Yahweh's Freedom

Happy New Year from my heart to yours! I love this time of year. It is a time to reflect on my past year and yet look forward to a year God only knows about. I have so many emotions as I sit down, I'm not sure what to write next...

I am amazed the chains God has lifted off of me in the past year. One thing my past abuse likes to do to me is drag me to past emotions, even if I have worked through them. Emotions of bitterness, resentment and isolation. And yet now when those ugly emotions come back at me, they no longer have a place to rest, like they use to. Instead of having a home inside of my soul, they are strangers to me.

This past month my daughter has repeatedly told me, "Mom, you are so peaceful. I feel restful and happy..." Sophie no doubt got the brunt of my emotions over the past years, as I started to work through for the first time in January 2006. I was emotionally drained, negative, tired - in spite of appearing 'everything was OK'. When Sophie told me how peaceful she sees me today, my heart was struck of how much my emotions do effect my children and husband. Ouch.

As much as it pains me, I know my daughter is being raised to understand the power of releasing pain and suppressed silenced emotions - because she has seen the darkness of them but more importantly has seen the power in letting them go, through tears and all. She has seen oppression but she has seen greater victory. She understands the cost it takes to understand freedom in life. I am thankful Sophie recognizes different emotions and how there is no such thing as "they will just go away if I don't think about it or them..." Because if the emotions are not directly faced with, they end up controlling you and making you into a person you can't stand.

I know.

I was becoming an anxious, controlling, impatient adult - and taking it out on people around me I thought I could control - instead of backing off and addressing my core emotions that were driving me to be controlling with this or that. Looking back when I was blind to my abuse but aware of my need to control - that is when I started to obsessively shop and decorate. It was a way to control something and give me a false sense I was in control. It was not until last year, that the chain of comfort (look at old post on hidden distractions) was sliced in my life. I still battle the 'need' for comfort but feel beyond free to recognize the 'need' for it does nothing for me at the end of the day - but actually just leaves me more empty than before.

I love the line in the song YAHWEH by u2: "...Always pain before the child is born" That line could not be any truer in my journey.

I'm 31 and my soul was born for the first time this past year...I have had significant points in my journey of freedom... 10 years old, 19 years old, 28 years old....but never to the degree my soul has experienced this past 4 months. Sometimes I feel so free I get scared because I feel to vulnerable. And the vulnerable space I have in my heart now is fulfilling to let the love of my God fill me and the love for others that will never have an opportunity to break their silence. I know my voice was broken for one purpose - to share the power of "Yahweh's Freedom" with others...whether that is only with my precious husband and 2 darling children or a stranger I may only talk to one time.

I am 'ready' for 2009 - Not because I am on this mission to control 'it' ( but not absence of having a plan on what I would like to do it) but because I know I will have times of victory, of failure, of joy, of sadness...and my life is in the hands of my Creator that will not be surprised by anything that happens in my life.