Long Overdue

I know…Its been a long long time…to long...Where do I start? Where do I begin? I could start with a million thoughts, and yet this one stands out:

healing takes time and God is faithful to see us through dark times to shine light upon us.

These past months I have really focused on allowing my body to heal from past trauma. Emotionally I had worked through what I needed to work through, yet sensed my body still needed to release past emotions that almost felt locked inside my body.

I had no proof for those thoughts besides putting 6 years together of reading, therapy and educating myself on how a body processes and releases trauma - physically and emotionally.

What I didn't know 6 years ago in therapy is there are layers of pain and layers of pain take years to release. Our bodies are capable of only shedding so much at a time.  I put that together after years of wondering why I didn't feel "lighter", in spite seeing significant growth in my soul with my past trauma.

I was ok with acknowledging trauma was a part of my story. I was more ok with  seeing and sensing Gods redemptive hand of healing in my life, but I still felt I was carrying around a load of stones when I didn't need to. Even when the world was "perfect", this bag of "stones" would still be with me; small stones but real stones that felt like deep bitterness, anger, shame, disgust...

It wasn't until I saw the acupuncturist that informed me how the body processes and releases pain. Long story short,  I instantly knew why this bag hadn't left me; my body didn't know how to release pain because when deep trauma and betrayal happens to a body/soul, the body almost shuts down in releasing and thus chucks of pain become locked in.  It wasn't until years later with a chronic lower back pain did I realize what was really going on with me: stored emotional pain needing help to physically be released and more importantly stay released.

I remember at one point I told my Dr, "I feel my pain is traveling through my body and one day it will leave me." 20 years ago I would get migraines and I went on to tell her how over the years the pain has literally traveled through my body, but manifesting it self in different ways. When the Dr told me the pains I was describing was in the same meridian, I felt for the first time my pain & my soul were onto something....

I share this because no one ever told me when I was 29 (7 years ago)  my journey of healing would be a road of not only emotionally releasing pain but physically as well. No one ever told me the art of  understanding freedom in my walk is like putting on a new pair of shoes as I  courageously addressed fear, pain, betrayal and trauma in its face. And in that walk it is often lonely and vulnerable.

I share this because no one ever told me how freeing life would be after I faced my demons. Oh, how the demons would try to discourage me and fight to keep me in the box of pain - emotionally or physically. Yes, I do believe at the end of the day, anytime trauma/abuse is endured, it crushes our souls and the fight to come through it is one big ugly fight because demons hate to see a soul taste freedom.

Once light hits a soul, darkness no longer has space to rest.

I share this because no one ever told me abuse is one chapter of a life, not an entire chapter. I would meet to many people along the way and would share their abuse story, implying that was the only chapter in their life. Yes, abuse happened to me for years as a young girl and emotionally as an older girl. However; this is just 1 chapter of 36 chapters my life is about and I want this to be a place of encouragement.

"What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger"

Yes - those words could not be more true.

In an odd way, there are times I am thankful for the years of hardship I went through and continue to battle at times (as at times flashbacks still come to me)...for now I want to focus on yes, healing takes times..and more importantly, our bodies and minds need to have space and time to heal. Layers come off when healing takes places. Deep layers. Deep layers need lots of space; sometimes physical space and sometimes emotional space. Layers come off when when a soul feels safe…and thats when light comes into a soul and Gods words of healing begin to heal each wound.

From lighting candles, to stepping back from things socially, to making a point to surround myself with support, to letting Gods words speak to me, to making myself do different therapies each week (conventional and unconventional),  I have been passionate about allowing not only my soul to heal, but my body as well.

exhausting.

tearful.

and worth every step.

be encouraged.

be blessed.

blossom.

God has plans for our souls to shine.

xox

Taking Time

Healing takes time.

I know this in my head but my heart is now understanding this great truth.

No one ever told me not only emotions take time, but my body takes time as well in healing.

This is why I am being gracious to myself, in what feels like a  "lazy" sabbatical for me, but I am determined to understand what rest feels like in my body, soul and mind.

I am putting "Lily Jane Design" to rest for a while. I am putting being a voice for the voiceless to a rest as well, so in my inner voices first rest some more.

I am so thirsty for rest.

Oh...I see how my days are full of beauty why I stop reaching, trying, grasping, listening to others, letting others (even in their righteous issues)  drag me down...but rather  embrace my "now".

I have no time table.

I am resting.

I am healing.

I am being.

I am being with my Redeemer.

I am seeing  beauty as I am, not in what or where I will be.

I carry no wounds.

God does not need "more" from me for him to accomplish His great purpose on Earth.

God made me complete.

God released me.

It is now time for me to say I am healed...

7 years of processing...

7 years of letting others help me see truth and find my voice...

7 years of reading the Bible in a whole new light...

7 years of going in and out of the ditch with my husband...

7 years of watching my husband be more of a protector and hero than ever imagined...

7 years of learning to understand my soul...

7 years of stopping to blame others for my turmoils...

7 years of understanding my role of going through pain...

7 years of giving pain to much respect in my heart....

7 years of creating new room for peace and serenity in my heart...

7 years of reaching to be here in this moment right now...

I am rejoicing.

I am free.

BE ENCOURAGED.

I don't know your story. God does. God  is all you need to understand your story, because He will bless  you with tools of truth and instrumental people you need to come to a place of rest and peace in your path.

BE BOLD.

My story of healing is to miraculous to not give God the credit ,and show His grace and mercy is more real that anything I can see, touch or taste in my walk. I know my story will continue to unfold but for right now, I am taking a moment and rejoicing. Rejoicing for my own walk, marriage and family. God is patient.  In my steps ahead I  will extend a greater patience and grace onto my friends and strangers, because of the 7 years I have experienced.

BE FREE.

Freedom is not easy, comfortable or friendly.

....perhaps the biggest lesson I learned and remind myself everyday: 

I  will  keep driving and not look back...that is the only way road to freedom in my soul.

From my heart to yours.

Blossom & be blessed.

xox

Embracing Rest

2013: This is the year I will rest.

I tell Ken this...thinking by not only writing this down in my journal, planner, but now telling Ken, "resting" will be as natural as going to the spa for me! 

My heart is working on this, as this past winter I am seeing a therapist again. Nothing in particular brought therapy back into my world, besides sensing I need to unload more layers for my soul. 

This is confirmed when I see a specialist, and knowing nothing about my story, the Dr says ,"I will not work on you until you see a therapist." Wow. Yes - the body and soul are one. 

Needless to say, the therapist knows my soul wants to rest. I still fight wanting to not stay busy all of the time. When I am busy I don't have time to grieve, I don't have time to feel betrayal. 

Amazing how betrayal feels so real 25 years later. 

I am still understanding what trust looks and feels like in relationships. Ken is my perfect picture of trust and I love him being my picture of trust.

I want to let go all of my hurt, and somehow that still feels to vulernable. I know God is my advocate and I rejoice He is that for me, yet somehow these layers still feel to deep for him to carry for me.  I almost laugh bc somehow I think Gods grace and mercy can heal and redeem any story, but when it comes to mine, I am still learning His grace is sufficient for ME. 

Right now lighting a candle and sitting is the best medicine for me...Basking in the presence of the Holy Spirit...teaching myself resting is safe, healing, and good. I am literally teaching my body, I can rest without being hurt by someone.  I can rest. I can trust! 

Resting.

Peaceful.

Smiling. 

Be blessed today! xox 

Im Thankful

Today I started a new journal:  My journal of Thanks.

This time of year it is easy for me to become anxious. Holidays. On tope of the regular hustle and bustle holidays were often a time in my past life when my abuse would take place. I am amazed although the abuse happend as a young girl, I still undo thoughts from keeping me in a prison.

However; I'm determined  to enjoy this crazy time of year, stay peaceful (without zapping myself) and embrace it with joy. For the past 5 years, I see each holiday season more and more enjoyable and a gift to truly embrace - healing does take place!!!

A miracle.

This is why I am more confident than ever my soul will continue to taste freedom...

My real issue with holidays is control and liking things neat...and in there place...and with holiday's come family...comes people...comes "messes". I know for many this does not hit home but for me I work on daily to "let go" and go "with it"....because for so long to feel okay I had to be the one in control.

I'm learning I'm still in control even when I'm not directly - a powerful truth breaking through my past bondage.

After I read a post on A Holy Experience, I knew I must start my journal (www.aholyexperience.com)

I'm challenging myself to write down 3 blessings each day...for a year...and some day when my daughter is grown and off to college - I will give it to her...and hopefully it can be a simple way to remind her we go through life with 2 choices:

Giving thanks

or

Complaining setbacks 

I want my daughter to look at my journey of giving thanks and nothing short of that, because my days are numbered and I want to make each one count for the glory of God!

And with that...I'm off to fill in my first entry.

Blossom & be blessed!

xoxo

Feed Faith

I love this...

"Feed Your Faith...Faith is only as good as its object. The soul in the jungle bows before an idol of stone and trust it to help him. If faith is not directed at the right object, it will accomplish nothing. The big question is:, "In whom do I believe?"

Funny - I would say God but when I see that quote, I see how many "stones" I put my faith in day in and day out. I put faith into to many dead weights. Time for me to toss them in the garbage... and let go...and keep them let go!!

Feed my faith - not sufficate it; not compromise it, not silence it.

Jesus.

Freeing.

Peaceful.

Thankful.

Blossom.

Be blessed.

xoxo

My Marriage

Marriage - so many different reactions to that word.  Marriage: Ken Newman. The man I have been married to for 16 tears. The man who has seen me in the ditch; The man who stayed with me in the ditch.  The man who adored me and fought for me, not knowing how long I would stay in the ditch. The ditch was the years I was in and out of therapy for my past abuse. The ditch was the year I mothered out of motion, stay married  because of commitment.

And nothing short of God's grace...

Somehow during those years 10-12 years of marriage, Ken and I learned a powerful lesson to keep our marriage alive.

MARRIAGE IS OUR LIFELONG AFFAIR

During our 16 years of marriage, we have seen some wonderful and not so wonderful marriages. Some thriving...others barely holding on...some coexisting. Personally, it is the marriages coexisting that break my heart the most.

No one ever gets married to coexist.

And yet, I see how coexisting, affairs, marriages barely holding on happen...
All of them start off with pain. This pain may be settle but it is walls of pain that start to go up and the soul starts searching for escapes...

Devastating but understandable.

I know...

I know  how vulnerable a soul becomes when pain is wanting to be masked, escaped or pursued.

A soul compromises integrity for a fast fix of healing. That is the nature of our souls, with out the Holy Spirit saving our souls.

I had years of selling my soul to dead end idols and I knew we would be vulnerable if we didn't start to fight for our marriage. And with that, Ken and I changed our "marriage is safe" mind frame  to "always fight for our marriage"

We are the only 2 people that will chase our marriage.

For me, keeping Ken my life long affair looks like this...

1. Treat him like my best friend. 

Best friends don't keep score each other. Best friends take time for each other. Best friends have fun with each other. Best friends are just there for each other - no matter what. Period. 

2. The most important hat I wear is "Ken's Wife"

How sad to think the rest of the world gets a piece of me during the day, and come the evening, Ken would only see me "dead"....don't get me wrong...My husband is amazing at having me take time for myself, sending me to the spa, pitching in whenever he can with the kids...but I intentionally don't wear 10 hats at one time, because being a wife to Ken is my most importnat hat. 

I have many hats that can be replaced by someone, but I have a few hats that are non-replaceable and "Kens Wife" is one that is irreplaceable. 

3. Embrace the Word of God together 

All I can say is without this in our marriage, neither one of us would have the courage, humility and ability to change,  as we embrace new journeys of life together. 

In our marriage, we have dealt with every pillar that can build or crash a marriage. At times, I have had the spirit to change, and other times Ken has...and if we didn't have God and the Bible to be our compass, we would be lost today. 

And perhaps what I love about God's Word, is it has a way of keeping both of us real and accountable to each other. I love how the Word shows both of us our dead end idols...false sense of security with money, affirmation from family...and draws our hearts of love closer together.

God is the author of love. God is the author of  growing our spirits. And in order for us to blossom, often times that means throwing out trash that hinders us from growing together - no matter how painful or uncomfortable it feels. 

I could make the list much longer, but off hand those 3 thoughts jump out at me. I realize all of us have different stories, but with that I also realize this: God can take any story, can take any marriage and always turn it into a story of redemption and richness never known before in ones life.

Be blessed!

xox

God Leading

I am learning when God leads, and I stop co-piloting, my journey is clear. I easily get anxious, like to plan, and don't invite surprises easily...and yet God is showing me lately He already has a path for me so I can rest a long the way.

In May I thought we would be hosting a young girl from Ukraine. A few weeks from meeting her the door was clearly shut.

In June I thought I knew my plans for my children's schooling. A few weeks from school starting, the road was flipped and I saw God clearly had different plans for my children.

In July I thought I knew my plans for mentoring. A few weeks from starting that, my heart was changed completely on how I would mentor.

None of these paths may seem that significant to you. However; all of those paths I was praying about for months, and months, and months...and then what felt like in the 11th hour, God touched my heart deeply and had me evaluate who I was listening to. Was I taking my plans to God or was I making plans for my comfort?

Comfort. Co-piloting. Controlling. Three words that come to mind when I take my journey in my hands. And I love as I turn 35 soon, my life for him has more to do with listening and obeying the promptings of my heart than making a plan - that was already ordained before I was created. 

Vulnerable. Freeing. Courageous. Three words

that come to my mind when God leads and I follow.

 The joy of following God is simply a miracle and I want nothing more for my children than to learn the art of following - which is perhaps the sweetest gift of all when I remember the path of following God is always clear - no matter how vulnerable the path may be for me.

I love the saying, The bigger God is , the smaller I become. And I see more than ever there could never be truer words. God is big. And God's ways are truly above my ways. His love for me, for you, for all, is something I will never be able to fully grasp...only catch glimpses of it as I learn the art of following and watching Him continually lead me under his amazing grace and love. May his love for me, for you, for all touch us deeply, so we can touch others and teach them the joy of following as well! xox