Embracing Chennai

Chennai...

Southern India...

Thinking I was going on a business/leisure trip with Ken...

Somehow having it become the trip that will always stay close to my heart...

I naturally love travel & new cultures (especially when it includes warm weather & water) so I wasn't surprised I was ready to go to Chennai.. Plus, a trip with Ken and I is always priceless.

Yes, it was amazing - it’s hard to beat the energy of Chennai, the back waters of Kerala, the beauty of a culture ready to treat you with kindness - but it was beyond that my soul was touched. As I was playing tourist and Ken would go to Spencer Plaza, I was seeing a part of a world that felt like home. I was seeing faces that looked like family. My spirit felt beyond alive. All I know is by the time I left Chennai...I left a piece of my soul....more importantly, I left a piece of us.

I found myself falling in love again - Ken and I were falling in love with something bigger than us. As much as we were falling in love with Chennai - we were falling in love with the hundreds of faces with empty smiles...how could we go by in “our car” and not do more than extend a smile back to these faces - they easily could have been the face of myself, Sophie or Cole?

Somehow in spite of staying in the grandest of hotels, enjoying scents and sounds from the indian ocean, being driven around from this place to that place - all I could see and feel were priceless children crowded the streets in Chennai. My heart was becoming more passionate about something than being passionate about decorating our home to a “T” or finding the latest shoulder bag...At first I wasn’t sure if I wanted to invite the thoughts that were flooding my mind..I knew for me to act upon those thoughts - helping orphans - would crash my world of comfort - and bigger than that, would crash my children’s world of comfort.

Orphans were nothing new to me - I knew there were millions - but now my heart was calling me to do something about - even if I did live in the comfort of my home back in the states.

We could no longer just send money.

Coming back to the states, we knew we wanted our family to invest in the lives of orphans...but how...

That was 3 years ago....

And at last Ken and I are ready...

I’m ready to let my eyes be exposed to the village of these precious orphans
I’m ready to let my heart be challenged on where I spend my time and resources

I’m ready

I’m ready to let go of trying to take care of every detail
I’m ready to let go of being in control 24/7

I’m ready

I’m ready to see eyes of little girls that hold themselves at night - wondering if their mom is going to be alive in the morning...

I’m ready to see empty smiles of little boys that are aching for someone to show them mercy - and not be treated like a slave...

I’m ready

I’m ready to be in a kitchen without a perfect refrigerator

I’m ready to have a bedroom without the perfect decor

I’m ready to show my children what a life about extending grace looks like - no matter how uncomfortable it feels

I’m ready

Embracing Chennai...

Or do I say -

Embracing Freedom

Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.

Embracing Freedom

Last week I spontaneously decided we would go to siesta key. Sophie and Cole were beyond surprised. I will never forget their expressions when we took them out for chinese and told them they had a surprise in their fortune cookies...at best - Cole was hoping we would go see a movie on a school night!!

The flip side to the story is how vulnerable my heart being able to get to that point.

When Friday morning came for me to pack, all I could do was sit on my barstool in my kitchen....it wasn’t that I was not wanting to go but I knew we would be with family....my stomach still gets knots when I think of children being with family - that is when I would be violated.

As I sat in my kitchen friday morning - I sensed my soul in tension - I could feel my body just wanting to ‘freeze’...the defining Y in the road for me...Do I freeze or do I embrace freedom? Do I go ahead and pack - even as tears of pain still release from my past years ago - or do I stay in my safe, well planned out controlled day?

My body was wanting to shut down and just sit in a corner while feeling ‘safe’...Bigger than that, my spirit was begging me to stay out of my shell and embrace the sweet gift of being able to go to a white sand beach with my precious angels.

This past weekend I realized how much my body fights me as I continue to embrace freedom - my body still wants to stay safe...my stomach gets knots...tears come out when I pack....I get anxious..
.
Enough.

How do I expect to embrace freedom If I keep following habits of old that are bondage ?

How do I expect my children to embrace freedom in their walk if I keep them isolated?

I have no doubt God pours grace upon me in those moments and gently reminds again....I am more than safe...I am in the palm of His Hand and He has set me free...and than all anxiety is released and I am able to fly in freedom without looking back.

Embracing freedom is beyond vulnerable for me. And I love seeing that as I wrestle with it everyday - even though all Sophie and Cole see is us 4 getting excited to go another trip with each other.

Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.

Following God

I say I follow God

I say I live for an audience of One

I say He is my compass in life.

And why then am I surprised when life has moments that are...

Uncomfortable
Confusing
Lonely
Scary
Skeptical

Following god is everything but logical and safe...

I remember the day when ken and I sold our home in suburbia...it didn’t feel safe...I remember the day when Ken and I walked away from an income that was more than comfortable...it didn’t feel safe...
I remember the day I remembered I was abused...it didn’t feel safe... living my whole life for 29 years at the time completely oblivious to my abuse... my soul was getting turned inside out once again and my layers of self protection were getting exposed....

Following God is really my journey of shedding layers each day...

In each of those situations - God was showing us how His hand is what protects and guides us and it was good - and that is worth more than ever feeling safe...I love trusting in God more than myself - even at the expense of feeling uncomfortable & lonely at times.

I laugh - I say I want a life of no regrets, sharing more than taking, following God not leading God..I could go on..but when I am in those times I feel like a child having a temper tantrum with God - kicking and screaming “why, why, why” to God until I realize my heart is going through what I believe in more than anything -

Following God.

Following God - what more do I need? Anything else is a dead end.

Following God.

Flying in Freedom.

...sending smiles from my heart to yours.

sweetest blessings.