Exposing "Trust"

I have thought for weeks about exposing this topic...do I or not...but after I think about the hundreds of conversations I have had with vibrant beautiful women, it would be wrong to stay silent. This topic is as close to understanding freedom from abuse as peeling layers of anger a way from abuse.

Sex.

I can't tell you how many ladies - and men - I have talked to ...
I was abused, I was molested, I was...
I've been married 5, 10, 15, 20 years
I am involved with this and that,
I volunteer for this,
I am president of that...
I have no sex life...
I have had an affair(s)...I can't even bring myself to shed light...I am so shameful...

Uncomfortable. Shameful. Bitter. Anger. Controlling.

I can't help but expose some darkness on this unsaid shame. If shame got the best of me I know what my world would look like:

I would have a co-existing relationship with Ken but appear to be perfect to the rest of the world. I would be a dead man walking through motherhood. Ken would be a dead man walking executive, living in suburbia America going to church each Sunday.In other words miserably controlling looking superficially happy. I have no doubt I would be drawn to men to protect me, and ken would be drawn to be pursued. It is in us. It is in our core to be protected and pursued and when we are not, we are drawn to other places.

My dearest ken is beyond the picture of protection for me.

It's one thing to be hurt, crushed, bruised, isolated but to let that pain have control over life today is worse than any crime committed to the soul. Withholding intimacy from a soul mate is the ultimate form of control. It is reversing what happen when one was abused - instead of being controlled one is controlling. But life does not need to stay in that box. Lack of intimacy with a soul mates has nothing to with sex but really trust (and I realize some soul mates are far from trustworthy).

Take another layer off...and it is fear in one way or form...fear of relived memories...fear of rejection...fear of pain...

In my journey there was only one road out of that trap and learning to trust Ken. Become vulnerable & be vulnerable with all fears...even if that meant in baby steps and my darling holding me on the sofa at times. And as always, there was never room for shame in learning to take baby steps.

Until I understood emotional freedom and trust with Ken, I took a sabbatical from life. At times I had to work - and still work at anger issues. At times, I had to work at body issues, in spite of Ken never putting lies in my head but working through my lies. At times, it was out right shame and tears from my past that had to come out - and still do at times. And at times, it was trust issues from other relationships that destroyed trust. I had to branch out and determine if I was going to stay skeptical with Ken or learn to trust with holding nothing back - knowing there would be times of disappointment and new hurt.

I had to learn to let Ken walk with me, to learn to trust him.

Today, sharing trust with ken is this; Standing tall (with all fears and scars), purposefully living with him all the while vulnerably loving him like I have never been hurt. And the days I don't feel like that - I go after any wall that dare comes between that ideal and my present reality. I expose my walls to ken everyday.

Stand tall - for yourself and for your soul mate - and at that point you can't help but expose trust to each other.

Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours and to every soul discovering the beauty of trust.