Together Forever

Marriage: so beautiful and yet so hurtful at times.

At times there seems to be so many things that my makes my marriage amazing and complete bliss - and at others times there seems to be just as many things that makes my marriage feel sour. Those spectrum's can happen within a matter of minutes - all because Ken will say something or I will say something and from that point on - Ahh - anger or my walls will instantly go up and from that point on - nothing that Ken will say will matter until I decide to let my walls down and be willing to get over that speed bump at that moment.

In the past I would let those speed bumps go on for days. It was my stubbornness of trying to make a point I was in charge - a lie - honestly, neither Ken and I are in charge. I'm now learning to get over those speeds bumps much faster because I am learning to trust my vulnerability - I am much more willing to take responsibility for my anger at that point and walls of defense.

I have walls that go up fast because in my core I still have this fear of being hurt.

The tone of my marriage is in my hands and yet it is that same responsibility I despise at times. I have to admit it - my tone can control Ken and us. My vulnerability controls the amount of friendship I share with Ken. My sweet girlfriends live life with me but never to the point that I share more with them more than I share with Ken. And it is in that spirit that Ken treats me and protects me in all situations - which just makes me want to love him more.

Its simple. My marriage becomes a love cycle. I never want to stop dating my husband. I know the day we stop dating each other is when I start to resent him and him resent me. That is when I start looking at him as an enemy; I start looking for attention in other places and Ken would not be exempt from that either. For sure we would have no patience with each other which would never let me feel safe to be come vulnerable with him and vice verse.

For a few years Ken and I were in and out of a crazy cycle and I think we broke it because for a moment of clarity one day - it was like - what are we doing...one day years ago we committed our lives to each other why are we now trying to destroy each other? Yes, life is cruel sometimes but who doesn't have cruel moments? Isn't that marriage - loving someone so much I am willing to get and stay in the trench - no matter how long? I have wasted thousands and thousands of our money and there is no shame. Ken knew that was my pain coming out and now I am learning to not run a way from pain - but run to God. And I know if it wasn't spending, it would have been something. I am broken.

It is easy to blame any issues I have in my marriage on something or some one else. It is fear of sometimes acknowledging how broken my soul is - and how desperately I need a Savior to help my brokenness so it doesn't become toxic to me or my marriage. I am broken.

I am broken. But bigger than that, I am loved and accepted in my brokenness by Ken.

Together. Forever.

Sweetest blessings.

PS

A few years ago when Ken and I were in therapy, I will never forget my therapist comment to Ken - after I had shared some stuff on my heart...."Ken, you are a grown adult. You say no to people everyday and you fire people - I know you would die for your wife. You are able to make tough decisions, now go do that for your wife. Let her be the only women you fight for - even if that means making other family and friends feel uncomfortable. Show her how you will fight for her."

Delicious Dessert

For Trish:

HARVEST APPLE CRISP

APPLE FILLING:(mix all together and set a side)

5 Granny Smith Apples: peeled, cored, and cut into 1 inch pieces

1/2 C Organic Sugar

2 T Fresh Lemon Juice

1 1/2 tsp Ground Cinnamon

1/2 tsp Ground Nutmeg, freshly grated

1/4 tsp Sea Salt


STREUSEL TOPPING:

1/2 C Unsalted Butter (or a butter sub)

1 C Firmly packed light brown sugar

1/4 tsp Sea Salt

1 C Organic Unbleached Flour (you can sub with other flours)

1/3 C Rolled Oats

* Melt butter over medium heat
* Remove from heat and add brown sugar and salt
* Add flour and oatmeal until incorporated - do not overwork
* Crumble the mixture evenly over APPLE FILLING (from above)

9x13 Pan: 350 for 50-60 mins

Enjoy!

Sweetest blessings!

xoxo

PS
"Amy Rated": a tasty and nutritional dish that is not complicated!!!

My Desert

I am sitting in amazement right now - I just came out of a desert - I didn't know how long I would walk in it but I went because I felt called to go - For Months I was on my knees asking Him to close and open doors and yet learning to focus on obeying His calling each day - while learning not to spend to distract my real emotions - even though I felt uncomfortable and vulnerable. Many days I was 'thirsty' and my feet felt 'dirty'and I 'complained' from being in my desert - while learning the beauty of walking in a desert.

The walk was often lonely and beyond vulnerable at times - but I stayed. I stayed and learned to be - something I would often in the past busy myself with organizing to helping to shopping. I didn't let fear direct my decisions like I would have a year ago. The times I became afraid or felt out of control were the times I would call Ken at work or give my soul to God again on my knees.

Today God showed me why I had been walking in my desert...now it all makes sense... It was only walking through my desert was I able to finally come to my water that my soul has been thirsty for all along - and designed to embrace all along.

As I write - I see my sin of entitlement once again - I get this attitude that I need to understand everything right now and if not right now - then for sure tomorrow....and to think the children of Isreal were in a real desert for 40 years...that would make my walk in my desert until Sophie is 50 and Cole 48...gulp. So sorry dear Jesus when I got impatient with 10 months...

I will never forget my desert walk of 2009.

Next time I come upon a desert in my journey I will invite it with both hands up. I will be. I love how God moves my heart to question, moves my heart to search until He clearly shows me water where He wants to take my soul...

"Thank you dear Jesus. Thank you for being sovereign. Thank you for water but more importantly, thank you for deserts - no matter how long I walk in them"

Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours

Exposing Worth

I want my voice to be a place of freedom, truth and hope. I want my voice to be a voice of kindness - starting with Sophie. It is easy for me to branch out and be a voice for this and that - and yet right now my calling is being a voice for Sophie in our home, teaching her how to use her voice.

When I let myself dig deeper - and take a deep breath - I know my tendency to branch outside my home and save thousands of girls - besides spending time with my own - is an issue of worth. That makes me realize I am calling God a liar - because I'm not believing his words when He tells me my worth is because of Him - nothing I do. NOTHING. PERIOD. I love how God tells me all of my goodness is as filthy rags -not excusing my actions to be a voice for a voiceless but sobering when I let myself believe I am worth nothing without the blood of Jesus covering me.

Looking back, it was hard on me to pull away from being on this board and that board in my community but when I found myself wanting to get acknowledged for what I was doing, and at the same time watching my dear daughter crave for that same energy - it was time for me to let go and acknowledge nothing I do adds worth to my soul.

Being abused - my soul has had to learn deeply I am more precious than jewels - period.My soul learned a lot of lies starting at the age of 3 - one being I was worth nothing because how could someone hurt me if my soul was worth anything? I started this journey of thinking I always had to look perfect, be doing this or that to be noticed... all lies. No new outfit, no new design, no new act of kindness, no new business was going to add worth to my beautiful soul.

I'm learning to take leaps of faith in understanding my worth is priceless all because of Jesus. I'm throw out lies as soon as they try to attack me; I replace thoughts of shame, condemnation, and doubt with the words of God; I soak myself in spending 'simple' time with my Redeemer...and I know it also has a lot to due with my friendship with Ken - experiencing first hand a passionate relationship while being vulnerable with all of my fears and dreams.

Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.

Thank You

Jesus...Thank you. I rest in you. I fly with you. You enable me to fly. Thank you seems so petty and yet that that is all that comes out. Let my actions and words be an unending thank you - no matter how significant or how petty - thank you for taking my cross so I don't carry it...thank you for letting my heart feel heavy when I do try to carry my cross...thank you for designing a path that understands healing....thank you for moments of vulnerability....otherwise I would never run back to you. Thank you, Jesus!

Sweet blessings!

Only God

I love my quiet time with God's truths. Last night this spoke deeply to me:

"NEVERTHELESS, I AM CONTINUALLY WITH YOU: YOU HOLD MY RIGHT HAND. YOU GUIDE ME WITH YOUR COUNSEL, AND AFTERWARD YOU WILL RECEIVE ME TO GLORY. WHOM HAVE I IN HEAVEN BUT YOU? AND THERE IS NOTHING ON EARTH THAT I DESIRE BESIDES YOU"

PSALM 73: 24-25

The past month God keeps hitting my soul - "Amy, where is your comfort? Amy, what is safety for you? Amy, what does protection look like for you? Amy, who and what are you trusting to fulfill your soul? Amy, where do you go for truth? Amy, who do you talk to for truth? LET ME BE ALL OF THAT AND MORE FOR YOU. TRUST. LET GO. FLY....even during times of doubt and heartache...This earth is broken, you are broken but I AM COMPLETE and BEYOND COMPLETE"

And I LOVE how God knows the desires of my heart better than I do for myself! So the times I find my self chasing morale dead end desires, I'm learning to stop in my tracks and BE - and Let God fulfill my empty heart at the time and wait for him to fulfill me.

Hard. Patient. Boring...until God kindly shows His handprint in my life fulfilling me in ways unimageable. Right now I am waiting on God to show Ken and I direction...but I know God will follow through as He ALWAYS has.

I know God is tryng to show me dramatically, all of my pictures of comfort, safety and protection are actually far from His design for me. And the more I try to play middle ground with God, the less I leave room for His truth in my life.

Sweetest blessings.

Jeremiah 29:11

I had this verse in my bedroom growing up on this adorable plague. Years later and being aware of my abuse, these words of truth are more precious than ever. They are not only words but the source of my freedom.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. JEREMIAH 29:11

At times, God's plans for my life have not felt hopeful but God is bigger than those moments of doubt. I have come to realize the times I don't see God working, or I am going through difficult times, God is working for His glory just as much as during the times I see his majestic hand print. God is in all details and nothing takes him by surprise. That you God for truly being Alpha and Omega!

Sweet blessings and praising God's name for giving me leaps of healing - from just a few years ago learning to take baby steps.