Suffering Power

Sometimes I hang onto pain because it is a source of power and control for me; particularly if other areas feel "out of control" like moving or home schooling.

As soon as I tell someone I was abused - I instantly have their attention and sympathy. Isn't that what I want - people crave - people around me to give me attention and empathy in my journey?

And in todays culture, regardless of our background, we are masters at creating labels and disorders and needs. There is a name for anything out there today - we are kings and queens of becoming victims and justifying this and that. I smile because at the end of the day, we all have needs and disorders and all come from dysfunctional families in one way or form.

I know my suffering is Gods to own not mine to keep. That sounds all beautiful and nice but in my heart that feels so vulnerable still. Its like a bad boyfriend keeping my pain...isn't nice, treats me like dirt but sometimes having dirt feels better than having nothing at all...that is where I am at...keeping my pain feels more comfortable - safe - than carrying nothing at all.

I can't tell you how often I fight this battle.

Perhaps this is my biggest battle in my journey today.

Keep my pain or keep releasing it back to Jesus (often when I release it I take it back and tuck under my arms)

So I write today to encourage myself to stop carrying my pain because Jesus already carried ALL of it 2000 years ago on "my" cross. To many times I don't associate my pain and the cross because the cross resembles God taking my sin. However, I'm at the point in my walk that I need to recognize my suffering as sin - when I carry my suffering I become selfish, anxious, angry and impatient. And if that isn't sin, I don't know what is.

I plead with God as I write this to show me trusting him is the greatest gift I can give him as an act of worship - as he carries my suffering and grieving - not me.

2 Corithians 12:7-10

...So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then,I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Sweet blessings from my heart to yours today.