Jesus...Thank you. I rest in you. I fly with you. You enable me to fly. Thank you seems so petty and yet that that is all that comes out. Let my actions and words be an unending thank you - no matter how significant or how petty - thank you for taking my cross so I don't carry it...thank you for letting my heart feel heavy when I do try to carry my cross...thank you for designing a path that understands healing....thank you for moments of vulnerability....otherwise I would never run back to you. Thank you, Jesus!
Sweet blessings!
Friday, September 25, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Only God
I love my quiet time with God's truths. Last night this spoke deeply to me:
"NEVERTHELESS, I AM CONTINUALLY WITH YOU: YOU HOLD MY RIGHT HAND. YOU GUIDE ME WITH YOUR COUNSEL, AND AFTERWARD YOU WILL RECEIVE ME TO GLORY. WHOM HAVE I IN HEAVEN BUT YOU? AND THERE IS NOTHING ON EARTH THAT I DESIRE BESIDES YOU"
PSALM 73: 24-25
The past month God keeps hitting my soul - "Amy, where is your comfort? Amy, what is safety for you? Amy, what does protection look like for you? Amy, who and what are you trusting to fulfill your soul? Amy, where do you go for truth? Amy, who do you talk to for truth? LET ME BE ALL OF THAT AND MORE FOR YOU. TRUST. LET GO. FLY....even during times of doubt and heartache...This earth is broken, you are broken but I AM COMPLETE and BEYOND COMPLETE"
And I LOVE how God knows the desires of my heart better than I do for myself! So the times I find my self chasing morale dead end desires, I'm learning to stop in my tracks and BE - and Let God fulfill my empty heart at the time and wait for him to fulfill me.
Hard. Patient. Boring...until God kindly shows His handprint in my life fulfilling me in ways unimageable. Right now I am waiting on God to show Ken and I direction...but I know God will follow through as He ALWAYS has.
I know God is tryng to show me dramatically, all of my pictures of comfort, safety and protection are actually far from His design for me. And the more I try to play middle ground with God, the less I leave room for His truth in my life.
Sweetest blessings.
"NEVERTHELESS, I AM CONTINUALLY WITH YOU: YOU HOLD MY RIGHT HAND. YOU GUIDE ME WITH YOUR COUNSEL, AND AFTERWARD YOU WILL RECEIVE ME TO GLORY. WHOM HAVE I IN HEAVEN BUT YOU? AND THERE IS NOTHING ON EARTH THAT I DESIRE BESIDES YOU"
PSALM 73: 24-25
The past month God keeps hitting my soul - "Amy, where is your comfort? Amy, what is safety for you? Amy, what does protection look like for you? Amy, who and what are you trusting to fulfill your soul? Amy, where do you go for truth? Amy, who do you talk to for truth? LET ME BE ALL OF THAT AND MORE FOR YOU. TRUST. LET GO. FLY....even during times of doubt and heartache...This earth is broken, you are broken but I AM COMPLETE and BEYOND COMPLETE"
And I LOVE how God knows the desires of my heart better than I do for myself! So the times I find my self chasing morale dead end desires, I'm learning to stop in my tracks and BE - and Let God fulfill my empty heart at the time and wait for him to fulfill me.
Hard. Patient. Boring...until God kindly shows His handprint in my life fulfilling me in ways unimageable. Right now I am waiting on God to show Ken and I direction...but I know God will follow through as He ALWAYS has.
I know God is tryng to show me dramatically, all of my pictures of comfort, safety and protection are actually far from His design for me. And the more I try to play middle ground with God, the less I leave room for His truth in my life.
Sweetest blessings.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Jeremiah 29:11
I had this verse in my bedroom growing up on this adorable plague. Years later and being aware of my abuse, these words of truth are more precious than ever. They are not only words but the source of my freedom.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. JEREMIAH 29:11
At times, God's plans for my life have not felt hopeful but God is bigger than those moments of doubt. I have come to realize the times I don't see God working, or I am going through difficult times, God is working for His glory just as much as during the times I see his majestic hand print. God is in all details and nothing takes him by surprise. That you God for truly being Alpha and Omega!
Sweet blessings and praising God's name for giving me leaps of healing - from just a few years ago learning to take baby steps.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. JEREMIAH 29:11
At times, God's plans for my life have not felt hopeful but God is bigger than those moments of doubt. I have come to realize the times I don't see God working, or I am going through difficult times, God is working for His glory just as much as during the times I see his majestic hand print. God is in all details and nothing takes him by surprise. That you God for truly being Alpha and Omega!
Sweet blessings and praising God's name for giving me leaps of healing - from just a few years ago learning to take baby steps.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Strawberry Crepes
This past week, I had 5 breakfasts with my grandma - each time with strawberry crepes.
Growing up down the street from my grandmother, it was not uncommon for my sisters and I to walk down to her house and have her homemade crepes for brunch. And with strawberries, real maple syrup and brown sugar in them, breakfast and life never felt sweeter!
Fast forward to present day -
My grandmother has a brain tumor. I'm not sure how many times I will have the chance to have crepes with her. Knowing my time was limited with her in Michigan, and knowing she doesn't have much energy (in spite of her doing physical therapy and smiling like she has 20 years to live), I tried to think of something special I could bring to her...crepes came to mind and I know it was my turn to "make" them.
Each morning at 9:00am I would leave my parents home, drive to pick up her favorite mocha cappuccino and strawberry crepes. By the 3rd morning, it was starting to feel like a precious routine. By the 5th morning, I knew it was my last.
Driving to my grandmothers the last morning, the day before I flew back home, tears started and I got a knot in my stomach...How do I smile at my grandma as I sit and know this may be the last time I see her or if I do see her again, her hair will have fallen out...
And as quickly as tears came to my eyes, driving down the road to her picturesque setting nestled between some trees, I felt freedom.
Freedom unlike any other before.
My freedom in bringing breakfast to her each morning, was the fact I had worked through so many emotions with my abuse (although my abuse never had to do anything with her). I knew if I had stayed in my bondage, I never would have the emotional capacity to be a support to her like I was. Simply because in bondage, it takes all strength to stay alive each day and the idea of reaching out doesn't exist. Anger consumes and clouds all thought and emotions. I was in that cycle for 3 years - having times of freedom but a clouded cycle.
I was watching myself do things for my grandma that came from strength that I use to devote to anger and hurt.
I was so happy for my "seen" freedom to fighting tears talking with Grandma - I didn't know what to feel at times at that last breakfast with my Grandma Lorene.
God showed me once again, life is to short to not to enjoy simple moments in life like sharing strawberry crepes with my grandmother. And yet, with out the persistence of fighting all walls of abuse, I have no doubt I would have robbed myself of the most precious 5 breakfasts of my life.
Fight to break down walls - no matter how painful it feels because the time in ones life when 5 breakfasts comes along - is mostly likely during a time least expected. It was for me. A week before I flew up to see my family, I was at the lake with my precious darling. I was never expecting to get a call my vibrant healthy grandma had a brain tumor.
I believe in healing and I believe in prayer. Even though reality is telling me I won't have a 6th breakfast eating strawberry crepes with my grandma, I'm planning on it - whether it is here or in years when both of us are in forever freedom.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.
PS
I love you Grandma. And If I could, I would bring crepes for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
xoxo
Growing up down the street from my grandmother, it was not uncommon for my sisters and I to walk down to her house and have her homemade crepes for brunch. And with strawberries, real maple syrup and brown sugar in them, breakfast and life never felt sweeter!
Fast forward to present day -
My grandmother has a brain tumor. I'm not sure how many times I will have the chance to have crepes with her. Knowing my time was limited with her in Michigan, and knowing she doesn't have much energy (in spite of her doing physical therapy and smiling like she has 20 years to live), I tried to think of something special I could bring to her...crepes came to mind and I know it was my turn to "make" them.
Each morning at 9:00am I would leave my parents home, drive to pick up her favorite mocha cappuccino and strawberry crepes. By the 3rd morning, it was starting to feel like a precious routine. By the 5th morning, I knew it was my last.
Driving to my grandmothers the last morning, the day before I flew back home, tears started and I got a knot in my stomach...How do I smile at my grandma as I sit and know this may be the last time I see her or if I do see her again, her hair will have fallen out...
And as quickly as tears came to my eyes, driving down the road to her picturesque setting nestled between some trees, I felt freedom.
Freedom unlike any other before.
My freedom in bringing breakfast to her each morning, was the fact I had worked through so many emotions with my abuse (although my abuse never had to do anything with her). I knew if I had stayed in my bondage, I never would have the emotional capacity to be a support to her like I was. Simply because in bondage, it takes all strength to stay alive each day and the idea of reaching out doesn't exist. Anger consumes and clouds all thought and emotions. I was in that cycle for 3 years - having times of freedom but a clouded cycle.
I was watching myself do things for my grandma that came from strength that I use to devote to anger and hurt.
I was so happy for my "seen" freedom to fighting tears talking with Grandma - I didn't know what to feel at times at that last breakfast with my Grandma Lorene.
God showed me once again, life is to short to not to enjoy simple moments in life like sharing strawberry crepes with my grandmother. And yet, with out the persistence of fighting all walls of abuse, I have no doubt I would have robbed myself of the most precious 5 breakfasts of my life.
Fight to break down walls - no matter how painful it feels because the time in ones life when 5 breakfasts comes along - is mostly likely during a time least expected. It was for me. A week before I flew up to see my family, I was at the lake with my precious darling. I was never expecting to get a call my vibrant healthy grandma had a brain tumor.
I believe in healing and I believe in prayer. Even though reality is telling me I won't have a 6th breakfast eating strawberry crepes with my grandma, I'm planning on it - whether it is here or in years when both of us are in forever freedom.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.
PS
I love you Grandma. And If I could, I would bring crepes for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
xoxo
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Exposing "Trust"
I have thought for weeks about exposing this topic...do I or not...but after I think about the hundreds of conversations I have had with vibrant beautiful women, it would be wrong to stay silent. This topic is as close to understanding freedom from abuse as peeling layers of anger a way from abuse.
Sex.
I can't tell you how many ladies - and men - I have talked to ...
I was abused, I was molested, I was...
I've been married 5, 10, 15, 20 years
I am involved with this and that,
I volunteer for this,
I am president of that...
I have no sex life...
I have had an affair(s)...I can't even bring myself to shed light...I am so shameful...
Uncomfortable. Shameful. Bitter. Anger. Controlling.
I can't help but expose some darkness on this unsaid shame. If shame got the best of me I know what my world would look like:
I would have a co-existing relationship with Ken but appear to be perfect to the rest of the world. I would be a dead man walking through motherhood. Ken would be a dead man walking executive, living in suburbia America going to church each Sunday.In other words miserably controlling looking superficially happy. I have no doubt I would be drawn to men to protect me, and ken would be drawn to be pursued. It is in us. It is in our core to be protected and pursued and when we are not, we are drawn to other places.
My dearest ken is beyond the picture of protection for me.
It's one thing to be hurt, crushed, bruised, isolated but to let that pain have control over life today is worse than any crime committed to the soul. Withholding intimacy from a soul mate is the ultimate form of control. It is reversing what happen when one was abused - instead of being controlled one is controlling. But life does not need to stay in that box. Lack of intimacy with a soul mates has nothing to with sex but really trust (and I realize some soul mates are far from trustworthy).
Take another layer off...and it is fear in one way or form...fear of relived memories...fear of rejection...fear of pain...
In my journey there was only one road out of that trap and learning to trust Ken. Become vulnerable & be vulnerable with all fears...even if that meant in baby steps and my darling holding me on the sofa at times. And as always, there was never room for shame in learning to take baby steps.
Until I understood emotional freedom and trust with Ken, I took a sabbatical from life. At times I had to work - and still work at anger issues. At times, I had to work at body issues, in spite of Ken never putting lies in my head but working through my lies. At times, it was out right shame and tears from my past that had to come out - and still do at times. And at times, it was trust issues from other relationships that destroyed trust. I had to branch out and determine if I was going to stay skeptical with Ken or learn to trust with holding nothing back - knowing there would be times of disappointment and new hurt.
I had to learn to let Ken walk with me, to learn to trust him.
Today, sharing trust with ken is this; Standing tall (with all fears and scars), purposefully living with him all the while vulnerably loving him like I have never been hurt. And the days I don't feel like that - I go after any wall that dare comes between that ideal and my present reality. I expose my walls to ken everyday.
Stand tall - for yourself and for your soul mate - and at that point you can't help but expose trust to each other.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours and to every soul discovering the beauty of trust.
Sex.
I can't tell you how many ladies - and men - I have talked to ...
I was abused, I was molested, I was...
I've been married 5, 10, 15, 20 years
I am involved with this and that,
I volunteer for this,
I am president of that...
I have no sex life...
I have had an affair(s)...I can't even bring myself to shed light...I am so shameful...
Uncomfortable. Shameful. Bitter. Anger. Controlling.
I can't help but expose some darkness on this unsaid shame. If shame got the best of me I know what my world would look like:
I would have a co-existing relationship with Ken but appear to be perfect to the rest of the world. I would be a dead man walking through motherhood. Ken would be a dead man walking executive, living in suburbia America going to church each Sunday.In other words miserably controlling looking superficially happy. I have no doubt I would be drawn to men to protect me, and ken would be drawn to be pursued. It is in us. It is in our core to be protected and pursued and when we are not, we are drawn to other places.
My dearest ken is beyond the picture of protection for me.
It's one thing to be hurt, crushed, bruised, isolated but to let that pain have control over life today is worse than any crime committed to the soul. Withholding intimacy from a soul mate is the ultimate form of control. It is reversing what happen when one was abused - instead of being controlled one is controlling. But life does not need to stay in that box. Lack of intimacy with a soul mates has nothing to with sex but really trust (and I realize some soul mates are far from trustworthy).
Take another layer off...and it is fear in one way or form...fear of relived memories...fear of rejection...fear of pain...
In my journey there was only one road out of that trap and learning to trust Ken. Become vulnerable & be vulnerable with all fears...even if that meant in baby steps and my darling holding me on the sofa at times. And as always, there was never room for shame in learning to take baby steps.
Until I understood emotional freedom and trust with Ken, I took a sabbatical from life. At times I had to work - and still work at anger issues. At times, I had to work at body issues, in spite of Ken never putting lies in my head but working through my lies. At times, it was out right shame and tears from my past that had to come out - and still do at times. And at times, it was trust issues from other relationships that destroyed trust. I had to branch out and determine if I was going to stay skeptical with Ken or learn to trust with holding nothing back - knowing there would be times of disappointment and new hurt.
I had to learn to let Ken walk with me, to learn to trust him.
Today, sharing trust with ken is this; Standing tall (with all fears and scars), purposefully living with him all the while vulnerably loving him like I have never been hurt. And the days I don't feel like that - I go after any wall that dare comes between that ideal and my present reality. I expose my walls to ken everyday.
Stand tall - for yourself and for your soul mate - and at that point you can't help but expose trust to each other.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours and to every soul discovering the beauty of trust.
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