Together Forever

Marriage: so beautiful and yet so hurtful at times.

At times there seems to be so many things that my makes my marriage amazing and complete bliss - and at others times there seems to be just as many things that makes my marriage feel sour. Those spectrum's can happen within a matter of minutes - all because Ken will say something or I will say something and from that point on - Ahh - anger or my walls will instantly go up and from that point on - nothing that Ken will say will matter until I decide to let my walls down and be willing to get over that speed bump at that moment.

In the past I would let those speed bumps go on for days. It was my stubbornness of trying to make a point I was in charge - a lie - honestly, neither Ken and I are in charge. I'm now learning to get over those speeds bumps much faster because I am learning to trust my vulnerability - I am much more willing to take responsibility for my anger at that point and walls of defense.

I have walls that go up fast because in my core I still have this fear of being hurt.

The tone of my marriage is in my hands and yet it is that same responsibility I despise at times. I have to admit it - my tone can control Ken and us. My vulnerability controls the amount of friendship I share with Ken. My sweet girlfriends live life with me but never to the point that I share more with them more than I share with Ken. And it is in that spirit that Ken treats me and protects me in all situations - which just makes me want to love him more.

Its simple. My marriage becomes a love cycle. I never want to stop dating my husband. I know the day we stop dating each other is when I start to resent him and him resent me. That is when I start looking at him as an enemy; I start looking for attention in other places and Ken would not be exempt from that either. For sure we would have no patience with each other which would never let me feel safe to be come vulnerable with him and vice verse.

For a few years Ken and I were in and out of a crazy cycle and I think we broke it because for a moment of clarity one day - it was like - what are we doing...one day years ago we committed our lives to each other why are we now trying to destroy each other? Yes, life is cruel sometimes but who doesn't have cruel moments? Isn't that marriage - loving someone so much I am willing to get and stay in the trench - no matter how long? I have wasted thousands and thousands of our money and there is no shame. Ken knew that was my pain coming out and now I am learning to not run a way from pain - but run to God. And I know if it wasn't spending, it would have been something. I am broken.

It is easy to blame any issues I have in my marriage on something or some one else. It is fear of sometimes acknowledging how broken my soul is - and how desperately I need a Savior to help my brokenness so it doesn't become toxic to me or my marriage. I am broken.

I am broken. But bigger than that, I am loved and accepted in my brokenness by Ken.

Together. Forever.

Sweetest blessings.

PS

A few years ago when Ken and I were in therapy, I will never forget my therapist comment to Ken - after I had shared some stuff on my heart...."Ken, you are a grown adult. You say no to people everyday and you fire people - I know you would die for your wife. You are able to make tough decisions, now go do that for your wife. Let her be the only women you fight for - even if that means making other family and friends feel uncomfortable. Show her how you will fight for her."