I Say

I say I want to be brave in life...I say I want no regrets in life...I want to live and love like I have never been hurt

I say I am a follower of Jesus, I trust in Jesus and pray to Jesus ...and yet I find myself being a follower of comfort, trusting in comfort and secretly asking Jesus to make me comfortable in life and asking Jesus when will my grief go a way, and guarding my heart with love and extending life...

I say I want to make a difference in my children's lives, and make a difference in orphans lives...but God...all under my idea's and ways please.

I say I want healing, I say I am free, and I say forgive...but I find myself wanting to forever forget about my abuse, create distance, and wonder how many more times my knees will bend to plead with Jesus to take my grieving a way.

But maybe I have this all upside down.

Maybe I need to say, thank you Jesus for letting suffering be a part of my journey...my suffering allows me to see how ugly my sin is for Jesus to forgive me, and the gift of mercy He gives me daily...

Maybe I need to say, thank you Jesus for drawing my heart to orphans, no matter how much I give up of my time and ideals, to let others learn to hear their voice for the first time.

Maybe I need to say, than you Jesus for showing me one hour at a time, my hours are full when I open my heart 110% - no matter what happens on how it is received or how vulnerable I feel. My security is in Jesus - nothing or nobody else...(how freeing to say that!)

And maybe I need to say this above all else:

BE BRAVE - no matter how lonely it feels - for the glory of God - for the ONE whose sovereignty saves my soul everyday.

Sweet blessings!!

Sophie's Sunshine

I can't help this week but write about our dear sunshine -

Sophie Claire Amy!!!

I am a mom of a 10 year now!!! And I love it!!!

I know this blog is not about day to day family life but when I think of the journey I have been on throwing layers of pain away, Sophie has been a significant part of my healing in ways people will never realize.

"Because of you, Sophie...I...

1. Know God's timing is perfect
2. Love to the point I cry
3. Fight to shed layers of shame
4. Embrace quality not quantity
5. Eat birthday cake for breakfast
6. Gifts are precious to give and get
7. Trust is a gift earned
8. Eagerly pursue passions
9. Worship God outside of a box
10.Courageously advocate for the voiceless but first advocate for my children

and

...Anyone can be a mother, but to be a mom is a calling that surpasses all other callings

I love you, am proud of you, and believe in you - always.
Shine Bright for Jesus - as you have from day one.
And only for you - xoxoxoxoxo


Sweet blessings to all "Moms" who embrace their gifts from above!!

"DEAR LORD,

MAY SOPHIE GROW TO BE CONFIDENT IN HER PASSIONS, AND SHAMELESSLY COURAGEOUS. MAY SOPHIE ONLY REST IN YOUR GOODNESS NOT THE IDOL OF COMFORT. MAY SHE BE HEALTHY, AN INDEPENDENT ADULT CARING AND REACHING OUT TO OTHERS. AND MAY SHE ALWAYS KEEP HER SPIRIT ALIVE FOR YOU.

AND PLEASE REMIND ME YOU DON'T HAVE GRANDCHILDREN.

GIVE ME PEACE AND FREEDOM AND AS TIME MARCHES ON HELP ME LET GO, FOR YOUR GLORY."

Suffering Power

Sometimes I hang onto pain because it is a source of power and control for me; particularly if other areas feel "out of control" like moving or home schooling.

As soon as I tell someone I was abused - I instantly have their attention and sympathy. Isn't that what I want - people crave - people around me to give me attention and empathy in my journey?

And in todays culture, regardless of our background, we are masters at creating labels and disorders and needs. There is a name for anything out there today - we are kings and queens of becoming victims and justifying this and that. I smile because at the end of the day, we all have needs and disorders and all come from dysfunctional families in one way or form.

I know my suffering is Gods to own not mine to keep. That sounds all beautiful and nice but in my heart that feels so vulnerable still. Its like a bad boyfriend keeping my pain...isn't nice, treats me like dirt but sometimes having dirt feels better than having nothing at all...that is where I am at...keeping my pain feels more comfortable - safe - than carrying nothing at all.

I can't tell you how often I fight this battle.

Perhaps this is my biggest battle in my journey today.

Keep my pain or keep releasing it back to Jesus (often when I release it I take it back and tuck under my arms)

So I write today to encourage myself to stop carrying my pain because Jesus already carried ALL of it 2000 years ago on "my" cross. To many times I don't associate my pain and the cross because the cross resembles God taking my sin. However, I'm at the point in my walk that I need to recognize my suffering as sin - when I carry my suffering I become selfish, anxious, angry and impatient. And if that isn't sin, I don't know what is.

I plead with God as I write this to show me trusting him is the greatest gift I can give him as an act of worship - as he carries my suffering and grieving - not me.

2 Corithians 12:7-10

...So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then,I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Sweet blessings from my heart to yours today.

Surrendered Soul

My heart feels torn tonight in spite of feeling more free than ever on the eve of my birthday...

Both of my angels are fighting viruses, I just found out my husband has to serve on jury duty on our anniversary - in a few weeks! - and as I had full intentions how I wanted to spend my birthday tomorrow, I'm quickly learning my day is meant to spent in other ways...and celebrating my birthday will have to take place this weekend!! When it comes to my birthday, I am all about celebrating me and making no apologizes about it!!!

I look back over my year and realize it is my journey of surrendering my soul - over, and over, and over, to my Creator - in big and right now small things. Why do I keep fighting my will? Haven't I realized by now to keep my soul surrendered all of the time gives me joy like no other - even when circumstances on the outside might suggest otherwise?

This coming year I want nothing more than to let God be my pilot and stop trying to co-pilot my life with Him.

This is in no means suggesting I take a laid back unintentional approach to life. I am the first that likes to go over my vision and values...but after I lay it all out that is when I look to my Redeemer and say - Guide my steps....so at the end of the day my joy does not come from accomplishing my goals but comes from ultimately staying completely surrendered for the glory of God and being a voice for the voiceless - regardless what that entitles me to take up daily.

I think of the book: “The Joy of Full Surrender” by Jean-Pierre de Caussade.

These words are beautiful.

“One who knows the king in disguise treats him very differently from another who, judging by appearances alone, fails to recognize his royalty and treats him as a commoner. In the same way the soul that recognizes the will of God in even the smallest circumstances, even in those that are most distressing and fatal, receives them all with equal joy, pleasure, and respect. That soul throws open all its doors to receive with honor what others fear and fly from in horror….To adore Jesus on the mount of Transfiguraton, to love the will of God in extraordinary things, does not show as much faith as loving the will of God in ordinary things and adoring Jesus on the cross. For faith cannot be said to be real, living faith, until it is tested and has triumphed over everything that would destroy it….To consider God equally good in the most petty and ordinary events as in great and unusual ones is to have a faith that is not ordinary, but is itself great and extraordinary.

... Faith, showing us things as they are, transforms their ugliness into beauty and their malice into goodness. Faith is the mother of gentleness, confidence, and joy. It cannot help feeling tenderness and compassion for its enemies, by whose means it is so immeasurably enriched. While the human instrument seeks to injure us, the divine Workman does his work, making use of its very malice to remove from the soul all that is injurious to it. The will of God is nothing but sweetness, grace, and treasures to the surrendered soul.

As I close, I leave with this:

Embrace the journey. Stand tall. And treat the hours that are given as a gift...perhaps that is what my soul longs for at 32...Gifts are not material possessions but gifts are the moments given to me each day, a smile exchanged with a stranger, being a voice for the voiceless, and having a surrendered heart hourly.

Sweet blessings from my heart to yours! Life is Precious!!

Arms High!

After I got married I didn't know when I wanted to have kids - in spite of not being aware of my absue until I was 28 years old. All I knew was the fear of bringing a child into the world because deep down I never wanted to let a child down and the best option I thought at the time was to keep life 'safe' for Ken and I. After a few years, we had Sophie and that was the bginning of God showing me the beauty of letting go...And God showing me the picture of freedom and vulnerability is a MILLION times bigger than a 'safe' and fear life - which ultimately only brings more bondage and fear into my life.

So now when I come upon something I sense is fear driven and sense a bigger vulnerability and calling from God...bringing orphans into our home, spending more of my time sharing freedom with souls - and less time on 'perfecting' myself, throwing myself into motherhood - knowing in 9 years my daughter will be leaving our home and entering her own journey with God (God doesn't have grandchildren)- that all feels out of control and not a lot of ducks in a row each day - but having buckets of priceless joy.

Sometimes I have to push myself out of my cocoon (sometimes eyes opened other times eyes shut), stop analyzing everything to make sure its 'safe' - and I put my arms up in the air and breathe.......and say embrace the gifts that come along my journey, walk confidently because no path is ever on detour, treat circumstances that feel like thorns and recognize with a thorn is a bigger rose, remind myself God carries my pain, and let my heart accept a priceless freedom that anyone would say is from the same Creator who controls the height of the waves, the speed of the wind and opens up the lilies each day... Sometimes that all sounds and seems to simple and GOOD - but that is it - it is...and my arms are raised high.

Sweet blessings from my hearts to yours!

A Year

This time of year makes me think about so much...one because my birthday is coming up and secondly because its getting close to school time...

This past week it hit how differently I am than last year at this time...at this time last year Cole was signed up for a sport, Sophie ballet, both enrolled in a private school, part of a discipleship group, had no problem snapping at my kids or ken - and sweet to everyone else, felt 'safe' as I served on a board for abused women, consumed with how soon can I go shopping, when will my cleaning lady come to clean my house and the list goes on...

And yet this is my week to date:

Neither Sophie or Cole are signed up for extra curricular activties; I don't snap at my husband and kids (yes - there are still days) from passive anger; Resigned from my board because I can be a voice for the voiceless with my 2 children and husband; Participating in home schooling; Somehow can't pay my cleaning lady because 400.00 goes a long ways to help orphans who have no freedom; Had conversations with people that are typically written off in our society; I am consumed with writing my book and seeing how our family can share freedom with ladies who are bound in emotional baggage from ugly abuse; And somehow the desire to get the latest and greatest for myself - and even for my children - is become lesser and lesser...

This may all sound like 'no big deal' but for me - those are nothing short of mountains being moved in my journey so I taste freedom...and now share freedom with orphans and widows...

I think of the past year and how God has been more than gracious as he continues to hold me in His palm - including the days I still have "temper tantrums" - and can only imagine what a year from now will look like...

And I end with this...to the brave beautiful souls who are taking baby steps of exposing darkness let my little testimony of how drastically my july in 2009 compared to july 2009 is be a glimpse of hope for you in your journey.

Stop trying to move mountains on your own.
Stop trying to gain God's favor
Stop trying to play peace maker in your life
Stop trying to look at the Bible as a self-help book
Stop trying to forget your abuse and embrace God carrying your pain

God didn't send Jesus for peace but for freedom...and sometimes that road to freedom is lonely, costly to relationships and more than vulnerable at times...but worth every step and more.

Sweet blessings from my heart to yours...My heart is with you each step.

3 books

3 books I hope Sophie & Cole read someday on their own:

1.The Search for Significance: Seeing your worth through God's eyes

*I love the JOURNAL that goes a long with this. It is a 60 day journal. Short, sweet, real...10-15 mins a day.

This journal had a quick way of getting to the core of my soul and challenging every truth/lie that settles in my soul, and challenging my actions and energies each day. It also had a way of exposing false layers of worth that I was hanging onto and didn't realize at the time.

If you are at any spot in your journey looking for emotional freedom, do the journal.

Right now I am doing the youth verson with my daughter every Tuesday night. This past year I led a small group but this summer I am realizing with home schooling my darlings, they are my 'small group' and for outreach - that is my passion - will be organic this fall...making cookies and taking it to the homeless...I want my kids to see they don't need to wait for a mission trip or a serivce weekend to reach beyond the walls of their homes.

2.Parenting with Love & Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility

Anyone with children younger than 12: Get the book. This book has wisdom beyond it years.

3.It Is Not Okay With Me.
Every soul needs to read this book. This book is the picture of living life to the fullest.

Be vulnerable & enjoy!!

Sweet blessings from my heart to yours.