Strawberry Crepes

This past week, I had 5 breakfasts with my grandma - each time with strawberry crepes.

Growing up down the street from my grandmother, it was not uncommon for my sisters and I to walk down to her house and have her homemade crepes for brunch. And with strawberries, real maple syrup and brown sugar in them, breakfast and life never felt sweeter!

Fast forward to present day -

My grandmother has a brain tumor. I'm not sure how many times I will have the chance to have crepes with her. Knowing my time was limited with her in Michigan, and knowing she doesn't have much energy (in spite of her doing physical therapy and smiling like she has 20 years to live), I tried to think of something special I could bring to her...crepes came to mind and I know it was my turn to "make" them.

Each morning at 9:00am I would leave my parents home, drive to pick up her favorite mocha cappuccino and strawberry crepes. By the 3rd morning, it was starting to feel like a precious routine. By the 5th morning, I knew it was my last.

Driving to my grandmothers the last morning, the day before I flew back home, tears started and I got a knot in my stomach...How do I smile at my grandma as I sit and know this may be the last time I see her or if I do see her again, her hair will have fallen out...

And as quickly as tears came to my eyes, driving down the road to her picturesque setting nestled between some trees, I felt freedom.

Freedom unlike any other before.

My freedom in bringing breakfast to her each morning, was the fact I had worked through so many emotions with my abuse (although my abuse never had to do anything with her). I knew if I had stayed in my bondage, I never would have the emotional capacity to be a support to her like I was. Simply because in bondage, it takes all strength to stay alive each day and the idea of reaching out doesn't exist. Anger consumes and clouds all thought and emotions. I was in that cycle for 3 years - having times of freedom but a clouded cycle.

I was watching myself do things for my grandma that came from strength that I use to devote to anger and hurt.

I was so happy for my "seen" freedom to fighting tears talking with Grandma - I didn't know what to feel at times at that last breakfast with my Grandma Lorene.

God showed me once again, life is to short to not to enjoy simple moments in life like sharing strawberry crepes with my grandmother. And yet, with out the persistence of fighting all walls of abuse, I have no doubt I would have robbed myself of the most precious 5 breakfasts of my life.

Fight to break down walls - no matter how painful it feels because the time in ones life when 5 breakfasts comes along - is mostly likely during a time least expected. It was for me. A week before I flew up to see my family, I was at the lake with my precious darling. I was never expecting to get a call my vibrant healthy grandma had a brain tumor.

I believe in healing and I believe in prayer. Even though reality is telling me I won't have a 6th breakfast eating strawberry crepes with my grandma, I'm planning on it - whether it is here or in years when both of us are in forever freedom.

Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.

PS

I love you Grandma. And If I could, I would bring crepes for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

xoxo

My Jesus

Healer
Redeemer
Strength
Path
Sovereign
Brave
Freedom
Passion
Complete
Rest

Voice of Truth.

Exposing "Trust"

I have thought for weeks about exposing this topic...do I or not...but after I think about the hundreds of conversations I have had with vibrant beautiful women, it would be wrong to stay silent. This topic is as close to understanding freedom from abuse as peeling layers of anger a way from abuse.

Sex.

I can't tell you how many ladies - and men - I have talked to ...
I was abused, I was molested, I was...
I've been married 5, 10, 15, 20 years
I am involved with this and that,
I volunteer for this,
I am president of that...
I have no sex life...
I have had an affair(s)...I can't even bring myself to shed light...I am so shameful...

Uncomfortable. Shameful. Bitter. Anger. Controlling.

I can't help but expose some darkness on this unsaid shame. If shame got the best of me I know what my world would look like:

I would have a co-existing relationship with Ken but appear to be perfect to the rest of the world. I would be a dead man walking through motherhood. Ken would be a dead man walking executive, living in suburbia America going to church each Sunday.In other words miserably controlling looking superficially happy. I have no doubt I would be drawn to men to protect me, and ken would be drawn to be pursued. It is in us. It is in our core to be protected and pursued and when we are not, we are drawn to other places.

My dearest ken is beyond the picture of protection for me.

It's one thing to be hurt, crushed, bruised, isolated but to let that pain have control over life today is worse than any crime committed to the soul. Withholding intimacy from a soul mate is the ultimate form of control. It is reversing what happen when one was abused - instead of being controlled one is controlling. But life does not need to stay in that box. Lack of intimacy with a soul mates has nothing to with sex but really trust (and I realize some soul mates are far from trustworthy).

Take another layer off...and it is fear in one way or form...fear of relived memories...fear of rejection...fear of pain...

In my journey there was only one road out of that trap and learning to trust Ken. Become vulnerable & be vulnerable with all fears...even if that meant in baby steps and my darling holding me on the sofa at times. And as always, there was never room for shame in learning to take baby steps.

Until I understood emotional freedom and trust with Ken, I took a sabbatical from life. At times I had to work - and still work at anger issues. At times, I had to work at body issues, in spite of Ken never putting lies in my head but working through my lies. At times, it was out right shame and tears from my past that had to come out - and still do at times. And at times, it was trust issues from other relationships that destroyed trust. I had to branch out and determine if I was going to stay skeptical with Ken or learn to trust with holding nothing back - knowing there would be times of disappointment and new hurt.

I had to learn to let Ken walk with me, to learn to trust him.

Today, sharing trust with ken is this; Standing tall (with all fears and scars), purposefully living with him all the while vulnerably loving him like I have never been hurt. And the days I don't feel like that - I go after any wall that dare comes between that ideal and my present reality. I expose my walls to ken everyday.

Stand tall - for yourself and for your soul mate - and at that point you can't help but expose trust to each other.

Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours and to every soul discovering the beauty of trust.

I Say

I say I want to be brave in life...I say I want no regrets in life...I want to live and love like I have never been hurt

I say I am a follower of Jesus, I trust in Jesus and pray to Jesus ...and yet I find myself being a follower of comfort, trusting in comfort and secretly asking Jesus to make me comfortable in life and asking Jesus when will my grief go a way, and guarding my heart with love and extending life...

I say I want to make a difference in my children's lives, and make a difference in orphans lives...but God...all under my idea's and ways please.

I say I want healing, I say I am free, and I say forgive...but I find myself wanting to forever forget about my abuse, create distance, and wonder how many more times my knees will bend to plead with Jesus to take my grieving a way.

But maybe I have this all upside down.

Maybe I need to say, thank you Jesus for letting suffering be a part of my journey...my suffering allows me to see how ugly my sin is for Jesus to forgive me, and the gift of mercy He gives me daily...

Maybe I need to say, thank you Jesus for drawing my heart to orphans, no matter how much I give up of my time and ideals, to let others learn to hear their voice for the first time.

Maybe I need to say, than you Jesus for showing me one hour at a time, my hours are full when I open my heart 110% - no matter what happens on how it is received or how vulnerable I feel. My security is in Jesus - nothing or nobody else...(how freeing to say that!)

And maybe I need to say this above all else:

BE BRAVE - no matter how lonely it feels - for the glory of God - for the ONE whose sovereignty saves my soul everyday.

Sweet blessings!!

Sophie's Sunshine

I can't help this week but write about our dear sunshine -

Sophie Claire Amy!!!

I am a mom of a 10 year now!!! And I love it!!!

I know this blog is not about day to day family life but when I think of the journey I have been on throwing layers of pain away, Sophie has been a significant part of my healing in ways people will never realize.

"Because of you, Sophie...I...

1. Know God's timing is perfect
2. Love to the point I cry
3. Fight to shed layers of shame
4. Embrace quality not quantity
5. Eat birthday cake for breakfast
6. Gifts are precious to give and get
7. Trust is a gift earned
8. Eagerly pursue passions
9. Worship God outside of a box
10.Courageously advocate for the voiceless but first advocate for my children

and

...Anyone can be a mother, but to be a mom is a calling that surpasses all other callings

I love you, am proud of you, and believe in you - always.
Shine Bright for Jesus - as you have from day one.
And only for you - xoxoxoxoxo


Sweet blessings to all "Moms" who embrace their gifts from above!!

"DEAR LORD,

MAY SOPHIE GROW TO BE CONFIDENT IN HER PASSIONS, AND SHAMELESSLY COURAGEOUS. MAY SOPHIE ONLY REST IN YOUR GOODNESS NOT THE IDOL OF COMFORT. MAY SHE BE HEALTHY, AN INDEPENDENT ADULT CARING AND REACHING OUT TO OTHERS. AND MAY SHE ALWAYS KEEP HER SPIRIT ALIVE FOR YOU.

AND PLEASE REMIND ME YOU DON'T HAVE GRANDCHILDREN.

GIVE ME PEACE AND FREEDOM AND AS TIME MARCHES ON HELP ME LET GO, FOR YOUR GLORY."

Suffering Power

Sometimes I hang onto pain because it is a source of power and control for me; particularly if other areas feel "out of control" like moving or home schooling.

As soon as I tell someone I was abused - I instantly have their attention and sympathy. Isn't that what I want - people crave - people around me to give me attention and empathy in my journey?

And in todays culture, regardless of our background, we are masters at creating labels and disorders and needs. There is a name for anything out there today - we are kings and queens of becoming victims and justifying this and that. I smile because at the end of the day, we all have needs and disorders and all come from dysfunctional families in one way or form.

I know my suffering is Gods to own not mine to keep. That sounds all beautiful and nice but in my heart that feels so vulnerable still. Its like a bad boyfriend keeping my pain...isn't nice, treats me like dirt but sometimes having dirt feels better than having nothing at all...that is where I am at...keeping my pain feels more comfortable - safe - than carrying nothing at all.

I can't tell you how often I fight this battle.

Perhaps this is my biggest battle in my journey today.

Keep my pain or keep releasing it back to Jesus (often when I release it I take it back and tuck under my arms)

So I write today to encourage myself to stop carrying my pain because Jesus already carried ALL of it 2000 years ago on "my" cross. To many times I don't associate my pain and the cross because the cross resembles God taking my sin. However, I'm at the point in my walk that I need to recognize my suffering as sin - when I carry my suffering I become selfish, anxious, angry and impatient. And if that isn't sin, I don't know what is.

I plead with God as I write this to show me trusting him is the greatest gift I can give him as an act of worship - as he carries my suffering and grieving - not me.

2 Corithians 12:7-10

...So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then,I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Sweet blessings from my heart to yours today.

Surrendered Soul

My heart feels torn tonight in spite of feeling more free than ever on the eve of my birthday...

Both of my angels are fighting viruses, I just found out my husband has to serve on jury duty on our anniversary - in a few weeks! - and as I had full intentions how I wanted to spend my birthday tomorrow, I'm quickly learning my day is meant to spent in other ways...and celebrating my birthday will have to take place this weekend!! When it comes to my birthday, I am all about celebrating me and making no apologizes about it!!!

I look back over my year and realize it is my journey of surrendering my soul - over, and over, and over, to my Creator - in big and right now small things. Why do I keep fighting my will? Haven't I realized by now to keep my soul surrendered all of the time gives me joy like no other - even when circumstances on the outside might suggest otherwise?

This coming year I want nothing more than to let God be my pilot and stop trying to co-pilot my life with Him.

This is in no means suggesting I take a laid back unintentional approach to life. I am the first that likes to go over my vision and values...but after I lay it all out that is when I look to my Redeemer and say - Guide my steps....so at the end of the day my joy does not come from accomplishing my goals but comes from ultimately staying completely surrendered for the glory of God and being a voice for the voiceless - regardless what that entitles me to take up daily.

I think of the book: “The Joy of Full Surrender” by Jean-Pierre de Caussade.

These words are beautiful.

“One who knows the king in disguise treats him very differently from another who, judging by appearances alone, fails to recognize his royalty and treats him as a commoner. In the same way the soul that recognizes the will of God in even the smallest circumstances, even in those that are most distressing and fatal, receives them all with equal joy, pleasure, and respect. That soul throws open all its doors to receive with honor what others fear and fly from in horror….To adore Jesus on the mount of Transfiguraton, to love the will of God in extraordinary things, does not show as much faith as loving the will of God in ordinary things and adoring Jesus on the cross. For faith cannot be said to be real, living faith, until it is tested and has triumphed over everything that would destroy it….To consider God equally good in the most petty and ordinary events as in great and unusual ones is to have a faith that is not ordinary, but is itself great and extraordinary.

... Faith, showing us things as they are, transforms their ugliness into beauty and their malice into goodness. Faith is the mother of gentleness, confidence, and joy. It cannot help feeling tenderness and compassion for its enemies, by whose means it is so immeasurably enriched. While the human instrument seeks to injure us, the divine Workman does his work, making use of its very malice to remove from the soul all that is injurious to it. The will of God is nothing but sweetness, grace, and treasures to the surrendered soul.

As I close, I leave with this:

Embrace the journey. Stand tall. And treat the hours that are given as a gift...perhaps that is what my soul longs for at 32...Gifts are not material possessions but gifts are the moments given to me each day, a smile exchanged with a stranger, being a voice for the voiceless, and having a surrendered heart hourly.

Sweet blessings from my heart to yours! Life is Precious!!