As much as I live outside of a box, I find myself still living in a box. I still try to control my emotions, more than I like to admit. I know its my way of trying to protect myself. Somehow in the back of my mind, I have this lie that says, to much fun will get me hurt...will get me pain...I know its my past abuse still releasing from me.
Baby steps. Deep breath.
This is an amazing breakthrough for me. I often find myself relaxing or having fun with the kids and then all of a sudden I am 'done'...I know its my heart sensing subconsciously I am still going to be silenced and hurt out of the blue...
I keep thinking that my journey has complete release from my abuse and then I will have this breakthrough of "OH MY WORD".
As I realize the lie - relaxing equates pain - tears come flowing out of me once again; I see myself once again releasing buckets of shame, pain and at the same time, freedom - in the arms of ken.
Baby steps. Deep breath.
Slowing breaking from my safe box. And smiling.
Sweetest blessings from my heart to yours.
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