Taking Time

Healing takes time.

I know this in my head but my heart is now understanding this great truth.

No one ever told me not only emotions take time, but my body takes time as well in healing.

This is why I am being gracious to myself, in what feels like a  "lazy" sabbatical for me, but I am determined to understand what rest feels like in my body, soul and mind.

I am putting "Lily Jane Design" to rest for a while. I am putting being a voice for the voiceless to a rest as well, so in my inner voices first rest some more.

I am so thirsty for rest.

Oh...I see how my days are full of beauty why I stop reaching, trying, grasping, listening to others, letting others (even in their righteous issues)  drag me down...but rather  embrace my "now".

I have no time table.

I am resting.

I am healing.

I am being.

I am being with my Redeemer.

I am seeing  beauty as I am, not in what or where I will be.

I carry no wounds.

God does not need "more" from me for him to accomplish His great purpose on Earth.

God made me complete.

God released me.

It is now time for me to say I am healed...

7 years of processing...

7 years of letting others help me see truth and find my voice...

7 years of reading the Bible in a whole new light...

7 years of going in and out of the ditch with my husband...

7 years of watching my husband be more of a protector and hero than ever imagined...

7 years of learning to understand my soul...

7 years of stopping to blame others for my turmoils...

7 years of understanding my role of going through pain...

7 years of giving pain to much respect in my heart....

7 years of creating new room for peace and serenity in my heart...

7 years of reaching to be here in this moment right now...

I am rejoicing.

I am free.

BE ENCOURAGED.

I don't know your story. God does. God  is all you need to understand your story, because He will bless  you with tools of truth and instrumental people you need to come to a place of rest and peace in your path.

BE BOLD.

My story of healing is to miraculous to not give God the credit ,and show His grace and mercy is more real that anything I can see, touch or taste in my walk. I know my story will continue to unfold but for right now, I am taking a moment and rejoicing. Rejoicing for my own walk, marriage and family. God is patient.  In my steps ahead I  will extend a greater patience and grace onto my friends and strangers, because of the 7 years I have experienced.

BE FREE.

Freedom is not easy, comfortable or friendly.

....perhaps the biggest lesson I learned and remind myself everyday: 

I  will  keep driving and not look back...that is the only way road to freedom in my soul.

From my heart to yours.

Blossom & be blessed.

xox

Embracing Rest

2013: This is the year I will rest.

I tell Ken this...thinking by not only writing this down in my journal, planner, but now telling Ken, "resting" will be as natural as going to the spa for me! 

My heart is working on this, as this past winter I am seeing a therapist again. Nothing in particular brought therapy back into my world, besides sensing I need to unload more layers for my soul. 

This is confirmed when I see a specialist, and knowing nothing about my story, the Dr says ,"I will not work on you until you see a therapist." Wow. Yes - the body and soul are one. 

Needless to say, the therapist knows my soul wants to rest. I still fight wanting to not stay busy all of the time. When I am busy I don't have time to grieve, I don't have time to feel betrayal. 

Amazing how betrayal feels so real 25 years later. 

I am still understanding what trust looks and feels like in relationships. Ken is my perfect picture of trust and I love him being my picture of trust.

I want to let go all of my hurt, and somehow that still feels to vulernable. I know God is my advocate and I rejoice He is that for me, yet somehow these layers still feel to deep for him to carry for me.  I almost laugh bc somehow I think Gods grace and mercy can heal and redeem any story, but when it comes to mine, I am still learning His grace is sufficient for ME. 

Right now lighting a candle and sitting is the best medicine for me...Basking in the presence of the Holy Spirit...teaching myself resting is safe, healing, and good. I am literally teaching my body, I can rest without being hurt by someone.  I can rest. I can trust! 

Resting.

Peaceful.

Smiling. 

Be blessed today! xox 

Im Thankful

Today I started a new journal:  My journal of Thanks.

This time of year it is easy for me to become anxious. Holidays. On tope of the regular hustle and bustle holidays were often a time in my past life when my abuse would take place. I am amazed although the abuse happend as a young girl, I still undo thoughts from keeping me in a prison.

However; I'm determined  to enjoy this crazy time of year, stay peaceful (without zapping myself) and embrace it with joy. For the past 5 years, I see each holiday season more and more enjoyable and a gift to truly embrace - healing does take place!!!

A miracle.

This is why I am more confident than ever my soul will continue to taste freedom...

My real issue with holidays is control and liking things neat...and in there place...and with holiday's come family...comes people...comes "messes". I know for many this does not hit home but for me I work on daily to "let go" and go "with it"....because for so long to feel okay I had to be the one in control.

I'm learning I'm still in control even when I'm not directly - a powerful truth breaking through my past bondage.

After I read a post on A Holy Experience, I knew I must start my journal (www.aholyexperience.com)

I'm challenging myself to write down 3 blessings each day...for a year...and some day when my daughter is grown and off to college - I will give it to her...and hopefully it can be a simple way to remind her we go through life with 2 choices:

Giving thanks

or

Complaining setbacks 

I want my daughter to look at my journey of giving thanks and nothing short of that, because my days are numbered and I want to make each one count for the glory of God!

And with that...I'm off to fill in my first entry.

Blossom & be blessed!

xoxo

Feed Faith

I love this...

"Feed Your Faith...Faith is only as good as its object. The soul in the jungle bows before an idol of stone and trust it to help him. If faith is not directed at the right object, it will accomplish nothing. The big question is:, "In whom do I believe?"

Funny - I would say God but when I see that quote, I see how many "stones" I put my faith in day in and day out. I put faith into to many dead weights. Time for me to toss them in the garbage... and let go...and keep them let go!!

Feed my faith - not sufficate it; not compromise it, not silence it.

Jesus.

Freeing.

Peaceful.

Thankful.

Blossom.

Be blessed.

xoxo

My Marriage

Marriage - so many different reactions to that word.  Marriage: Ken Newman. The man I have been married to for 16 tears. The man who has seen me in the ditch; The man who stayed with me in the ditch.  The man who adored me and fought for me, not knowing how long I would stay in the ditch. The ditch was the years I was in and out of therapy for my past abuse. The ditch was the year I mothered out of motion, stay married  because of commitment.

And nothing short of God's grace...

Somehow during those years 10-12 years of marriage, Ken and I learned a powerful lesson to keep our marriage alive.

MARRIAGE IS OUR LIFELONG AFFAIR

During our 16 years of marriage, we have seen some wonderful and not so wonderful marriages. Some thriving...others barely holding on...some coexisting. Personally, it is the marriages coexisting that break my heart the most.

No one ever gets married to coexist.

And yet, I see how coexisting, affairs, marriages barely holding on happen...
All of them start off with pain. This pain may be settle but it is walls of pain that start to go up and the soul starts searching for escapes...

Devastating but understandable.

I know...

I know  how vulnerable a soul becomes when pain is wanting to be masked, escaped or pursued.

A soul compromises integrity for a fast fix of healing. That is the nature of our souls, with out the Holy Spirit saving our souls.

I had years of selling my soul to dead end idols and I knew we would be vulnerable if we didn't start to fight for our marriage. And with that, Ken and I changed our "marriage is safe" mind frame  to "always fight for our marriage"

We are the only 2 people that will chase our marriage.

For me, keeping Ken my life long affair looks like this...

1. Treat him like my best friend. 

Best friends don't keep score each other. Best friends take time for each other. Best friends have fun with each other. Best friends are just there for each other - no matter what. Period. 

2. The most important hat I wear is "Ken's Wife"

How sad to think the rest of the world gets a piece of me during the day, and come the evening, Ken would only see me "dead"....don't get me wrong...My husband is amazing at having me take time for myself, sending me to the spa, pitching in whenever he can with the kids...but I intentionally don't wear 10 hats at one time, because being a wife to Ken is my most importnat hat. 

I have many hats that can be replaced by someone, but I have a few hats that are non-replaceable and "Kens Wife" is one that is irreplaceable. 

3. Embrace the Word of God together 

All I can say is without this in our marriage, neither one of us would have the courage, humility and ability to change,  as we embrace new journeys of life together. 

In our marriage, we have dealt with every pillar that can build or crash a marriage. At times, I have had the spirit to change, and other times Ken has...and if we didn't have God and the Bible to be our compass, we would be lost today. 

And perhaps what I love about God's Word, is it has a way of keeping both of us real and accountable to each other. I love how the Word shows both of us our dead end idols...false sense of security with money, affirmation from family...and draws our hearts of love closer together.

God is the author of love. God is the author of  growing our spirits. And in order for us to blossom, often times that means throwing out trash that hinders us from growing together - no matter how painful or uncomfortable it feels. 

I could make the list much longer, but off hand those 3 thoughts jump out at me. I realize all of us have different stories, but with that I also realize this: God can take any story, can take any marriage and always turn it into a story of redemption and richness never known before in ones life.

Be blessed!

xox

God Leading

I am learning when God leads, and I stop co-piloting, my journey is clear. I easily get anxious, like to plan, and don't invite surprises easily...and yet God is showing me lately He already has a path for me so I can rest a long the way.

In May I thought we would be hosting a young girl from Ukraine. A few weeks from meeting her the door was clearly shut.

In June I thought I knew my plans for my children's schooling. A few weeks from school starting, the road was flipped and I saw God clearly had different plans for my children.

In July I thought I knew my plans for mentoring. A few weeks from starting that, my heart was changed completely on how I would mentor.

None of these paths may seem that significant to you. However; all of those paths I was praying about for months, and months, and months...and then what felt like in the 11th hour, God touched my heart deeply and had me evaluate who I was listening to. Was I taking my plans to God or was I making plans for my comfort?

Comfort. Co-piloting. Controlling. Three words that come to mind when I take my journey in my hands. And I love as I turn 35 soon, my life for him has more to do with listening and obeying the promptings of my heart than making a plan - that was already ordained before I was created. 

Vulnerable. Freeing. Courageous. Three words

that come to my mind when God leads and I follow.

 The joy of following God is simply a miracle and I want nothing more for my children than to learn the art of following - which is perhaps the sweetest gift of all when I remember the path of following God is always clear - no matter how vulnerable the path may be for me.

I love the saying, The bigger God is , the smaller I become. And I see more than ever there could never be truer words. God is big. And God's ways are truly above my ways. His love for me, for you, for all, is something I will never be able to fully grasp...only catch glimpses of it as I learn the art of following and watching Him continually lead me under his amazing grace and love. May his love for me, for you, for all touch us deeply, so we can touch others and teach them the joy of following as well! xox

Blessings others

I love reading the story of Joseph in Gensises...He is facing his brothers, who abused him, betrayed him, left him to die...and his brothers are waiting to see what Joseph will do to them, as he is now in a position of power. In todays culture, Joseph would have every right to be a victim of abuse, punish his abusers, stay in a safe box....



But no - Joseph goes beyond his box...

In stead, Joseph looks directly at his abusers and states: "What you meant for evil, God will use for good." Gen 50:20

I love that.

Joseph was using the gift of grace and blessing it unto people who deserved it the least.

This doesn't take away from what Joseph went through or the scares he endured..but by extending grace, this released of power of pain to create bitterness and resentment in life.

Yes - pain happened, but pain didn't need to be in the director in Joseph's life.

As I continue on my journey, I see my heart is no different...from going from pain to freedom...


I have sat in pain.

I have held unto anger.

I have befriended bitterness at times.

I have questioned where is God in pain.

I have escaped into self


And beyond that -


I have faced my abuser.

I have looked at fear in the eyes.

I have seen the power of God through my pain

I have lived from fear to fearless faith

I have released pain.

I have learned to trust...God...others

And I have extended grace.


Blessing others is perhaps the greatest gift I have encountered. To say it is freedom, is an understatement.

By extending grace unto others, lets me see first hand really the abundance of grace I receieve from my Redeemer, my Creator, my Healer - my God - every day. Is there any other way to live each day, breathe through each hour I am given?

Pain may be part of my path, but more than that Gods umbrella of grace, strength and joy rains over pain.

Be Blessed & Bless others!

xox