My Today

As I watch my children grow up, I see there are few greater joys than watching their souls blossom. And with that, comes the ability to know when to step in and step back in their lives to give there hearts room to grow. We have 7 summers until Sophie moves onto college...right around the corner.

This makes me more than ever take time and evaluate how I am spending my time, energy each week, and thoughts each day. I don’t have time to wait for things to happen to ‘make me happy’ (an old habit I use to put myself under - exhausting bondage) but rather learn the wise art of really learning to want what I have and see beauty in moments shared every day.

I am amazed in the last couple of months I see how my mind use to be in bondage to lies to the point I would obey my lies... I would obey my feelings of quilt - an emotion that all became to comfortable in my soul - to the point it would drive my actions for a quick high of escape and control...shopping.

I let that one go.

Time is to vital to let lies continue to dictate my joy.

My joy...bigger than watching my children hearts blossom...comes back to God and I.

Resting in God.

Actively pursuing God.

Being in communion with God. (This is when I take a deep breath, but often times that requires action that feels uncomfortable - but always freeing)

I love not just knowing but acting upon the truth God knows and grants the desires of my heart better than me so I can embrace any and every circumstance I am put into.

My joy stems from pursuing God’s glory.

It’s simple.

To often I complicate life and expectations for what I think my joys should be...

until I see a picture like the one above...

and I get it...

That’s joy.

Pure joy.

My joy.

Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.

No Fear

“I have your freedom and am holding it for you until you are ready to receive it...FEAR”

This quote struck home to me. It not only struck me, it stung me. It stung me deeply.

Within the same week, a sweet friend of mine told me - “Amy, you are holding back..fear is still driving you from doing your business...”

She was right.

And within that same night, I didn’t want to give fear anymore room in my life and launched my business:

LILY JANE

And now that I’m off and running with it, I see even more how much fear was holding me back...fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of loneliness. I still fight a lie that says when I am alone I will be hurt...wow, I love exposing my lies; exposing my darkness...they always show me how ‘shallow’ and untrue they are! And I see more clearly than ever, I am never alone but always in the palms of my Redeemer -and why would I run from that when it is Christ that makes me complete.

No Fear.

LILY JANE

...doing this to raise awareness of freedom for hundreds of more little girls that at one time were silenced but no longer want to live with that fear.

Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.

God's Promises

Oh, how I love spending time on the beach. There is something about watching the waves come in and out and yet be still as it is happening...reminds me of God and His love for me -  regardless how much is going on - I’m always in the palm of Gods hands and He is holding me...caring for me....protecting me....

No Matter What.

Oh, how I LOVE the promises of God.

I’m Free...Free from condemnation
I’m  Secure....Secure that God works for my good in all circumstances
I’m  Protected...Protected, established, anointed and sealed by God
I’m  Accepted....Accepted as a child of God
I’m  Complete...Complete in God

Perhaps the most precious part of being a child of God, is His promises are for all souls that call Him Abba Father. I love to share the power of Gods promises; most of all to my children.

As I watch my children grow up and I remind them every day of my love for them - It amazes me how much they need to hear it - how much they need to be reminded - in spite them hearing for years and years...I am no different at 33 -

Every day I spend time reading the Bible - not because I have to or it makes me a better person - far from that.
I simply spend time reading God’s promises  everyday because lies so quickly like to settle in and throw false truths at me. I see how powerful thoughts are because from thoughts come actions. And if I want my actions to make an impact of freedom for others, the best place to start for me is to dwell on God's promises...

No Matter What.

God’s promises.

Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.

Heartfelt Receiving

I’m learning the art of receiving...

receiving help
receiving advice
receiving love

I was stubborn for years because it was simply a trust issue. I was taught with my abuse people who are close to you hurt you. However, due to my amazing soul mate, unconditional friends and God’s divine road of healing, I’m learning more and more life does not need to stay in a lonely box but rather become a beautiful circle of support and heartfelt help.

As I live in a smaller community for the first time in my life, I find myself experiencing the joy of sharing life with others -and letting them help me each day. I look back at my life - living in different cities - and how hard i tried to do ‘it all’ on my own (even with having phenomenal friendships). I somehow had the lie tucked in my brian to do ‘it all’ was a golden ticket of great worth...I know - a complete lie and even foolishness - but I see more and more - just because I am capable of something, doesn’t take a way my need for great support still. If anything, I’m finding when I let others help me, I become stronger and life is much lighter on my heart.

I love how God created my soul for relationships - even if life along the way tried to steal that seed.

a few years ago - or even a year ago - help would have felt to vulnerable for me...when I let my heart receive help, I’m vulnerable and letting go - everything but being in control...

heartfelt receiving...

receiving Jesus
receiving Life
receiving Freedom

Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours!

Psalm 103

I find myself treasuring words from the bible, more and more - The words are music are to my soul in my constant world of change and growth. Often times when I find my mind starts running 100 mph, I will stop and just read...there is nothing like reading the bible for me - It is my anchor; It is my rock; It is my freedom - It is what enables me to extend grace when I don’t think its possible; It is what enables me to stand tall when everything around me is telling me to sit down; and It is what shows me over and over I have a Redeemer that heals every hour.


PSALM 103

4 Years

I love the song, “Where the Streets have no name” by U2.

Every time I hear that song, my hearts wants to dance....exactly how I feel right now in my journey.

Dancing to praise God for continual paths of healing....

It was 4 years ago this summer that I confronted my abuser - needless to say it has been a journey that has been more than a roller coaster...and all I can say right now is I’m dancing...

Dancing to praise God for allowing me to stay vulnerable with Ken - which in turns allows him to an amazing soulmate, protector, listener (this sounds sweet but for ken to be the amazing man he is to me, I can’t tell you how often I have to break through my walls of silence and bear my soul to him...ah - such moments of war within myself)

Dancing to praise God for allowing me to rest in Him - and not anger & materialism

Dancing to praise God for helping me to expose lies....lies like I have to do something to prove myself; prove myself acceptable, prove myself worthy....

Dancing...

Dancing to Truth....one of my favorite verses of Truth is:

I have not been given the spirit of fear but the spirit of power, love & sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

I don’t know when but I do know one day I will be dancing...Dancing in a place that has streets with no names!

Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours!

My 10

Embrace God’s Truth for my compass in life

Invite change

Surround myself with positive relationships

Exercise my soul & body

Be a voice for the voiceless

Date Ken

Be a lady for Sissy to look up to

Believe in CJ & let go

Dream

Smile

...sweetest blessings from my heart to yours

Embracing Chennai

Chennai...

Southern India...

Thinking I was going on a business/leisure trip with Ken...

Somehow having it become the trip that will always stay close to my heart...

I naturally love travel & new cultures (especially when it includes warm weather & water) so I wasn't surprised I was ready to go to Chennai.. Plus, a trip with Ken and I is always priceless.

Yes, it was amazing - it’s hard to beat the energy of Chennai, the back waters of Kerala, the beauty of a culture ready to treat you with kindness - but it was beyond that my soul was touched. As I was playing tourist and Ken would go to Spencer Plaza, I was seeing a part of a world that felt like home. I was seeing faces that looked like family. My spirit felt beyond alive. All I know is by the time I left Chennai...I left a piece of my soul....more importantly, I left a piece of us.

I found myself falling in love again - Ken and I were falling in love with something bigger than us. As much as we were falling in love with Chennai - we were falling in love with the hundreds of faces with empty smiles...how could we go by in “our car” and not do more than extend a smile back to these faces - they easily could have been the face of myself, Sophie or Cole?

Somehow in spite of staying in the grandest of hotels, enjoying scents and sounds from the indian ocean, being driven around from this place to that place - all I could see and feel were priceless children crowded the streets in Chennai. My heart was becoming more passionate about something than being passionate about decorating our home to a “T” or finding the latest shoulder bag...At first I wasn’t sure if I wanted to invite the thoughts that were flooding my mind..I knew for me to act upon those thoughts - helping orphans - would crash my world of comfort - and bigger than that, would crash my children’s world of comfort.

Orphans were nothing new to me - I knew there were millions - but now my heart was calling me to do something about - even if I did live in the comfort of my home back in the states.

We could no longer just send money.

Coming back to the states, we knew we wanted our family to invest in the lives of orphans...but how...

That was 3 years ago....

And at last Ken and I are ready...

I’m ready to let my eyes be exposed to the village of these precious orphans
I’m ready to let my heart be challenged on where I spend my time and resources

I’m ready

I’m ready to let go of trying to take care of every detail
I’m ready to let go of being in control 24/7

I’m ready

I’m ready to see eyes of little girls that hold themselves at night - wondering if their mom is going to be alive in the morning...

I’m ready to see empty smiles of little boys that are aching for someone to show them mercy - and not be treated like a slave...

I’m ready

I’m ready to be in a kitchen without a perfect refrigerator

I’m ready to have a bedroom without the perfect decor

I’m ready to show my children what a life about extending grace looks like - no matter how uncomfortable it feels

I’m ready

Embracing Chennai...

Or do I say -

Embracing Freedom

Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.

Embracing Freedom

Last week I spontaneously decided we would go to siesta key. Sophie and Cole were beyond surprised. I will never forget their expressions when we took them out for chinese and told them they had a surprise in their fortune cookies...at best - Cole was hoping we would go see a movie on a school night!!

The flip side to the story is how vulnerable my heart being able to get to that point.

When Friday morning came for me to pack, all I could do was sit on my barstool in my kitchen....it wasn’t that I was not wanting to go but I knew we would be with family....my stomach still gets knots when I think of children being with family - that is when I would be violated.

As I sat in my kitchen friday morning - I sensed my soul in tension - I could feel my body just wanting to ‘freeze’...the defining Y in the road for me...Do I freeze or do I embrace freedom? Do I go ahead and pack - even as tears of pain still release from my past years ago - or do I stay in my safe, well planned out controlled day?

My body was wanting to shut down and just sit in a corner while feeling ‘safe’...Bigger than that, my spirit was begging me to stay out of my shell and embrace the sweet gift of being able to go to a white sand beach with my precious angels.

This past weekend I realized how much my body fights me as I continue to embrace freedom - my body still wants to stay safe...my stomach gets knots...tears come out when I pack....I get anxious..
.
Enough.

How do I expect to embrace freedom If I keep following habits of old that are bondage ?

How do I expect my children to embrace freedom in their walk if I keep them isolated?

I have no doubt God pours grace upon me in those moments and gently reminds again....I am more than safe...I am in the palm of His Hand and He has set me free...and than all anxiety is released and I am able to fly in freedom without looking back.

Embracing freedom is beyond vulnerable for me. And I love seeing that as I wrestle with it everyday - even though all Sophie and Cole see is us 4 getting excited to go another trip with each other.

Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.

Following God

I say I follow God

I say I live for an audience of One

I say He is my compass in life.

And why then am I surprised when life has moments that are...

Uncomfortable
Confusing
Lonely
Scary
Skeptical

Following god is everything but logical and safe...

I remember the day when ken and I sold our home in suburbia...it didn’t feel safe...I remember the day when Ken and I walked away from an income that was more than comfortable...it didn’t feel safe...
I remember the day I remembered I was abused...it didn’t feel safe... living my whole life for 29 years at the time completely oblivious to my abuse... my soul was getting turned inside out once again and my layers of self protection were getting exposed....

Following God is really my journey of shedding layers each day...

In each of those situations - God was showing us how His hand is what protects and guides us and it was good - and that is worth more than ever feeling safe...I love trusting in God more than myself - even at the expense of feeling uncomfortable & lonely at times.

I laugh - I say I want a life of no regrets, sharing more than taking, following God not leading God..I could go on..but when I am in those times I feel like a child having a temper tantrum with God - kicking and screaming “why, why, why” to God until I realize my heart is going through what I believe in more than anything -

Following God.

Following God - what more do I need? Anything else is a dead end.

Following God.

Flying in Freedom.

...sending smiles from my heart to yours.

sweetest blessings.

Sharing Joy

CJ consistently has a heart to share his joys with others - particularly with his Sissy. He is always ready to give his heart - his best - no holding back ...beyond that his heart is willing to trust.

Watching him for 8 years has taught me the beauty of sharing all of my heart with God - and trusting - no holding back - giving God my best. And knowing when I have disappointments - God is still sharing his mercy and grace with me every moment. He never stops orchestrating my world for His glory.

When I share the joy of following God’s Truth with others - it somehow reminds me how powerful His Hand continues to be in my life as I continue on my journey. It is easy for me to become self reliant when I don’t feel that ‘broken’. However - as soon as I am on my knees again - as soon as something is ‘out of my control’ I am reminded - its not my self made joy but the joy that God shares with me that enables me to walk freely in life.

I find myself praying this week....

“God......Please remind me how fragile I am with out Your Joy. Please remind me without the power of Your Joy, You share with me each day - I will never have fulfilling joy but only short lived joy. Thank you for sharing Your Grace, Your life with me - so I can share Your Joy with others freely - just like Cole shares so freely...God - I need you, I need you desperately to share Your Joy with me....”

Sweetest Blessings from my heart to yours.

Life Listening

listen for laughter - not pain

listen for support - not isolation

listen for growth - not completion

listen to solve - not complain

listen for the power of God - not the raging storm

its about listening not critiquing

Its a choice but one that I am making a life habit.

Sweetest blessings.

My Mind

I desperately need to take time to renew my mind. My heart leaps with freedom - even if from the outside my life appears to be doing day to day activities. I find when I don’t, I become consumed with myself, become consumed with putting ‘happiness’ in a box, become consumed with everything “I need to fix”, become consumed with perfection in every aspect of my life - ah - such a deadly idol.

And yet I say that cautiously - because it is that same drive that compels me to have a marriage that is beyond co-existing, have an authentic relationship with my 10 year old daughter, and have a relationship with Jesus that is based on grace not works.

I know I have crossed the line of renewing my mind and killing my mind with perfection when I find my thoughts consumed with earthly idols that are brick and stone at the end of the day.

I think of Colossians

Col 1: 9-15
 .....asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.
This comes alive to me more than ever as Sophie shares her heart with me each night and wrestles with growing up as a 10 year old....what to absorb, what to let go, what to embrace, what to shed...

This week as I am renewing my mind - I keep asking myself - If God is the source of truth in my life, I need to embrace His belief system completely - not selectively - as it is often easy to do in my quiet time. I almost laugh at my hypocrisy in life - I tend to renew my mind with what I want to only hear - not what God’s word has to say about everything in my life - and I know I don’t go their because perhaps believing His entire word would cause me to have to examine parts of my life - and ouch - that might mean more shedding layers of false protection.

At the end of the day - I go to great lengths to not be hurt in life and I realize I am still trying to control my life instead of trusting in God’s words when I take time to renew my mind each day.

I love my journey - watching Gods truth transform my actions and not just stay neatly tucked in my mind.

Letting go...

Renewing my mind.

Sweetest blessings!

My Stillness

My escape from my soul at times, is to become really busy - the type of busy that to others it appears productive and far from destructive. And if I’m not busy, I’m shopping, I’m organizing, I’m designing, I’m critiquing...using a lot of energy to try to perfect something in that moment of vulnerability - all to find a few hours later - my soul is still restless. However; I know it is a mask for me letting myself learn to be still... I still have to train my mind, stillness is resting not fighting.

This year I’m done with that cycle.

I’m done spending hours shopping (in spite for those pair of shoes a lady always needs!); I’m done appearing busy (I do have time to be still); and I’m done judging, critiquing, waiting for perfection...I’m done.

Perhaps I see this more clearly now since I’m intentionally letting myself be filled with stillness - My favorite time in Yoga is at the end when I just lay still on the floor...and as my body is resting, my soul is praying and realizing I’m teaching my body to rest - not fight. I am ok...

I’m beyond ok...

I’m free...

Just like I use to feel when I would play the piano for hours growing up...

And perhaps the most rewarding of all, I’m learning to become still with Sophie and Cole and take their journeys in stride - and let them go as God directs their paths that were planned eons before I became a mother to them.

My stillness -

My new resting spot -

Right next to Ken.

Psalm 121

"I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forever more "

Sweetest Blessings.

My Heart

The past weeks I have had a couple of nights with so many tears I didn't know what was right from wrong. Anger and resentment were so full of me I was wondering what was becoming of me. This was not the way I saw myself starting my year. Besides I thought I had gone through this cycle enough...when would it be over...how much could my soul take?

I am still learning this walk is a new journey everyday as I continue to explore freedom. Everyday I put on a new pair of shoes...Sometimes it is tempting to put on my old pair of shoes...They feel more comfortable', safe, controlled...But to keep wearing my old shoes of fear and anger would be as wrong as abuse is itself.

I am still learning it is okay to have times of complete confusion, questions, buckets of anger that come out in tears.
I am still learning that is all okay because to keep emotions bottled up would rob me of embracing simple vulnerable moments each day. And just as important, those emotions would turn me into a person that would be my hearts enemy...I know that reality is what drives my heart to finally let go of intense pain and break down, no matter how fragile and broken I end up feeling.

Those intense moments - such real emotions of my need for my Jesus.

My mother once told me - every tear I shed is one more tear for Jesus to take...

Of course I question God; if I am child of the King, how could He have allowed me to have years of abuse? If God is so great - why didn't He stop my abuse...my journal has many more lines of questions that are as real today as they were real 4 years ago.

And then somehow my heart slowly lets go of my anger and starts asking questions like: How Great is my God to give me a path of healing: How Great is my God to allow me to marry a man that shows me respect like a queen and love like a best friend: How Great is my God to allow me to be a mother to precious children and have the gift of playing mom each day so I can be a part of their world: How Great is my God to show me how Powerful He is...

How is freedom measured if freedom is never sought for? How is healing measured if healing is never sought for? I know my past abuse shows me how Magnificent my God is - If He can heal me from years of being molested - He CAN move mountains and NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM to REDEEM...

My journey helps me let go of my children as they become little adults...10 & 8 going on 20 & 18....Because I see at the end of the day it is God who protects, heals and guides a life - no matter what is going on from day to day and no matter the intentions each day.

"Jesus, Thank you for my buckets of pain. WIthout my buckets of pain I would never see your powerful hand of healing. I would never see your ability to move mountains in life. I would never see your precious gift of redemption and realize the price you really paid for me.

Thank you for taking my wounds and letting me experience a walk of joy only thought were possible in dreams as a young girl. Jesus, You are life.

Forgive me the times I run to my idols of shopping and comfort to block out my pain - Please keep teaching me to run to you with my pain so I can rest in you and not short lived satisfaction.

Thank you for my gifts of Ken, Sophie and Cole and giving me a life that is richer than I could ever imagine. Most of all, thank you for your Book of Truth. Your words allow me to breath each day.

In Your Holy name, Amen"

Sweetest Blessings.

My Life

My life is learning the compass of love...

Love...

bears all things
believes all things
hopes all things
endures all things

Love never ends...

It is easy for me to put up walls time to time and be conditional- an old habit of wanting to 'protect' myself - and at the same time, those walls are becoming harder to harder to keep up and unconditional love is my way...

Learning to love...

Nothing less in life.

Sweetest Blessings.

Wise Words

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

- Mother Teresa

Sweetest blessings!