think of the past year and how God has been more than gracious as he continues to hold me in His palm - including the days I still have "temper tantrums" - and can only imagine what a year from now will look like...
And I end with this...to the brave beautiful souls who are taking baby steps of exposing darkness let my little testimony of how drastically my july in 2009 compared to july 2009 is be a glimpse of hope for you in your journey.
Stop trying to move mountains on your own.
Stop trying to gain God's favor
Stop trying to play peace maker in your life
Stop trying to look at the Bible as a self-help book
Stop trying to forget your abuse and embrace God carrying your pain
God didn't send Jesus for peace but for freedom...and sometimes that road to freedom is lonely, costly to relationships and more than vulnerable at times...but worth every step and more.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours...My heart is with you each step.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
3 books
3 books I hope Sophie & Cole read someday on their own:
1.The Search for Significance: Seeing your worth through God's eyes
*I love the JOURNAL that goes a long with this. It is a 60 day journal. Short, sweet, real...10-15 mins a day.
This journal had a quick way of getting to the core of my soul and challenging every truth/lie that settles in my soul, and challenging my actions and energies each day. It also had a way of exposing false layers of worth that I was hanging onto and didn't realize at the time.
If you are at any spot in your journey looking for emotional freedom, do the journal.
Right now I am doing the youth verson with my daughter every Tuesday night. This past year I led a small group but this summer I am realizing with home schooling my darlings, they are my 'small group' and for outreach - that is my passion - will be organic this fall...making cookies and taking it to the homeless...I want my kids to see they don't need to wait for a mission trip or a serivce weekend to reach beyond the walls of their homes.
2.Parenting with Love & Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility
Anyone with children younger than 12: Get the book. This book has wisdom beyond it years.
3.It Is Not Okay With Me.
Every soul needs to read this book. This book is the picture of living life to the fullest.
Be vulnerable & enjoy!!
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours.
1.The Search for Significance: Seeing your worth through God's eyes
*I love the JOURNAL that goes a long with this. It is a 60 day journal. Short, sweet, real...10-15 mins a day.
This journal had a quick way of getting to the core of my soul and challenging every truth/lie that settles in my soul, and challenging my actions and energies each day. It also had a way of exposing false layers of worth that I was hanging onto and didn't realize at the time.
If you are at any spot in your journey looking for emotional freedom, do the journal.
Right now I am doing the youth verson with my daughter every Tuesday night. This past year I led a small group but this summer I am realizing with home schooling my darlings, they are my 'small group' and for outreach - that is my passion - will be organic this fall...making cookies and taking it to the homeless...I want my kids to see they don't need to wait for a mission trip or a serivce weekend to reach beyond the walls of their homes.
2.Parenting with Love & Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility
Anyone with children younger than 12: Get the book. This book has wisdom beyond it years.
3.It Is Not Okay With Me.
Every soul needs to read this book. This book is the picture of living life to the fullest.
Be vulnerable & enjoy!!
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Grandpa's Verses
Some of my grandpa's favorite verses from the bible were Psalm 121 & Isaiah 41:10
May these words remind us that God is greater than any speed bump in life. And when suffering becomes a part of our day, God never stops orchestrating a plan to heal our souls and providing a path of freedom that is bigger than suffering.
Freedom is only understood when it breaks through chains. And the time that chains seem to strong to break, that is the beauty of God - He breaks our chains for us.
The precious times I have seen God miraculously break my chains and give me freedom beyond my comprehension - are the times I surrender all of my earthly ways for superficial freedom, acknowledge I can't break my chains, and trust God's words and ways - regardless of who is supporting me and regardless of what that road looks and feels like...
And that is what I love about my grandpa's verses...they remind me to stop co-piloting my life with God.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours!
PSALM 121
I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD is your keeper;
the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
The LORD will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.
ISAIAH 41:10
fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
May these words remind us that God is greater than any speed bump in life. And when suffering becomes a part of our day, God never stops orchestrating a plan to heal our souls and providing a path of freedom that is bigger than suffering.
Freedom is only understood when it breaks through chains. And the time that chains seem to strong to break, that is the beauty of God - He breaks our chains for us.
The precious times I have seen God miraculously break my chains and give me freedom beyond my comprehension - are the times I surrender all of my earthly ways for superficial freedom, acknowledge I can't break my chains, and trust God's words and ways - regardless of who is supporting me and regardless of what that road looks and feels like...
And that is what I love about my grandpa's verses...they remind me to stop co-piloting my life with God.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours!
PSALM 121
I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD is your keeper;
the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
The LORD will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.
ISAIAH 41:10
fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Grandpa's lessons
This morning my dear Grandpa, Willard, died and is now celebrating life with Jesus and his daughter that he lost 30 years ago. Sweet Grandma, I pray your day comes soon because I know you miss Mary and your sweetheart. I have no doubt as soon as you get to heaven with Grandpa, he will give you a big kiss and start to tell everyone how in love he is with you, and be holding your hand the whole time as he is telling your love story!
Dear Sweet Grandpa,
Thank you for showing me what life is about and teaching me priceless lessons in life...to greet each day with a kiss to your spouse and with God's Word; to always treat your spouse like a king and queen - no matter how old you are, to take time out to say I love you - no matter how many times; to hold your spouses hand every chance you get, to sit long enough on a sofa relaxing so you have time to hold someone on your lap; to share the love of God with anyone; to walk away from earthly success at a young age; to take care of whatever you have like it is the best and never leave a mess behind; to greet each soul with the mercy God gives us each day; to be confident in you who are not in what you do; to never apologize who you are or where you are from; dress like you have respect for yourself; walk with a mission, and to be excited about the day God gives you...Grandpa - If Sophie and Cole have your wisdom, zeal for God, life and their spouse, confidence, and integrity like you did, they will impact peoples lives in ways that are not measured but that are eternal...just like you did everyday you lived and still do...
I love you dearly and if I could, I would have breakfast with you one more time at Millies.
Forever proud of you,
Your Granddaughter.
Dear Sweet Grandpa,
Thank you for showing me what life is about and teaching me priceless lessons in life...to greet each day with a kiss to your spouse and with God's Word; to always treat your spouse like a king and queen - no matter how old you are, to take time out to say I love you - no matter how many times; to hold your spouses hand every chance you get, to sit long enough on a sofa relaxing so you have time to hold someone on your lap; to share the love of God with anyone; to walk away from earthly success at a young age; to take care of whatever you have like it is the best and never leave a mess behind; to greet each soul with the mercy God gives us each day; to be confident in you who are not in what you do; to never apologize who you are or where you are from; dress like you have respect for yourself; walk with a mission, and to be excited about the day God gives you...Grandpa - If Sophie and Cole have your wisdom, zeal for God, life and their spouse, confidence, and integrity like you did, they will impact peoples lives in ways that are not measured but that are eternal...just like you did everyday you lived and still do...
I love you dearly and if I could, I would have breakfast with you one more time at Millies.
Forever proud of you,
Your Granddaughter.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
My Prayer
"Dear Jesus, You are my Redeemer and Healer. You are the Creator of my soul...You know my heart and desires better than me and help me to remember that as I start each day. I trust You as my Creator to consume my soul with Your joys and truth...and not lies that have half truth.
Give me eyes and ears of compassion as you give me breath each day to live. Let me embrace the moments you give me to live, to act upon them with mercy, wisdom and discernment, all for the glory of Your Kingdom and to bless my children as I spend hours with them each day.
Thank you for being bigger than my cross...a cross I will never be able to comprehend how heavy it is because of your divine love for me.
I praise you for being my King, my Prophet and my Priest.
In Jesus Holy Name, Amen"
Give me eyes and ears of compassion as you give me breath each day to live. Let me embrace the moments you give me to live, to act upon them with mercy, wisdom and discernment, all for the glory of Your Kingdom and to bless my children as I spend hours with them each day.
Thank you for being bigger than my cross...a cross I will never be able to comprehend how heavy it is because of your divine love for me.
I praise you for being my King, my Prophet and my Priest.
In Jesus Holy Name, Amen"
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Revoluntionary Road
Last night Ken and I watched the movie, Revolutionary Road. Powerful movie. Any women or man looking for the next house, job, child, bible study, or thing to run to for worth and fulfillment - watch the movie. The movie shows what happens when 2 souls stop pursuing each other and pursue something else(including children)...ultimately they choose disaster for themselves and an empty pit to land in.
The movie makes me think of an article Ken recently gave me by Tim Keller, "Hell"
In short, Tim Keller states we choose hell each day when we choose to serve ourselves and not others...and when we choose ourselves we ultimately create a living hell because we are never going to be satisfied and eventually become so self absorbed we kill our souls. His article could have been read on the movie.
Anyone who knows our family well, knows we are going through our own Revolutionary Road...Without knowing it at the time, but now able to see it, 10 years ago Ken and I were on the road looking for the next big house in a manicured suburb...Somehow God grabbed our hearts and let us watch other peoples hell burst so we didn't have to keep digging our empty hole.
I hope all of our Revolutionary Roads are roads of revival not dead end roads. It is natural for any marriage, regardless of beliefs, to turn into empty pits if 2 people are not intentional to keep a marriage on sweet fire.
Sweet blessings as I keep my road with Ken sweet each day and nothing less!
The movie makes me think of an article Ken recently gave me by Tim Keller, "Hell"
In short, Tim Keller states we choose hell each day when we choose to serve ourselves and not others...and when we choose ourselves we ultimately create a living hell because we are never going to be satisfied and eventually become so self absorbed we kill our souls. His article could have been read on the movie.
Anyone who knows our family well, knows we are going through our own Revolutionary Road...Without knowing it at the time, but now able to see it, 10 years ago Ken and I were on the road looking for the next big house in a manicured suburb...Somehow God grabbed our hearts and let us watch other peoples hell burst so we didn't have to keep digging our empty hole.
I hope all of our Revolutionary Roads are roads of revival not dead end roads. It is natural for any marriage, regardless of beliefs, to turn into empty pits if 2 people are not intentional to keep a marriage on sweet fire.
Sweet blessings as I keep my road with Ken sweet each day and nothing less!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Dream Today
This song speaks deeply to my heart. Hearing this song and yet seeing the life I am able to embrace today brings tears to my eyes and a smile to my face.
Sophie and Cole, don't ever stop dreaming.
Sweet blessings!
Sophie and Cole, don't ever stop dreaming.
Sweet blessings!
Worshipful Trust
When an individual is abused - in any form, mildly to severely - one of the gifts destroyed is trust, and understandably so. I find in my journey, just about the time I feel like I understand what it means to really trust, something comes up that shakes my core trust again - which tells me how often I am not trusting in my Redeemer but something else.
This week my mom sent me a card and on in side it read:
"Trust is an act of worship...."
These words jump out at me because worship is something I put alot of emphasis on and take seriously in my daily walk. I never look at my battle with a lack of trust (typically taken out on Ken and God) as a place I am weakening my worship each day with God. Seeing the words, "an act of worship" gives me revival to keep chipping away at the lies that try to destroy my trust and sweet communion with Ken and God.
When I look at my soul more deeply with my lack of trusting God and His Word in my life, 3 areas jump out at me:
1. Contentment with my body - there is always something I want to make better
2. The amount of money I want to give back to God - the constant battle of "Life is all about God or alot about ME"
3. Daily worries - Why don't I remind myself if God sees strands of hair fall from my head, then He certainly is a part of bigger details in my life and is consistently orchestrating an intimate plan for me that is for His Glory and my good - regardless of my present day circumstances.
As I think about going to worship God tomorrow at church, I love the idea of surrendering all of my insecurities and handing them over to Him and saying, "God, as an offering of worship today, I give you my trust today with everything in my life - minor and major."
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours.
This week my mom sent me a card and on in side it read:
"Trust is an act of worship...."
These words jump out at me because worship is something I put alot of emphasis on and take seriously in my daily walk. I never look at my battle with a lack of trust (typically taken out on Ken and God) as a place I am weakening my worship each day with God. Seeing the words, "an act of worship" gives me revival to keep chipping away at the lies that try to destroy my trust and sweet communion with Ken and God.
When I look at my soul more deeply with my lack of trusting God and His Word in my life, 3 areas jump out at me:
1. Contentment with my body - there is always something I want to make better
2. The amount of money I want to give back to God - the constant battle of "Life is all about God or alot about ME"
3. Daily worries - Why don't I remind myself if God sees strands of hair fall from my head, then He certainly is a part of bigger details in my life and is consistently orchestrating an intimate plan for me that is for His Glory and my good - regardless of my present day circumstances.
As I think about going to worship God tomorrow at church, I love the idea of surrendering all of my insecurities and handing them over to Him and saying, "God, as an offering of worship today, I give you my trust today with everything in my life - minor and major."
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
For June
I'm reading a daily journal that challenges me where I get and go for self-worth, respect, value and affirmation. It challenges me how serisouly I take the words of God and how much I allow myself to rest in the palms of God and not rest in false idols - the idols that appear valuable in my life but at the end of the day are idols because I put more emphasis on them than my Creator's view and appreciation of me.
My June focus:
Take the words of God as seriously as I take words from close friends and dear family.
I'm beginning to see as I study the word of God, I create so much anxiety in my life when I add to the word of God and not take it for face value.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours.
My June focus:
Take the words of God as seriously as I take words from close friends and dear family.
I'm beginning to see as I study the word of God, I create so much anxiety in my life when I add to the word of God and not take it for face value.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours.
Friday, May 29, 2009
5 Points
I was thinking the other day, what has helped me break through my concrete walls of pain, over the past few years. I hope by me sharing a few things below, it can be an encouragement in your journey that there is no wall of pain that cannot be broken down.
1. Understanding all details in my life - the good, the bad and the ugly - are all for a purpose and no pain experienced is ever wasted - this is not endorsing pain but acknowledging our Creator is bigger and more powerful than any pain ever experienced.
2. Giving my buckets of tears to God - and nothing else.
3. Not waiting on someone or something to change, so I can heal in my journey. Only focusing on what I can change in myself.
4. Staying vulnerable with my fears to Ken, and taking him to therapy with me.
Ken can only be my best friend when I keep my heart open to him and tell him how to protect and help me. (I have noticed to many times women get angry at their husbands for not helping...and 99% of the time, it isn't the husband not wanting to help - but simply is ignorant on how to help)
5. The road to freedom is probably the most lonely road ever traveled - in spite of layers of pain released - and don't take it personally.
Change is hard for people to embrace - even healthy change. We are creatures of habit and often fine our security in routine relationships or traditions, not in our intimate relationship with God - whether we want to admit it or not.
Friends/Family who I would have thought would have been the biggest support surprised me at times, and for a long time I kept wondering what was wrong - until I realized the lack of embrace had nothing to do with me but there were things in their life that was stopping them from embracing my new journey.
I told a close friend of mine the other day, go through a big change in life and see what people are still walking life with you - those are true friends. It is bitter sweet but oh so heart warming to walk through 'fire' and still see dear friends/family in the fire with you.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours...sweet hugs to each one who has loved me unconditionally and has shown me buckets of grace and patience. I love you all!!
1. Understanding all details in my life - the good, the bad and the ugly - are all for a purpose and no pain experienced is ever wasted - this is not endorsing pain but acknowledging our Creator is bigger and more powerful than any pain ever experienced.
2. Giving my buckets of tears to God - and nothing else.
3. Not waiting on someone or something to change, so I can heal in my journey. Only focusing on what I can change in myself.
4. Staying vulnerable with my fears to Ken, and taking him to therapy with me.
Ken can only be my best friend when I keep my heart open to him and tell him how to protect and help me. (I have noticed to many times women get angry at their husbands for not helping...and 99% of the time, it isn't the husband not wanting to help - but simply is ignorant on how to help)
5. The road to freedom is probably the most lonely road ever traveled - in spite of layers of pain released - and don't take it personally.
Change is hard for people to embrace - even healthy change. We are creatures of habit and often fine our security in routine relationships or traditions, not in our intimate relationship with God - whether we want to admit it or not.
Friends/Family who I would have thought would have been the biggest support surprised me at times, and for a long time I kept wondering what was wrong - until I realized the lack of embrace had nothing to do with me but there were things in their life that was stopping them from embracing my new journey.
I told a close friend of mine the other day, go through a big change in life and see what people are still walking life with you - those are true friends. It is bitter sweet but oh so heart warming to walk through 'fire' and still see dear friends/family in the fire with you.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours...sweet hugs to each one who has loved me unconditionally and has shown me buckets of grace and patience. I love you all!!
Friday, May 22, 2009
Jenny & Tutu's!
My best friend, Jennifer Paulin, just launched a new company. I am not one to advertise on my blog but I can't help but share her dream with the world!
www.jandjdesigns.biz
J: You know I'm so proud of you and due to you I'm able to write each week on my blog. I love you dear sister!
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours.
www.jandjdesigns.biz
J: You know I'm so proud of you and due to you I'm able to write each week on my blog. I love you dear sister!
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Roses & Integrity
I love my husband - He is the dearest!!! Yesterday when Ken came home from work, he gave me roses. The roses in them self were beautiful but it was under the context that I was getting them that spoke volumes of love to me. I know if I would have had a good week, I would have loved the roses, but knowing what a tough week he had gone through with me - warmed my heart all the more to get fresh flowers from him.
His unconditional love never ceases to amaze me. Ken treats me like a queen when I am acting like everything but one - At one point this week, I asked him - "How do you it...You are so unconditional with me." He told me it isn't the times that I fail with this or that but the fact that I keep my heart open to him - even when I feel vulnerable and scared - so he realizes the battle is not him and I but I am fighting a battle trying to silence me as I discover new freedom every day.
I don't know what my days ahead will look like in my journey as I continue to taste vulnerable freedom and not distract myself with false idols of control...but I do know I have a confident husband that believes in me more than I believe in myself at times.
This week Ken fought for me in ways people will never be able to see...Protecting me in the way when I am 1000 miles a way from him and he is protecting our marriage...He is an amazing protector but as he reminds me - all because of God's divine grace and I keep my heart open to him so he knows how to protect me...I can't encourage you enough to keep your heart open to your soul mate...the cost of not is a silent death in marriage or worse - a co-exiting marriage.
As Ken reminds me - there is NOTHING that will EVER come between us - including my buckets of tears, control and pain at times...As I write this, I know my spirit was saved from major depression this week - all due to my husband being able to speak truth my heart...and one way he did that was giving me roses last night and being a man of intergrity.
Sweet blessing from my heart to yours and to every couple believing in each other more than any obstacle trying to tear them a part.
His unconditional love never ceases to amaze me. Ken treats me like a queen when I am acting like everything but one - At one point this week, I asked him - "How do you it...You are so unconditional with me." He told me it isn't the times that I fail with this or that but the fact that I keep my heart open to him - even when I feel vulnerable and scared - so he realizes the battle is not him and I but I am fighting a battle trying to silence me as I discover new freedom every day.
I don't know what my days ahead will look like in my journey as I continue to taste vulnerable freedom and not distract myself with false idols of control...but I do know I have a confident husband that believes in me more than I believe in myself at times.
This week Ken fought for me in ways people will never be able to see...Protecting me in the way when I am 1000 miles a way from him and he is protecting our marriage...He is an amazing protector but as he reminds me - all because of God's divine grace and I keep my heart open to him so he knows how to protect me...I can't encourage you enough to keep your heart open to your soul mate...the cost of not is a silent death in marriage or worse - a co-exiting marriage.
As Ken reminds me - there is NOTHING that will EVER come between us - including my buckets of tears, control and pain at times...As I write this, I know my spirit was saved from major depression this week - all due to my husband being able to speak truth my heart...and one way he did that was giving me roses last night and being a man of intergrity.
Sweet blessing from my heart to yours and to every couple believing in each other more than any obstacle trying to tear them a part.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Truthful Words
Words that heal my soul...
PSALM 30
I will extol you, O LORD, for you have drawn me up
and have not let my foes rejoice over me.
O LORD my God, I cried to you for help,
and you have healed me.
O LORD, you have brought up my soul from Sheol;
you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.
Sing praises to the LORD, O you his saints,
and give thanks to his holy name.
For his anger is but for a moment,
and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.
As for me, I said in my prosperity,
I shall never be moved."
By your favor, O LORD,
you made my mountain stand strong;
you hid your face;
I was dismayed.
To you, O LORD, I cry,
and to the Lord I plead for mercy:
"What profit is there in my death,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it tell of your faithfulness?
Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me!
O LORD, be my helper!"
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
you have loosed my sackcloth
and clothed me with gladness,
that myglory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!
PSALM 30
I will extol you, O LORD, for you have drawn me up
and have not let my foes rejoice over me.
O LORD my God, I cried to you for help,
and you have healed me.
O LORD, you have brought up my soul from Sheol;
you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.
Sing praises to the LORD, O you his saints,
and give thanks to his holy name.
For his anger is but for a moment,
and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.
As for me, I said in my prosperity,
I shall never be moved."
By your favor, O LORD,
you made my mountain stand strong;
you hid your face;
I was dismayed.
To you, O LORD, I cry,
and to the Lord I plead for mercy:
"What profit is there in my death,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it tell of your faithfulness?
Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me!
O LORD, be my helper!"
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
you have loosed my sackcloth
and clothed me with gladness,
that myglory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Two Boats
My dear friend Trish just wrote a post about our friendship...the type of friendship that is 20 years old.
2 girls...2 different towns...one a small town, one a city girl...2 different boats riding the waves through life...I love it because between the years both of us have lived in different cities throughout the world and today we are both back in a place where we found each other 20 years ago: I'm living in a city and she is back living in a small town. I just told her last night on the phone, I miss her town and the people in it.
What I marvel the most about of our friendship that started 20 years ago, Tricia 13 and myself 12, God has showed me though this gift of friendship, is a close picture of His unconditional love and support for me - us - regardless of where I am at in life.
Trish has embraced me in every stage in my life. She has embraced me when I have been a fantastic friend and traveled across the world to visit her and when I have been a friend that remembered her birthday in the 12th hour. Her support to me has never been based on how many times we see each other, how many times we talk, how many gifts we get each other, how many things we do for each other...And the times in life when I take big leaps, I know she will be one of the first cheerleaders cheering me on, and also one of the first to stop cheering if she senses I'm heading down the wrong road....bottom line, her friendship with me has never been based if we are riding in the same boat or if our boats are even going in the same direction...It is the picture of unconditional friendship.
Two boats - regardless where we are heading in each of our boats, we know no matter where are in life - we are never rowing alone because there is always going to be another boat in the ocean ready to row beside the other boat...just like Jesus...never leaving me alone and always waiting to walk beside me and protect me through life.
Sweet blessings of 20 years of unconditional friendship from Atlanta to Mediapolis.
2 girls...2 different towns...one a small town, one a city girl...2 different boats riding the waves through life...I love it because between the years both of us have lived in different cities throughout the world and today we are both back in a place where we found each other 20 years ago: I'm living in a city and she is back living in a small town. I just told her last night on the phone, I miss her town and the people in it.
What I marvel the most about of our friendship that started 20 years ago, Tricia 13 and myself 12, God has showed me though this gift of friendship, is a close picture of His unconditional love and support for me - us - regardless of where I am at in life.
Trish has embraced me in every stage in my life. She has embraced me when I have been a fantastic friend and traveled across the world to visit her and when I have been a friend that remembered her birthday in the 12th hour. Her support to me has never been based on how many times we see each other, how many times we talk, how many gifts we get each other, how many things we do for each other...And the times in life when I take big leaps, I know she will be one of the first cheerleaders cheering me on, and also one of the first to stop cheering if she senses I'm heading down the wrong road....bottom line, her friendship with me has never been based if we are riding in the same boat or if our boats are even going in the same direction...It is the picture of unconditional friendship.
Two boats - regardless where we are heading in each of our boats, we know no matter where are in life - we are never rowing alone because there is always going to be another boat in the ocean ready to row beside the other boat...just like Jesus...never leaving me alone and always waiting to walk beside me and protect me through life.
Sweet blessings of 20 years of unconditional friendship from Atlanta to Mediapolis.
Friday, May 1, 2009
My Questions
Journal entry 1.30.06
Why...Why...Why didn't anyone notice? How fast will I heal? ...Those are some questions I wrote down before I went to see my therapist back in January 2006.
Oh my - how fast will I heal?!... Here it is 2009 and I have been down so many roads to heal - if Helen would have told me upfront my healing was only going to deal with my heart - and no one elses or no one elses reactions - I don't think I would have believed her bc at that time in my walk I was looking for someone to fix everything, someone to blame and for someone to answer all of my whys...
Somehow between now that then, God has gently shown me it is not about getting my whys answered but what I do with the pain to grow in my walk. It isn't about yesterday: it is about today.
God led and continues to lead my healing in baby steps and there is no timetable or one path to heal. I often fine in my tender moments of pain that my healing takes place in trusting God and His plan for my life - that regardless of the pain - His plan for me is bigger than pain and He didn't create my soul to rest in pain but to embrace moments He gives me daily with people that are close and dear to my heart.
I don't know what you are going through today, but don't run from your questions or fears in life - Rather embrace them, go after them so you can understand them for what they are and they don't become bigger balloons in your life than they need to be.
For years I felt anxious and guilty -could never figure out why - and chased perfectionism...And yet throught that, I was determined to get the bottom of it and I praise God He showed me the umbrella of pain that was subconsciously hanging over my head for years.
I now look at tender moments or down days as times God getting my attention and it is my job to unpeel my pain so I live in freedom...the kind that makes me want to skip and not just walk each day!
Sweet blessings to you today!
Why...Why...Why didn't anyone notice? How fast will I heal? ...Those are some questions I wrote down before I went to see my therapist back in January 2006.
Oh my - how fast will I heal?!... Here it is 2009 and I have been down so many roads to heal - if Helen would have told me upfront my healing was only going to deal with my heart - and no one elses or no one elses reactions - I don't think I would have believed her bc at that time in my walk I was looking for someone to fix everything, someone to blame and for someone to answer all of my whys...
Somehow between now that then, God has gently shown me it is not about getting my whys answered but what I do with the pain to grow in my walk. It isn't about yesterday: it is about today.
God led and continues to lead my healing in baby steps and there is no timetable or one path to heal. I often fine in my tender moments of pain that my healing takes place in trusting God and His plan for my life - that regardless of the pain - His plan for me is bigger than pain and He didn't create my soul to rest in pain but to embrace moments He gives me daily with people that are close and dear to my heart.
I don't know what you are going through today, but don't run from your questions or fears in life - Rather embrace them, go after them so you can understand them for what they are and they don't become bigger balloons in your life than they need to be.
For years I felt anxious and guilty -could never figure out why - and chased perfectionism...And yet throught that, I was determined to get the bottom of it and I praise God He showed me the umbrella of pain that was subconsciously hanging over my head for years.
I now look at tender moments or down days as times God getting my attention and it is my job to unpeel my pain so I live in freedom...the kind that makes me want to skip and not just walk each day!
Sweet blessings to you today!
Friday, April 24, 2009
Vulnerable Trust
This week I chased my biggest idol - spending. Another way to say it, I chased false control, which boils down to a lack of trust in God for me. It was also no coincidence I knew God was tugging my heart to trust Him with 'my' children. I came face to face with that because if Sophie was to do AOA with Cole next year, I needed to order her materials this week- which really showed me I could no longer rely on a fantastic prep school to school either of my children.
And yet once I purchased all of the materials, and on one side was like "What in the world are we doing?" - the other side of me felt more freedom than I have experienced all year...
I feel like a child sometimes...kicking and screaming and not wanting to follow Gods leading in my path - because my reasons always seem so just - and then when I finally surrender and obey, my heart has more freedom than I knew was possible to carry.
This journey will definitely be a new direction for the four of us but who said life needed to lived by the books? Sometimes I feel like I treat my kids like products, and forget they are not in a box, nor do they want to become comfortable in a box.
Parenting to strengthen my childrens voices can be emotionally exhausting and time consuming at times; but to keep them in the box would be silencing their passions and voices that God gave them before they were given to Ken & I.
My biggest passion in life is to be a voice for the voiceless...and once again, God is showing me there are two voices that are more important than the millions of voices being silenced right now. I hope this story can encourage you to fight for the more important people in your life, no matter what the journey entails you to undertake for them. And as I say that, I daily have to remind myself to vulnerably rest in freedom while not shopping...it is so bittersweet...
Before I close today, a quick note to my lover: no worries...you and I will always come before our 2 angels - no matter what type of 'car' they are driving for school!!
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours today.
And yet once I purchased all of the materials, and on one side was like "What in the world are we doing?" - the other side of me felt more freedom than I have experienced all year...
I feel like a child sometimes...kicking and screaming and not wanting to follow Gods leading in my path - because my reasons always seem so just - and then when I finally surrender and obey, my heart has more freedom than I knew was possible to carry.
This journey will definitely be a new direction for the four of us but who said life needed to lived by the books? Sometimes I feel like I treat my kids like products, and forget they are not in a box, nor do they want to become comfortable in a box.
Parenting to strengthen my childrens voices can be emotionally exhausting and time consuming at times; but to keep them in the box would be silencing their passions and voices that God gave them before they were given to Ken & I.
My biggest passion in life is to be a voice for the voiceless...and once again, God is showing me there are two voices that are more important than the millions of voices being silenced right now. I hope this story can encourage you to fight for the more important people in your life, no matter what the journey entails you to undertake for them. And as I say that, I daily have to remind myself to vulnerably rest in freedom while not shopping...it is so bittersweet...
Before I close today, a quick note to my lover: no worries...you and I will always come before our 2 angels - no matter what type of 'car' they are driving for school!!
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours today.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
JaneCherise
Launching http://www.janecherise.com/
Many friends are wondering where the name came from!
Jane: my mother's middle name - my priceless example of what it means to stay true to my heart & fight for it, regardless the cost.
Cherise: one of my middle names.
Together JaneCherise means:
"dear one, God is gracious"
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours!
Many friends are wondering where the name came from!
Jane: my mother's middle name - my priceless example of what it means to stay true to my heart & fight for it, regardless the cost.
Cherise: one of my middle names.
Together JaneCherise means:
"dear one, God is gracious"
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
My Castles
Each week I build 'sandcastles' in my mind...sometimes they last a few months, sometimes a few days, and other times just moments...like sandcastles...they appear to stand firm and tall until a wave gently washes them away to nothing.
This past week my 'sandcastle' was thinking I would go see this new doctor, who was suppose to be the best in Atlanta...I made an appt, 'excited' to see what new answer this doctor would give me, and in my mind I was peaceful...Until a nurse called and said this doctor is not taking any new patients....at that moment my 'sandcastle' was washed away...I lost all hope and was discouraged.
That night I laughed....I thought how is it my hope was all lost when I say I trust God to provide for me and I trust God to take care of me...In a nut shell, at that moment, I saw how weak my faith is and how little I really trust in God in taking of me...and then I thought to of the verse..."have faith as small as a mustard seed...."
I'm lifted up again - not in the hope of doctors this time but in the name of my Creator that is not surprised by anything that happens in my life and is able to take care of me in ways unimaginable.
Sweet blessings!
This past week my 'sandcastle' was thinking I would go see this new doctor, who was suppose to be the best in Atlanta...I made an appt, 'excited' to see what new answer this doctor would give me, and in my mind I was peaceful...Until a nurse called and said this doctor is not taking any new patients....at that moment my 'sandcastle' was washed away...I lost all hope and was discouraged.
That night I laughed....I thought how is it my hope was all lost when I say I trust God to provide for me and I trust God to take care of me...In a nut shell, at that moment, I saw how weak my faith is and how little I really trust in God in taking of me...and then I thought to of the verse..."have faith as small as a mustard seed...."
I'm lifted up again - not in the hope of doctors this time but in the name of my Creator that is not surprised by anything that happens in my life and is able to take care of me in ways unimaginable.
Sweet blessings!
Friday, April 3, 2009
The Miracle
With Easter around the corner, I am thinking more and more about the significance of this miraculous Holiday.
Thank you Jesus. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins, most of all for my sins of the heart. I don't think I will ever realize what a gift that is - The truth that each day I wake up with Your mercies and Your grace is more than sufficient is something I will never be able to comprehend...the idea of someone hanging on 'my cross' so I have eternal life and freedom in this present journey is beyond believable at times.
I hope this truth reigns over so many lies that try to become comfortable in my head: the pain I have endured is greater than any freedom Christ is able to give my soul - my acceptance in Christ is not based on my good works but His amazing sovereign covenant He gave me before time began.....
Happy Easter! And Happy Easter to anyone who is still discovering who God is or wonders if there even is a God... I hope for us all this season is an incredible reminder it is not about us but about having an intimate relationship with Christ...honoring and enjoying God and His creation each day He gives us!
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours!
Thank you Jesus. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins, most of all for my sins of the heart. I don't think I will ever realize what a gift that is - The truth that each day I wake up with Your mercies and Your grace is more than sufficient is something I will never be able to comprehend...the idea of someone hanging on 'my cross' so I have eternal life and freedom in this present journey is beyond believable at times.
I hope this truth reigns over so many lies that try to become comfortable in my head: the pain I have endured is greater than any freedom Christ is able to give my soul - my acceptance in Christ is not based on my good works but His amazing sovereign covenant He gave me before time began.....
Happy Easter! And Happy Easter to anyone who is still discovering who God is or wonders if there even is a God... I hope for us all this season is an incredible reminder it is not about us but about having an intimate relationship with Christ...honoring and enjoying God and His creation each day He gives us!
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours!
Monday, March 23, 2009
Thank You
Thank you Jesus. Thank you for showing me no matter the amount of pain, you rescue my soul and provide green pastures that souls soar.
Thank you Jesus. Thank you for showing me no matter what, I am never alone. You are always with me. Your hand print is all over creation and your voice is heard through the sweet words in the bible, in my quiet hours with you, and friends that come a long and support me
Thank you Jesus. Thank you for having abuse be a part of my story. With out it, I would be a judgemental, pharisaical, lady trying to fix everyone.
Thank you Jesus. Thank you for being the person, spirit and being complete. And yet loving me so much allow healing in my journey in this short road - called life.
And most of all Jesus, Thank you for Ken. Through Ken - I have seen how you want to protect, impact and have freedom ring loudly in each of our souls. Through Ken I have felt love only made in movies and have felt protection that are only like in fairy tales. Thank you for teaching me to trust Ken to the point he knows my heart and vulnerabilities. Thank you Jesus - if I experience nothing else in life and Ken and I are all we have - I am beyond the most blessed lady alive.
Thank you Jesus. Thank you for showing me no matter what, I am never alone. You are always with me. Your hand print is all over creation and your voice is heard through the sweet words in the bible, in my quiet hours with you, and friends that come a long and support me
Thank you Jesus. Thank you for having abuse be a part of my story. With out it, I would be a judgemental, pharisaical, lady trying to fix everyone.
Thank you Jesus. Thank you for being the person, spirit and being complete. And yet loving me so much allow healing in my journey in this short road - called life.
And most of all Jesus, Thank you for Ken. Through Ken - I have seen how you want to protect, impact and have freedom ring loudly in each of our souls. Through Ken I have felt love only made in movies and have felt protection that are only like in fairy tales. Thank you for teaching me to trust Ken to the point he knows my heart and vulnerabilities. Thank you Jesus - if I experience nothing else in life and Ken and I are all we have - I am beyond the most blessed lady alive.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Letting Go
I'm learning to let go
Let go of a clean house
Let go of a spotless kitchen
Let go of empty trash bins
I'm learning to let go
Let go of anger
Let go of pain
Let go of fear
I'm learning to let go....and I'm learning step by step
to embrace a "dirty" house
to embrace a "messy" kitchen
to embrace half filled trash bins
I'm learinng step by step
to embrace grace
to embrace healing
to embrace trust
I'm learning step by step...and there is no going back
Sweet blessings.
Let go of a clean house
Let go of a spotless kitchen
Let go of empty trash bins
I'm learning to let go
Let go of anger
Let go of pain
Let go of fear
I'm learning to let go....and I'm learning step by step
to embrace a "dirty" house
to embrace a "messy" kitchen
to embrace half filled trash bins
I'm learinng step by step
to embrace grace
to embrace healing
to embrace trust
I'm learning step by step...and there is no going back
Sweet blessings.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Friday Freedom
Or is it Friday Fear- fear of a new path never taken?? You see, I just signed Cole's withdrawal papers from his private school today so he can be home schooled...what in the world????.....AHHHHH!!!! What a week. I'm in such awe of my past week, I'm not even sure what to write...God has been so gracious in directing my path this week...I am rather emotional today...tears just kept coming out....tears of joy.....tears of joy to see my son "relaxed" with his life....and most of all, tears of joy to see how God consistently meets me in my path and orchestrates situations that I could never orchestrate on my own....
To give you some appreciation for my story this week, let me first fill you in on a few things:
Cole goes to a private school and have been going to school since preschool age....I love my space AND flexibility as much as I love my 2 darlings....I have my days I work out, I have my days to meet friends...I, I, I....I NEVER - as Ken was NEVER - going to home school (even the idea of writing home school could make me nauseous)
To give you some appreciation for my story this week, let me first fill you in on a few things:
Cole goes to a private school and have been going to school since preschool age....I love my space AND flexibility as much as I love my 2 darlings....I have my days I work out, I have my days to meet friends...I, I, I....I NEVER - as Ken was NEVER - going to home school (even the idea of writing home school could make me nauseous)
So here it is: In two weeks I start to home school our son.
Okay - that was never in my plans. That was never to even be considered, let alone act upon.So the obvious question, what changed...love, my gut, God changing my heart - call it what you want - ...as what changes all important things in my life, there is a point that love rules over logic....(getting married at 19 and finishing my degree WHILE being married...at 17 if I would have known in 2 years I would be married, I would have laughed and said after my degree, and after I do my international business experience...but when a heart falls in love...it falls in love and there is no going back....)
On my own I dismiss homeschooling but my heart leaps when I know home schooling will allow Cole to enjoy his strengths with learning, foster confidence and discipline, allow him to embrace his passion with athletics and music, allow him to take trips over to Zambia....since he will have more flexibility in his days and weeks....now that is an education that a boy will not forget....
This past Thursday, on the way from school, Cole & I had a fantastic heart to heart mother-son talk.... After our talk, Ken and I decided Cole's last week at school would be next Friday.... and we would start home schooling...forget the hesitations, the stereotypes, my fears, and perhaps the biggest of them all for me - the comfort of my son being in a "private" school.....step up and create a day to day life for Cole that embraces his strengths.
A huge part of this story that I haven't shared is my individual journey...During all of this, this past week I was so desperate to just go out and shop and become numb to what was really happening inside of my sons heart - all for a 'quick fix' for some 'artificial control'....but I stuck to my resolved heart that I no longer was a slave to shopping...don't let me discount the power of the holy spirit working in my heart at the times I was able to restrain)
I have no doubt it is because of my freedom from shopping that this past week so many answers came for our family with Cole - I had time and energy to invest in Cole - And I know if I would have been going through my week doing this and that - I would have easily dismissed my heart to heart talk with Cole on Thursday and the hundreds of conversations we have had all year as a family.
This week it has struck me how deeply the art and calling of parenting really is and the time it is required to stay emotionally in tune to my children. I love it that my "career" right now is being an advocate for Sophie and Cole - no matter how they are schooled. I wouldn't trade it in for anything. And with that, comes putting "hats" away for right now - it is not a sacrifice but rather a privilege that these two children trust me to be their advocate.
Like I told Ken, whatever my "career" is at any given point in time, I take it seriously and dive into 110%....to the point that I am willing to do whatever it is to see my children's souls "sing"...and sometimes that means putting my fears, hesitations, desire to be in control aside so freedom can be the song....and my son Cole can walk through life not being silence but heard....
Silenced but heard...I will do any thing for a soul to be heard and right now that means fighting for my son - not the girls on the street or at wellspring - but for my son Cole Kenneth Joseph.
I look forward to many more Fridays - not Fridays with fear but Fridays with freedom.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours!!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Some Truth
I love these words of truth:
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”- Isaiah 55:8-9
Sweet blessings.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”- Isaiah 55:8-9
Sweet blessings.
Friday, February 27, 2009
My Escapes
Piano....Motherhood....Religion....InteriorDesign....Anger....
Helping other souls.....Exercise....HealthFood....Marriage...Shopping
I look at this list and ponder - how many more worlds will I escape to and use to mask pain that only Jesus can heal? Sometimes I wonder - how does my life look when I am ready to surrender all of my pain to Him (It still is a lack of trust and need for control)? Will I be more content? Do I stop chasing distractions - good and bad? Does my heart have so much freedom I only know how to shout for joy 24/7? I don't think so. I think I will always have pain but to the extent it will be a scar..just that - a scar - no more and no less.
This past week I came upon some old journals and it struck me how long I have been fighting 'this pain': December 2005/January 2006.
-Why didn't anyone tell me when pain is shed, it is a good 4 year (and maybe longer) journey that demands time and grace, and more time and grace? (Although I doubt I would have let my self accepted that and thought - a good 3 months of therapy and I will be "done")
-Why didn't anyone tell me, when pain is shed, distractions become more ugly than ever before?
-Why, Why, Why...I have so many whys.
On the flip side of Whys...
-Why am I married to a man that doesn't abuse me - physically or verbally? Most ladies in my shoes stay in the 'pain' that was given to them as a child.
-Why am I in a situation to stay home so I can have the gift of soaking up little moments with my daughter and son - when millions of successful people are out of a job right now - and millions more have nothing but a cardboard box they call home?
-Why am I able to celebrate life through a set of beliefs that continue to show me freedom?
-Why, Why, Why...so many more whys.
I don't have any answers besides I have to many whys, that I am blessed with that I can't help - help break the silence of pain for hundreds of other individuals who never will be able to break their silence on their own....and pray my soul doesn't get wrapped up with 10 new worlds of escapes (that is likely to happen) but the world of Jesus.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours.
Helping other souls.....Exercise....HealthFood....Marriage...Shopping
I look at this list and ponder - how many more worlds will I escape to and use to mask pain that only Jesus can heal? Sometimes I wonder - how does my life look when I am ready to surrender all of my pain to Him (It still is a lack of trust and need for control)? Will I be more content? Do I stop chasing distractions - good and bad? Does my heart have so much freedom I only know how to shout for joy 24/7? I don't think so. I think I will always have pain but to the extent it will be a scar..just that - a scar - no more and no less.
This past week I came upon some old journals and it struck me how long I have been fighting 'this pain': December 2005/January 2006.
-Why didn't anyone tell me when pain is shed, it is a good 4 year (and maybe longer) journey that demands time and grace, and more time and grace? (Although I doubt I would have let my self accepted that and thought - a good 3 months of therapy and I will be "done")
-Why didn't anyone tell me, when pain is shed, distractions become more ugly than ever before?
-Why, Why, Why...I have so many whys.
On the flip side of Whys...
-Why am I married to a man that doesn't abuse me - physically or verbally? Most ladies in my shoes stay in the 'pain' that was given to them as a child.
-Why am I in a situation to stay home so I can have the gift of soaking up little moments with my daughter and son - when millions of successful people are out of a job right now - and millions more have nothing but a cardboard box they call home?
-Why am I able to celebrate life through a set of beliefs that continue to show me freedom?
-Why, Why, Why...so many more whys.
I don't have any answers besides I have to many whys, that I am blessed with that I can't help - help break the silence of pain for hundreds of other individuals who never will be able to break their silence on their own....and pray my soul doesn't get wrapped up with 10 new worlds of escapes (that is likely to happen) but the world of Jesus.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Why Post?
I typically like to post each week, but I missed this past week because I was flying back from Scottsdale and "my posting time" slipped away from me! However, this past weekend in spite of not posting, I was thinking, "What would I write?" Unusually, nothing was jumping out at me until I dug deeper and asked myself, "Why do I post each week? What is the point of this?" For a minute I thought of shutting down my post - just "be done" with it. Forget it. Act like it never happened...oh my, that was a familiar line...act like it never happened....hmm....
Since I was at a loss of what to write, all I could think about was how God continues to use my past pain for good, and so many people carry their pain in silence. At times when I think, "stop blogging," then I run into another friend or soul and pain is written all over them from some type of past abuse or pain that they are running from today and hiding from - in one way or form - morally or immorally. Mud is mud.
The only way we let pain get the best of our lives is when we give permission to let it. There are numerous "things" we can put in place of pain: drinking, success, acceptance, eating disorders, what is IT that gets the best of your soul and fuels your soul with lies? Mine is my prison of pain. Somehow I think if I keep my pain, it will shout through me so everyone can see the truth on what really happened in my childhood - and maybe if enough people can see, someone will stop it....hmm...if that isn't childhood pain coming out....
Why don't we embrace our pain? Why do we fall victim to it? Why do we give more weight on pain than it deserves? Do we think when we fall victim to pain given to us from someone else, that staying in a prison of pain that the walls would somehow sallow up our deep valleys of bruises? Why don't we acknowledge our pain for what it is and then with greater confidence, know we will be stronger of it? I have said this before, but I will say it again, Jesus didn't live in the past. Whether you embrace Jesus or not - Just bringing him down to a strictly human level -or even if you don't believe in Him just strictly looking at him as a fictional character in a novel called the Bible - He was betrayed, beaten, left for dead...and never ONCE did he play victim. He didn't even let isolation get in the way of his purpose on earth.
I will never forget a dinner I had with a friend of mine. Her past was similar to mine. And as we were sitting in a quaint small restaurant, she told me, "Amy, no one will ever be able to say sorry enough" How is it 2 years later I'm still looking for someone to say sorry, sorry, sorry...
The truth is I was abused. I was isolated. I was silenced. Physically I was wasn't left for dead but my soul was left for dead time after time after time. No one heard or saw my cry of help. And yet those hours of darkness that some will never understand, were times my soul was crying the loudest that it will survive and NOTHING will be able to crush it. I remember the first time my soul was silenced. I was 3 years old.
I say this with caution but the 'beauty' of pain starting at 3 years old, that same day a seed of confidence was sown - that never again was I going to let anything deter my purpose on earth. In a sense, my abuse was the best lesson in life. It taught me people let me down, I take nothing for face value, Crap will happen in life, but it is never an excuse to keep my head down. I may get 'slapped' at times, but I will not keep my head down. My soul was not created to die but to blossom. And sometimes that means going through hell.
In one sense, we have no say what will happen to us in our life. We have nothing to do with our first breath and we will have no power when our last breath is taken from us. However; all the breaths between birth and death, we have minds to not only take in life but the profound ability to process and shed layers of pain that at the end of the day are only strangers to freedom that our souls know best.
Life is to short to let hell and pain define my day to day life. I can never change what is directed my way but I have just as much say on how I will handle it and more importantly how it will shape me for today. And when the sun goes down tonight, my soul will not only survive but live a life that is able to learn to embrace freedom to the point that it overrides pain that attempts to steal my freedom.
Sweet blessings, given to you from my healer of pain, and redeemer of freedom, Jesus, from my heart to yours.
Since I was at a loss of what to write, all I could think about was how God continues to use my past pain for good, and so many people carry their pain in silence. At times when I think, "stop blogging," then I run into another friend or soul and pain is written all over them from some type of past abuse or pain that they are running from today and hiding from - in one way or form - morally or immorally. Mud is mud.
The only way we let pain get the best of our lives is when we give permission to let it. There are numerous "things" we can put in place of pain: drinking, success, acceptance, eating disorders, what is IT that gets the best of your soul and fuels your soul with lies? Mine is my prison of pain. Somehow I think if I keep my pain, it will shout through me so everyone can see the truth on what really happened in my childhood - and maybe if enough people can see, someone will stop it....hmm...if that isn't childhood pain coming out....
Why don't we embrace our pain? Why do we fall victim to it? Why do we give more weight on pain than it deserves? Do we think when we fall victim to pain given to us from someone else, that staying in a prison of pain that the walls would somehow sallow up our deep valleys of bruises? Why don't we acknowledge our pain for what it is and then with greater confidence, know we will be stronger of it? I have said this before, but I will say it again, Jesus didn't live in the past. Whether you embrace Jesus or not - Just bringing him down to a strictly human level -or even if you don't believe in Him just strictly looking at him as a fictional character in a novel called the Bible - He was betrayed, beaten, left for dead...and never ONCE did he play victim. He didn't even let isolation get in the way of his purpose on earth.
I will never forget a dinner I had with a friend of mine. Her past was similar to mine. And as we were sitting in a quaint small restaurant, she told me, "Amy, no one will ever be able to say sorry enough" How is it 2 years later I'm still looking for someone to say sorry, sorry, sorry...
The truth is I was abused. I was isolated. I was silenced. Physically I was wasn't left for dead but my soul was left for dead time after time after time. No one heard or saw my cry of help. And yet those hours of darkness that some will never understand, were times my soul was crying the loudest that it will survive and NOTHING will be able to crush it. I remember the first time my soul was silenced. I was 3 years old.
I say this with caution but the 'beauty' of pain starting at 3 years old, that same day a seed of confidence was sown - that never again was I going to let anything deter my purpose on earth. In a sense, my abuse was the best lesson in life. It taught me people let me down, I take nothing for face value, Crap will happen in life, but it is never an excuse to keep my head down. I may get 'slapped' at times, but I will not keep my head down. My soul was not created to die but to blossom. And sometimes that means going through hell.
In one sense, we have no say what will happen to us in our life. We have nothing to do with our first breath and we will have no power when our last breath is taken from us. However; all the breaths between birth and death, we have minds to not only take in life but the profound ability to process and shed layers of pain that at the end of the day are only strangers to freedom that our souls know best.
Life is to short to let hell and pain define my day to day life. I can never change what is directed my way but I have just as much say on how I will handle it and more importantly how it will shape me for today. And when the sun goes down tonight, my soul will not only survive but live a life that is able to learn to embrace freedom to the point that it overrides pain that attempts to steal my freedom.
Sweet blessings, given to you from my healer of pain, and redeemer of freedom, Jesus, from my heart to yours.
Below is a chapter from the Bible. It is Chapter 8 in the book of Romans.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man,in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.
Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.
You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.
Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
Future Glory I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed.For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Lawrence's Love
I went to an Assisted Living Home today with my son . The children made Valentine's heart bean bags, sang songs, and read their favorite book to a resident - very cute. Imagine 6 & 7' year old boy and girls all in kacki's with red, white and pink polo's.
As I was listening to Cole sing with the other children, I couldn't help but think of my grandparents. One set living in Florida by the beach, the other living in Kansas on a farm - couldn't be more opposite! Seeing the 'grandma's' and 'papa's' made me miss my visits with my grandma, who lives in Siesta Key, in particular. I miss the times she would take out her homemade coffee ice cream - that felt like she only made for me - and missed the boat rides with her in the bay at Siesta Key, while Grandpa would dock the boat and we would get out and gather sand dollars with our feet...
I had to ask myself - how is that I live close to these 'strange' old people and I still have 4 grandparents that all live far away from my children and I? As I was thinking about all of this - I saw Cole sit down by an older gentleman, sharing his favorite book with him....A Dr.Seuss book....after Cole read his book, the three of us started talking and I found out the gentleman, Lawrence, was a farmer in North Atlanta and use to crop cotton and corn...I felt like I was having a conversation with my grandpa 10 years ago - before his Alzheimer's sat it.
When the children and I left the home, I couldn't help but think that is "So God"....knowing what my heart 'needs', out of love, and providing blessings of love for me - even through strangers. I was so blessed to sit down with Lawrence and hear him talk about his school days, and farming - even If I never see him again. But having a conversation with him was just like talking with my grandfather who use to live in Kansas and farm hundreds and hundreds of corn and wheat. He had the same confidence, strength and love as my grandpa.
When I said goodbye to Lawrence, I could sense the love in his heart and appreciation of being with Cole and the other children. He reminded me Valentines Day is a wonderful time of year to bless everyone you meet with love and kindness... I realize not everyone may have a "Valentine", but I do know God will bless your journey with His Love when He is a part of your story. And that love is more fulfilling than any earthly love experience here. I know - I have an amazing soul mate and yet the love I have from my creator is the life that allows me to embrace each new day.
Happy Valentines Day!
Sweet blessing from my heart to yours
As I was listening to Cole sing with the other children, I couldn't help but think of my grandparents. One set living in Florida by the beach, the other living in Kansas on a farm - couldn't be more opposite! Seeing the 'grandma's' and 'papa's' made me miss my visits with my grandma, who lives in Siesta Key, in particular. I miss the times she would take out her homemade coffee ice cream - that felt like she only made for me - and missed the boat rides with her in the bay at Siesta Key, while Grandpa would dock the boat and we would get out and gather sand dollars with our feet...
I had to ask myself - how is that I live close to these 'strange' old people and I still have 4 grandparents that all live far away from my children and I? As I was thinking about all of this - I saw Cole sit down by an older gentleman, sharing his favorite book with him....A Dr.Seuss book....after Cole read his book, the three of us started talking and I found out the gentleman, Lawrence, was a farmer in North Atlanta and use to crop cotton and corn...I felt like I was having a conversation with my grandpa 10 years ago - before his Alzheimer's sat it.
When the children and I left the home, I couldn't help but think that is "So God"....knowing what my heart 'needs', out of love, and providing blessings of love for me - even through strangers. I was so blessed to sit down with Lawrence and hear him talk about his school days, and farming - even If I never see him again. But having a conversation with him was just like talking with my grandfather who use to live in Kansas and farm hundreds and hundreds of corn and wheat. He had the same confidence, strength and love as my grandpa.
When I said goodbye to Lawrence, I could sense the love in his heart and appreciation of being with Cole and the other children. He reminded me Valentines Day is a wonderful time of year to bless everyone you meet with love and kindness... I realize not everyone may have a "Valentine", but I do know God will bless your journey with His Love when He is a part of your story. And that love is more fulfilling than any earthly love experience here. I know - I have an amazing soul mate and yet the love I have from my creator is the life that allows me to embrace each new day.
Happy Valentines Day!
Sweet blessing from my heart to yours
Friday, February 6, 2009
Extend Compassion
February focus: Extend Compassion
I find the the longer I walk on my journey, there is so much 'power' in extending compassion. If only we embraced compassion to the point it would consistently dictate our words and actions, think of the impact that would have in our walks.
From my experience, if I never would have been shown the power of compassion. I would be a miserable adult. I remember back in June 2007, I was at a point in my walk wanting to forgive an individual but it seem beyond human to...until for a second I got a picture of the forgiveness given to me by Jesus...and that picture naturally enabled me to extend forgiveness on a individual that didn't 'deserve' it but through compassion got it. I realized my forgiveness didn't erase the pain that was still needing to heal at that point, but my heart no longer was holding onto anger that was only becoming more toxic to my self not the individual.
To many times people assume forgiveness and showing compassion is somehow dismissing truth in their life...somehow subconsciously the mind thinks if it extends compassion with forgiveness it is acting like an act never happen. Not true. My healing still needed that gift of time at that point in my life, but no longer was I going to let the bitterness from past hurt remain a friend in my walk.
Life is short. Life is fast. Life is to precious to spend days withholding compassion. I love the line, "Everyone needs compassion, everyone needs forgiveness, let mercy fall on me..." I no longer have time to wrestle with hurt or anger but showing compassion enables me to live a life that is really a vapor in the big picture.
Embrace the gift of life today and along the way extend compassion.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours.
I find the the longer I walk on my journey, there is so much 'power' in extending compassion. If only we embraced compassion to the point it would consistently dictate our words and actions, think of the impact that would have in our walks.
From my experience, if I never would have been shown the power of compassion. I would be a miserable adult. I remember back in June 2007, I was at a point in my walk wanting to forgive an individual but it seem beyond human to...until for a second I got a picture of the forgiveness given to me by Jesus...and that picture naturally enabled me to extend forgiveness on a individual that didn't 'deserve' it but through compassion got it. I realized my forgiveness didn't erase the pain that was still needing to heal at that point, but my heart no longer was holding onto anger that was only becoming more toxic to my self not the individual.
To many times people assume forgiveness and showing compassion is somehow dismissing truth in their life...somehow subconsciously the mind thinks if it extends compassion with forgiveness it is acting like an act never happen. Not true. My healing still needed that gift of time at that point in my life, but no longer was I going to let the bitterness from past hurt remain a friend in my walk.
Life is short. Life is fast. Life is to precious to spend days withholding compassion. I love the line, "Everyone needs compassion, everyone needs forgiveness, let mercy fall on me..." I no longer have time to wrestle with hurt or anger but showing compassion enables me to live a life that is really a vapor in the big picture.
Embrace the gift of life today and along the way extend compassion.
Sweet blessings from my heart to yours.
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