The "34"

The past couple of months marriage has been on my heart. I knew with a move across America - East Coast to the West Coast - with our family of four (with 2 teenagers who were awesome!!) our marriage would be tried as we would use our energy to settle in our new community. I would often think:  "keep fighting for your marriage because no one else will fight for your marriage."

I saw as I passionately sought the right high school for our girl, the right junior high for our boy, a church to call "home",  a place to workout...slowing building our new village...my marriage was often kicked to the back burner....And then I stopped our schedule until we promised to go on weekly dates. Ken and I needed new life for our marriage to continue to stay strong, and thrive with love and commitment. 

Amazing what weekly dates did to our marriage - even if it was to the local Thai restaurant in our neighborhood, and the date was a mere 45 minuets. 

I found as Ken and I entered a new stage of parenting (with a high schooler), it was not the quantity that fueled our souls but short stops of quality...the law of "34"...as I heard from a scholar this week....

Each day spend with your spouse:

30 mins talking 

3 mins praying together (still working on that one)

a kiss 30 seconds long 

and with that is 34 MINS  into a marriage that will not go unblessed in day to day life. 

Love & be loved!
xox

Questions Answered

This post is for souls who have questions and deserve answers.

This post is for souls who understand there is beauty in being vulnerable. Brave is beautiful. 

This post is another simple reminder, pain today does not mean pain needs to be a part of your tomorrow.


My therapy started in January 2009, going to a psychologist (with my husband at the majority of my meetings). That lasted pretty consistently for about 2 years. When I "finished" with my therapist, little did I know I really just begun "my therapy". My body could only handle so much release at one time...At first, I  had to unload my story, unload my questions, my thoughts. I needed someone to listen. I wasn't angry at that point (to be angry stated it really happened & I  still wanted to be in denial of my past).

Helen was my first angel of therapy. Helen became an angel to keep our marriage strong, as Ken watched me for the first time unload buckets and buckets of pain. The type of pain that tears any marriage apart (it takes a strong man to not only let his woman dig up pain, but to give her room to change).  I knew there would be pain. I also knew Ken and I never wanted divorce papers. I not only had to fight for freedom, I had to fight for our marriage. Ken for the first time didn't take me for granted, saw in my confident state I was still a girl who needed "protection", and realized if he didn't fight for me, someone else would naturally.

Looking back, that was the first "gift" from my abuse: Abuse led to therapy which turned into marriage therapy for us. Marriage therapy at 10 years. A gift indeed!

Fast forward a few years...

My body had unloaded emotions, and physically it had taken a toll on body. I underestimated the depth of pain I needed to release. I also underestimated along the way how people would absorb my new reality. For many, it was still nothing but unconditional support. For others, for their own reasons, support was not easily given.   It was a lonely road but a road that taught me I can't wait for others to accept change if I need change. A lonely road at times and a road that taught a new level of strength within myself, my marriage and God's affirmation. Period.

My body had indeed taken a toll and it was coming out... after several massages I knew my back pain was not  a "typical back ache"...Hence what started a good 4 year journey of doing different therapies to help my body release suppressed emotions, anger, grief and and more anger and grief.

I did everything from:

Acupuncture
Hormone Dr
Osteopathic adjustments
Cranial sacral therapy
Naturopathy

...buying new journals to throwing journals away,  to crying out to God in my closet, to soaking God's Word in old chapels in NYC. Time invested? Yes.  Resources invested? Yes. And would I spend all of that energy and money again? Yes.

I will never forget the time I had a treatment by my Osteopathic Dr, and midway through he stopped treating me. Out of the blue he asked if my body had been through trauma. I replied yes and shared with him I had seen a therapist.   He wouldn't treat me until I saw my therapist again. My body was still hanging onto emotions and my body wasn't ready to release them physically. I emotionally had to unload more...

That was in 2012.  - Almost 4 years after I first talked to my therapist.

Ouch.

Tears streamed down my face as I got into the car to drive back home.

I had to get back into the fighter mode and be willing to dive in my soul again to release my settle chronic  quiet anger that I couldn't shake...Oh, how I wrestled with God. By that point in my journey, I thought I was "free" - particularly since I had confronted my abuser, Ken had been more than my life savor on multiple accounts, I had released volumes of emotions...How much left was in me?
I knew I had no choice - I had to jump back into therapy, "back out of life" (again) and pour my energy into releasing emotions - no matter what my soul called me to do...It was time for me to trust God 100% not 99.9%.

At the end of the day, that is what my journey boiled down to...jumping out of my captains seat, and trusting God. Trusting God  the right people would come into my path at the right time for my soul to heal...and time after time after time, God showed up...God showed me He was faithful to not only release my heart, but to heal my heart.

Be brave.

Take one step at a time.

Make a phone call.

Make an appointment... Show up.

And watch how layers come off - one layer at a time.

Blossom & be blessed!

xox

God's Faithfulness

There is something about putting thoughts on paper...something when I see thoughts on paper, they show me how
real they are...and that is where I am today. I am in awe as I write today.

The last time I wrote, our family was living in a gated lake community on the East Coast and a family of four. Today, we are in the process to adopt a little girl from China and living in Orange County.  And to see God continue to carry me through these changes - and never be so peaceful in my life  - (never mind I am building new relationships through friendships & design, adopting,  and more school changes with a new high school)- shows me once again, what happens when I step out of the way and let God take my reigns.

God is faithful.

Oh, how I doubt that at times. Particularly when I am in emotional pain. However; after watching my soul experience rest  it is easier and easier to not only step out of the captains seat but stay out of the captains seat. God has seen me in the ditch - time and time and time again - and I know will see me in the ditch again - however my ditch never takes away how real His mercies are in my life. His faithfulness never weavers.

Shortly after we moved out here, I met a Christian acupuncturist who treated my five meridians....long story short, I literally could feel my emotions be freed and God's truths sink deeper into my soul. My spirit tasted deep rest. I have always known God's truths, but to let them sink deeply to the point it changes my outlook everyday has not always hold true in my life.

Hard work? Extremely. Draining during the treatments? Extremely. Worth it? Absolutely

I get so stubborn thinking "I can fix things."  I make my journey harder than it is, and forget life is not meant to be a burden. There is nothing beautiful about a testimony that always has "burdens".
Our culture thrives on souls carrying burdens. We rally around those with burdens. We get help easily. We get attention. We get justified. And yet... as I continue on my journey, I never see Jesus instruct us to carry our story to the point it defines us, or stay justified in our pain, or excuses us from being healed.

Since our move to California, I watch God everyday put people in my path that continue to be a part of my journey of freedom. From new friendships who are free in Christ to even the "random" Notary at the UPS store for our adoption - God is in every single detail. I am also convinced I see God in every detail because I stopped telling God what I need, and when to show up and how to help me.

 I let go.

Deep breath. 

I trust God's ways more than my ways.

Deep breath.

I give Ken space in my heart to stay, not come and go.

Deep breath.

God created my soul. God knows what I need, when I need it,  and how my soul thrives.

Deep breath.

God is faithful.

I don't know where you are at in your journey, but if freedom is not a part of your everyday spirit, stand tall and seek help. Whether that is through a confided friend, or a therapist - seek help. I am 36  and since 29 seeking help has been and continues to be a part of my journey. I love showing my children seeking help is not for the weak but for the courageous. Our hearts are meant to be healed. Pain is hard to understand but all I know is my pain - physically, emotionally and spiritually - all keep showing me how faithful my God is and if I had to do over - I would go through it all again because without pain, I would never understand God's redemptive hand of healing and freedom.

God is my faithful redeemer.

Blossom & be blessed!

xox

Long Overdue

I know…Its been a long long time…to long...Where do I start? Where do I begin? I could start with a million thoughts, and yet this one stands out:

healing takes time and God is faithful to see us through dark times to shine light upon us.

These past months I have really focused on allowing my body to heal from past trauma. Emotionally I had worked through what I needed to work through, yet sensed my body still needed to release past emotions that almost felt locked inside my body.

I had no proof for those thoughts besides putting 6 years together of reading, therapy and educating myself on how a body processes and releases trauma - physically and emotionally.

What I didn't know 6 years ago in therapy is there are layers of pain and layers of pain take years to release. Our bodies are capable of only shedding so much at a time.  I put that together after years of wondering why I didn't feel "lighter", in spite seeing significant growth in my soul with my past trauma.

I was ok with acknowledging trauma was a part of my story. I was more ok with  seeing and sensing Gods redemptive hand of healing in my life, but I still felt I was carrying around a load of stones when I didn't need to. Even when the world was "perfect", this bag of "stones" would still be with me; small stones but real stones that felt like deep bitterness, anger, shame, disgust...

It wasn't until I saw the acupuncturist that informed me how the body processes and releases pain. Long story short,  I instantly knew why this bag hadn't left me; my body didn't know how to release pain because when deep trauma and betrayal happens to a body/soul, the body almost shuts down in releasing and thus chucks of pain become locked in.  It wasn't until years later with a chronic lower back pain did I realize what was really going on with me: stored emotional pain needing help to physically be released and more importantly stay released.

I remember at one point I told my Dr, "I feel my pain is traveling through my body and one day it will leave me." 20 years ago I would get migraines and I went on to tell her how over the years the pain has literally traveled through my body, but manifesting it self in different ways. When the Dr told me the pains I was describing was in the same meridian, I felt for the first time my pain & my soul were onto something....

I share this because no one ever told me when I was 29 (7 years ago)  my journey of healing would be a road of not only emotionally releasing pain but physically as well. No one ever told me the art of  understanding freedom in my walk is like putting on a new pair of shoes as I  courageously addressed fear, pain, betrayal and trauma in its face. And in that walk it is often lonely and vulnerable.

I share this because no one ever told me how freeing life would be after I faced my demons. Oh, how the demons would try to discourage me and fight to keep me in the box of pain - emotionally or physically. Yes, I do believe at the end of the day, anytime trauma/abuse is endured, it crushes our souls and the fight to come through it is one big ugly fight because demons hate to see a soul taste freedom.

Once light hits a soul, darkness no longer has space to rest.

I share this because no one ever told me abuse is one chapter of a life, not an entire chapter. I would meet to many people along the way and would share their abuse story, implying that was the only chapter in their life. Yes, abuse happened to me for years as a young girl and emotionally as an older girl. However; this is just 1 chapter of 36 chapters my life is about and I want this to be a place of encouragement.

"What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger"

Yes - those words could not be more true.

In an odd way, there are times I am thankful for the years of hardship I went through and continue to battle at times (as at times flashbacks still come to me)...for now I want to focus on yes, healing takes times..and more importantly, our bodies and minds need to have space and time to heal. Layers come off when healing takes places. Deep layers. Deep layers need lots of space; sometimes physical space and sometimes emotional space. Layers come off when when a soul feels safe…and thats when light comes into a soul and Gods words of healing begin to heal each wound.

From lighting candles, to stepping back from things socially, to making a point to surround myself with support, to letting Gods words speak to me, to making myself do different therapies each week (conventional and unconventional),  I have been passionate about allowing not only my soul to heal, but my body as well.

exhausting.

tearful.

and worth every step.

be encouraged.

be blessed.

blossom.

God has plans for our souls to shine.

xox

Taking Time

Healing takes time.

I know this in my head but my heart is now understanding this great truth.

No one ever told me not only emotions take time, but my body takes time as well in healing.

This is why I am being gracious to myself, in what feels like a  "lazy" sabbatical for me, but I am determined to understand what rest feels like in my body, soul and mind.

I am putting "Lily Jane Design" to rest for a while. I am putting being a voice for the voiceless to a rest as well, so in my inner voices first rest some more.

I am so thirsty for rest.

Oh...I see how my days are full of beauty why I stop reaching, trying, grasping, listening to others, letting others (even in their righteous issues)  drag me down...but rather  embrace my "now".

I have no time table.

I am resting.

I am healing.

I am being.

I am being with my Redeemer.

I am seeing  beauty as I am, not in what or where I will be.

I carry no wounds.

God does not need "more" from me for him to accomplish His great purpose on Earth.

God made me complete.

God released me.

It is now time for me to say I am healed...

7 years of processing...

7 years of letting others help me see truth and find my voice...

7 years of reading the Bible in a whole new light...

7 years of going in and out of the ditch with my husband...

7 years of watching my husband be more of a protector and hero than ever imagined...

7 years of learning to understand my soul...

7 years of stopping to blame others for my turmoils...

7 years of understanding my role of going through pain...

7 years of giving pain to much respect in my heart....

7 years of creating new room for peace and serenity in my heart...

7 years of reaching to be here in this moment right now...

I am rejoicing.

I am free.

BE ENCOURAGED.

I don't know your story. God does. God  is all you need to understand your story, because He will bless  you with tools of truth and instrumental people you need to come to a place of rest and peace in your path.

BE BOLD.

My story of healing is to miraculous to not give God the credit ,and show His grace and mercy is more real that anything I can see, touch or taste in my walk. I know my story will continue to unfold but for right now, I am taking a moment and rejoicing. Rejoicing for my own walk, marriage and family. God is patient.  In my steps ahead I  will extend a greater patience and grace onto my friends and strangers, because of the 7 years I have experienced.

BE FREE.

Freedom is not easy, comfortable or friendly.

....perhaps the biggest lesson I learned and remind myself everyday: 

I  will  keep driving and not look back...that is the only way road to freedom in my soul.

From my heart to yours.

Blossom & be blessed.

xox

Embracing Rest

2013: This is the year I will rest.

I tell Ken this...thinking by not only writing this down in my journal, planner, but now telling Ken, "resting" will be as natural as going to the spa for me! 

My heart is working on this, as this past winter I am seeing a therapist again. Nothing in particular brought therapy back into my world, besides sensing I need to unload more layers for my soul. 

This is confirmed when I see a specialist, and knowing nothing about my story, the Dr says ,"I will not work on you until you see a therapist." Wow. Yes - the body and soul are one. 

Needless to say, the therapist knows my soul wants to rest. I still fight wanting to not stay busy all of the time. When I am busy I don't have time to grieve, I don't have time to feel betrayal. 

Amazing how betrayal feels so real 25 years later. 

I am still understanding what trust looks and feels like in relationships. Ken is my perfect picture of trust and I love him being my picture of trust.

I want to let go all of my hurt, and somehow that still feels to vulernable. I know God is my advocate and I rejoice He is that for me, yet somehow these layers still feel to deep for him to carry for me.  I almost laugh bc somehow I think Gods grace and mercy can heal and redeem any story, but when it comes to mine, I am still learning His grace is sufficient for ME. 

Right now lighting a candle and sitting is the best medicine for me...Basking in the presence of the Holy Spirit...teaching myself resting is safe, healing, and good. I am literally teaching my body, I can rest without being hurt by someone.  I can rest. I can trust! 

Resting.

Peaceful.

Smiling. 

Be blessed today! xox 

Im Thankful

Today I started a new journal:  My journal of Thanks.

This time of year it is easy for me to become anxious. Holidays. On tope of the regular hustle and bustle holidays were often a time in my past life when my abuse would take place. I am amazed although the abuse happend as a young girl, I still undo thoughts from keeping me in a prison.

However; I'm determined  to enjoy this crazy time of year, stay peaceful (without zapping myself) and embrace it with joy. For the past 5 years, I see each holiday season more and more enjoyable and a gift to truly embrace - healing does take place!!!

A miracle.

This is why I am more confident than ever my soul will continue to taste freedom...

My real issue with holidays is control and liking things neat...and in there place...and with holiday's come family...comes people...comes "messes". I know for many this does not hit home but for me I work on daily to "let go" and go "with it"....because for so long to feel okay I had to be the one in control.

I'm learning I'm still in control even when I'm not directly - a powerful truth breaking through my past bondage.

After I read a post on A Holy Experience, I knew I must start my journal (www.aholyexperience.com)

I'm challenging myself to write down 3 blessings each day...for a year...and some day when my daughter is grown and off to college - I will give it to her...and hopefully it can be a simple way to remind her we go through life with 2 choices:

Giving thanks

or

Complaining setbacks 

I want my daughter to look at my journey of giving thanks and nothing short of that, because my days are numbered and I want to make each one count for the glory of God!

And with that...I'm off to fill in my first entry.

Blossom & be blessed!

xoxo